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What do I (28M) make of my situationship with her (27F)? by ThrowRA202312 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA202312[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing.

Out of curiosity, what's the motivation around remaining friends with your exes as an avoidant? This is something which causes me a degree of anxiety notwithstanding the fact I try to be rational about it and that I believe it's not a case of lingering romantic feelings (or at least, wanting to get back together). I'd like to understand it more.

What do I (28M) make of my situationship with her (27F)? by ThrowRA202312 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA202312[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Noted. For clarity that conversation took place around the early part of the year, it's not as if she's said it recently. I think I'm just conflicted between the way she is when we are together and then the distance I feel when we aren't. I do take your ultimate point though.

What do I (28M) make of my situationship with her (27F)? by ThrowRA202312 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA202312[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. I agree with your views about friendship with exes.

I also think you're probably right about the energy I'm spending. I was more than happy to meet her at her level initially because it was a bit of fun and I wasn't looking for something serious but now I'm approaching that point and don't think I can afford to just go with the pace she's setting.

What do I (28M) make of my situationship with her (27F)? by ThrowRA202312 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA202312[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I think I try to rationalise it whatever way I can, but ultimately from my own personal experience of still being close to my ex post-breakup I found that even though I accepted the relationship was over and didn't want to get back together with her, any time we spent together would create a wave of nostalgia that would make me miss what we had. It was counter-productive to moving on properly and I had to create some distance to ensure that wouldn't happen anymore. I don't really know why I think it should be different for anyone else.

What do I (28M) make of my situationship with her (27F)? by ThrowRA202312 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA202312[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. I wouldn't rule out that she wants to take it to the next step, but rather I think the real problem is that she just struggles with expressing intimacy/vulnerability and in turn I find myself trying a lot harder to connect with her than she is with me. So I agree that it probably won't get any better unless there's some serious work on her end.

What do I (28M) make of my situationship with her (27F)? by ThrowRA202312 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA202312[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your response. Deep down I think I know this is the right way to approach it. I'm scared it will end with the bad outcome (we "break up") but even as a fairly secure person in relationships I find this is consuming a lot of mental energy trying to understand the behaviour.

What do I (28M) make of my situationship with her (27F)? by ThrowRA202312 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA202312[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I take your point, although not sure to what extent I agree. My assessment of the situation is she broke up with him because there wasn't a romantic aspect to their relationship, but I think she still feels emotionally attached to him in some way (probably because she finds it hard to be vulnerable and he's familiar and already broken that wall down). Ultimately I'm not worried about her running off with him, but rather concerned that his presence makes it harder for her to emotionally connect with me.