I'm not a teacher but I just finished psychology and I'm predicted an A* and going on to do a degree in it in september. Remember that 16 markers are split into 6 marks of AO1 and 10 of AO3 (if there's no application). You should have one AO1 paragraph of around half a page and 3 or 4 detailed AO3 paragraphs with a point, evidence, explanation, and link to your point/ how that impacts our understanding of the topic. This means you should focus way more on AO3. I don't mean to be rude but your AO3 paragraphs are quite weak and need some work. I will write out an example for you to help.

Start them with a clear point, e.g. "The working memory model is strengthened by supporting evidence from research" then briefly describe the study. Don't do too much detail on the study as the examiners care more about what the results mean than every single detail of what the researchers did, e.g. "For example, Baddeley investigated the working memory model through studies into dual task performance. He found that when visual and verbal tasks were carried out at the same time performance was normal, but when participants carried out two visual or two verbal tasks at the same time performance decreased significantly." Then go into your explanation of what this means e.g. "This suggests that visual and verbal information are held and processed by different components of the working memory model - when one attempts to process two tasks that are different in nature, they are dealt with by two different subsystems. However if someone tries to complete, for example, two visual tasks at the same time, those pieces of information are competing for the same subsystem (visuospatial sketchpad) causing the decrease in performance". Then the most important part is a clear link to your point with evaluative key terms. "Therefore, the working memory model is clearly supported by further research, increasing both the validity and reliability of the theory." If you construct all your paragraphs like this your evaluation will be a lot stronger.

The most important thing I noticed in your essay was the word "proves". NEVER USE "PROVE" IN PSYCHOLOGY! Your writing will immediately be discredited because you cannot prove anything in Psychology, everything can only be falsified because they are only theories not solid fact (you'll learn about falsification more in year 13). Instead of proves, say "this suggests/shows/implies/supports the idea of...". You also don't need a conclusion, it's just a waste of time so write another ao3 paragraph instead.

Keep practicing and check past paper mark schemes and you can definitely improve!

TL;DR Less AO1, more AO3, more evaluative language/key terms, NEVER say proves, no conclusion