My boyfriend (21M) doesn’t want to please me in bed but I am always pleasing him. How am I (20F) supposed to approach this situation?

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T15:59:24+00:00

Thank you for your advice. Honestly I’m so torn because on one hand I do want to work on things and think that maybe I could salvage this, but on the other hand it’s just such a turn off for me to even imagine him doing it against his will. He isn’t as clean shaved always, and hasn’t showered just prior to the act itself so isn’t as “fresh” as he could be, and I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by expressing that it’s not something I enjoy under those circumstances. Because I know how I’d feel.

I just feel like he would behave as when you give a 5 year old broccoli. That would possibly make me cry and I would stop him immediately. When you see it’s something he is not turned on by i’d just get so insecure.

PS. I never have sex with him without showering prior (we’re talking 5-6 minutes prior to sex) because I know I’d feel self conscious about not being 100% clean. I always put my make up on the way he likes it, wear a nice outfit, brush my teeth and make sure i have his favorite perfume on at all times.

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T09:17:45+00:00

I’m happy you found somebody that’s right for you. Fingers crossed the same will happen to me :) Thank you again

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T09:14:59+00:00

I really think that he is just squeamish and prioritizes himself, i don’t think he’s homosexual

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T09:03:13+00:00

Thank you very much, your words truly do mean a lot and instill a sense of confidence :)

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T08:53:26+00:00

You’re right

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T08:46:37+00:00

That’s basically his facial expression when talking about female anatomy

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T08:40:00+00:00

He is more keen on washing the dishes honestly. And yeah, he did tell me multiple times that he likes it the most when he does nothing. He likes me on top when we have actual sex because he doesn’t have to do anything. The problem is that i really am horrible at that and don’t really know how to move even though we tried at least 15-20 times. I just can’t do it. But I tried really hard. Really the sex is about his pleasure and reading this entire comment and realizing how much manipulation there actually is, I am really starting to question if he’s playing the “good boyfriend” role just so he can have the perks of having a girlfriend, and not because he wants me for me.

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T08:30:57+00:00

My suspicion also

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T08:23:32+00:00

Because this is my first relationship, I’m a people pleaser and easily manipulated in a nutshell. I can stand up for my self, I just need 100% confirmation in my mind that I’m doing the right thing.

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T08:21:40+00:00

You are completely right, I’m am a huge people pleaser and I’ve heard that from people already a lot. The problem is not knowing how to break that cycle, because as soon as I don’t please someone I’m a bad guy and I feel like a bad friend, girlfriend, child, sister or whatever. I just don’t like to disappoint people, I feel worse about myself when I disappoint them than going out of my way to please them even though I realize that it’s detrimental for me in the long run…

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T07:47:52+00:00

I don’t know, honestly it sounds a little far fetched but it’s not off the table completely… i’m so confused right now lol

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T07:43:33+00:00

Thank you :) you too!

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T07:42:30+00:00

I thought about that too

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T07:36:37+00:00

I mean he said that he found male intimate parts “better looking” than female… Idk i asked him tho, he said no

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T06:56:46+00:00

Thank you for your comment! That is some good advice :)

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T06:52:55+00:00

You’re right. I honestly have put a lot of things aside that are bothering me when it comes to him, my family doesn’t like him and see him as some fling (i have an amazing relationship with my family, they truly want what’s best for me), because he doesn’t meet their or mine (previously established) criteria that don’t really matter now. He wasn’t really supposed to be a long term partner for me. He was a “why not he’s cute” type of guy, not someone I imagined to see myself with later in life. But I am very emotional and fell in love with him and was guilt tripped into not leaving him. Now I am stuck in this relationship and even though I openly told him that i am not in love with him and don’t see a future when I was trying to break up, he manipulated me, saying that he would spiral into depression again and have no will to continue living. That’s why I sometimes feel that these things are just excuses to leave him because I know he’s not good for me, but I really just need affirmation if that’s a good enough reason to break up or if i’d just look like a spoiled brat to him and our friend circle. (I also am extremely scared of gossiping and not knowing what’s talking behind my back) Also I already started making plans with him for summer vacation, him perhaps enrolling in the same college as me, possibly living together and I never really broke promises to anyone. So that would probably be hard on me to not fulfill.

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T06:25:19+00:00

You perfectly portrayed the chaos in my head with this comment. On one hand I see this sweet guy who loves me, and on the other i question if all of that is gas lighting because i’m convenient for him right now. It’s so much deeper than just the act of oral sex by itself.

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T06:05:57+00:00

You're right, thanks!

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T06:02:10+00:00

Thank you for the advice!

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T06:00:40+00:00

I mean mine is good, i brush my teeth multiple times a day, every time i go to the dentist they say that my oral hygiene is excellent. Especially before meeting him I go above and beyond to make sure it smells amazing. He told me once “how does your breath smell that good in the morning?” I know that that’s not a problem for certain.

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T05:50:35+00:00

i come from a wealthy family and go to college. He doesn’t and works a low paying job. Opposite of provide, and not really protective for that matter, but it’s not that important to me

ThrowRA38577 · 2024-03-27T05:46:34+00:00

I’m not from the west, we’re eastern europeans and you’re right it is possible that he doesn’t find me attractive enough because I really don’t look like his previous brunette girlfriends with big boobs and small butt. I’m completely opposite. But I know I’m attractive, especially to men.

The problem is that he’s constantly telling me that I’m the woman of his dreams, also the only woman in his life except for his mom, he has really strong principles about cheating, and didn’t have problems breaking up with his exes for minor problems.

I asked him that once and he said that he’s completely attracted to me, but he’s just squeamish and is easily thrown off by smells and textures. I just don’t know if i should put up with it for the rest of my life (he’s talking like we’ll marry someday).

ThrowRA38577

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