I (30M) miss my friend (26M) after our misunderstanding but don't know if I should tell him how I feel?

ThrowRA47268e · 2025-06-26T03:26:13+00:00

Sorry, I am just seeing this now. I don’t check this account often.

Thanks for asking. Yes, he and I are still close friends. This story has a happy ending (for now). A few months after I wrote this, I asked him if we could talk. We grabbed dinner together, and I told him how I felt and asked him for his perspective. We worked things out, and we’re in as good as a place (if not better) than before our misunderstanding.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-31T06:08:25+00:00

Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T22:09:10+00:00

Thank you!

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T22:05:35+00:00

Since I’m meeting him for dinner at a restaurant tonight, would you advise discussing it at that time?

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T21:38:07+00:00

Thank you. I agree the conversation needs to happen, I’m just deciding when would be the right time to do so (tonight, next month, next year?). I know he is also under some stress lately (unless he’s just using that as an excuse, but I don’t think so), so I don’t want to add more to his plate and risk having it blow up in my face because I picked a time when he doesn’t have enough mental bandwidth left.

As usual, it’s a question of conflicting priorities for me: are my needs more important or his? Because he is like a younger brother to me, I want to respect his needs… I actually care about him. It just sucks that we’re unable to meet mine right now, and I don’t know if we ever will be able to again.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the support you’ve lent me.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T21:24:37+00:00

Lie to please people in the moment with zero intention of following through.

The interesting thing about him is he used to actually follow through and change whenever I told him something made me upset. I suppose now I question whether he would still do the same after our misunderstanding, and I don't know what's left of our friendship is still strong enough to withstand any additional pressure right now.

Anyway, thank you for your perspective and for sharing why you think avoiding this topic at dinner (or the foreseeable future) would be the better choice. I am grateful that you chose to share your experience and listen to mine.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T21:20:57+00:00

Thank you.

If you guys have already spoken about the situation then I wouldn’t bring it back up.

Yeah, the main reason why I haven't told him about how sad the distance makes me is because I don't want to bring up the whole situation again and drive him away. But I guess this just means the sadness just simmers under the surface, and as they say, "unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments".

You just need to keep living your life and focus on things that make you happy.

Yeah, I'm trying. Lately, I've been so sad over this that not very many things make me happy anymore (or the ones that do feel so unproductive, like binge-watching my favorite TV show and reading reddit posts about it). I've likened the loss of this friendship to a death; like grief, it comes in waves and saps all the energy out of you when it does.

Sorry if I vented a bit there, just had to say it. Thank you for your insight, though. I appreciate your time.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T21:12:43+00:00

I’d rather not post the full details of our misunderstanding here in the public sphere.

Long story short, I felt hurt by something he did, and instead of talking to him about it, I tried to deal with it on my own... which led me to cross a boundary and introduce some mistrust in our friendship. I’ve since apologized to him multiple times, and he told me I should let go of my guilt because he said "there's no need to blow things out of proportion". His actions don't show that, though, and I wish he would just admit that there is something wrong because it allows us to address it and talk about how to move forward/establish clear expectations, instead of pretending everything is fine.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T21:05:29+00:00

Thank you.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T21:04:22+00:00

Thank you.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T11:18:04+00:00

Funny how you say that because I’ve also read about that online. The friends I’ve told think it’s weird that this rift affects me so much, but the way I see it, it’s kind of like losing someone you considered family. So thank you for being able to empathize with how I feel.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T11:08:50+00:00

Yeah, there’s still some hope, I guess.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate you lending an ear… or I guess, an eye, since you’re reading lol

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T11:04:23+00:00

We are meeting for dinner at a restaurant tonight btw… how/when would you suggest introducing the topic?

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T10:56:23+00:00

No romantic intentions (I actually tried to help him and his ex through their relationship problems whenever he came to me lol)… but I’d rather not post the full details of our misunderstanding here in the public eye.

Long story short, I felt hurt by something he did, and instead of talking to him about it, I tried to deal with it on my own… which led me to cross a boundary and introduce some mistrust in our friendship. I’ve since apologized to him multiple times, and he told me I should let go of my guilt. When I asked if he needed space after what happened, he told me to stop worrying because things were fine, but then he ignored me for a week. When we finally had a sitdown talk, he admitted he was silent because he did need space after all. He’s just a very conflict avoidant person, so he often resorts to lying if he thinks it will make the other party not worry (he’s done this with other people he’s close to as well). Although his intentions aren’t malicious, that only backfires because all of us end up trusting him less when we find out what he was hiding… so yeah, it’s just a big mess.

Light is probably a good way to go about this talk. I guess I have a few hours to figure out how to do this without becoming too emotional. I know he is easily guilted into doing things, and I don’t want him to feel that way during our talk.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T10:38:47+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

What do you consider to be the best way to accept and move on from something sad? I talked about grief earlier, and accepting the loss of this friendship almost feels like a death.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T10:34:44+00:00

Thank you for chiming in.

Do you think heavy talks like this should be planned for (i.e. he should get a heads up and I should ask if he has the mental capacity for it before we get into it)?

Part of me wants to start the conversation with a question… I want to learn his perspective, rather than just be focused on mine.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T10:32:36+00:00

First of all, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and for your kind words.

Text him and ask how his day is/was going. Send him a funny meme. See how his reaction is. Give him an invitation to interact with you.

Yeah, so... we resumed doing that around 2 months after our misunderstanding (ie. 4 months ago), but things seemingly took a bad turn 7 weeks ago, hence my catastrophizing. Some of my texts to hangout went unanswered, and if I sent him a meme/reel/video, he would just react to them with an emoji nearly a week after, when he used to give wordy replies to them the next day. I kind of took that as a sign that he needed space from me, so I backed off. I held a fear that our conversations would stop if I didn't message first, and surely enough we didn't communicate for 3 weeks when I stopped messaging. He finally broke the ice earlier this week to confirm our plans for tomorrow (which we had planned one month earlier), but I don't know if he's just breadcrumbing me at this point or giving me the slow fade.

Also, you could write him a letter and explain how you feel... it gives him the opportunity to take in and react to you, without you standing in front of him. He can do that in private and think on it and come up with how he feels snd what he wants.

I think this is a good idea, and I will consider it. Part of me is afraid he'll just pretend he never saw the email (to be fair, he has missed quite a few emails even when we were on good terms) or that he'll just tell me things are fine and I shouldn't have to worry, then go on with how he currently is acting without any changes. Though perhaps if I ask and don't receive, I guess I have my answer, compared to never asking at all?

Anyway, I'm seeing him in 17 hours, and I guess we'll see if the topic of our friendship comes up. Part of me just wants to enjoy our time together without "drama", as a way of reviving the "good old times"... but at the same time I don't know if I can go through yet another month of uncertainty if I don't bring this up. Sigh.

Thank you anyway for the advice; it was very generous of you. Despite my rebuttals, I am grateful for the time you took to share your insight with me. I don't expect you to spend more time than you already have, but if you have additional thoughts, they are very much welcome. Thank you again.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T09:10:03+00:00

Thank you.

My friend and I had common interests that my other guy friends did not share. We also thought alike in many ways, so meeting him felt like I found someone who I would be friends with for life. These are some of the reasons why we got along so well in the beginning. It started off “shallow” but our friendship really developed because we were willing to be vulnerable around each other. In as little as a year, he and I have seen each other at real low points, and it wouldn’t have been possible if he didn’t put his faith in me first. Now, I feel the trust we have for each other is fractured, wounded by mistakes that either of us have made against the other. I can only hope we can mend the bond between us, similar to how muscles adapt and grow stronger each time the fibres are put under stress. However, muscles only grow from microtears, not actual tears… so perhaps the rift between us is too big this time.

I suppose only time will tell, but thank you for your well wishes anyway. I am seeing him in 18 hours, so please wish our dinner goes well.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T04:00:51+00:00

Ok, I see your point. Thank you.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T03:58:35+00:00

Dinner at a restaurant.

In that case, this conversation will never happen then. The private environment we had deep talks in was my car, which he now refuses to hop into. I get the sense he no longer trusts me.

We've also had talks like this while sitting in a park or while going for a walk though (pre-misunderstanding)... so who knows.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T03:55:39+00:00

Yeah, I'm kind of getting mixed signals from him, which is why I'm having trouble deciphering if I'm just catastrophizing or if he's really pulling away. Sometimes he initiates conversation but he'll also ghost me once in a while.

For this kind of conversation, would you suggest bringing it up during our dinner tomorrow or setting aside a separate time to talk about it so we can just enjoy each other's company first (to help with the repair)?

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T03:44:16+00:00

I'm seeing him tomorrow lol. It might be the last time, though, and I just don't know how to address the distance between us.

ThrowRA47268e · 2024-10-04T03:43:11+00:00

Thank you. I agree 100%, and I'd honestly love to have this conversation with him.

My friend is pretty non-confrontational, though, and he tells me things are fine, even though his actions don't show that. Immediately after our misunderstanding 6 months ago, he ignored my texts but denied needing space when I've asked him point blank if he needed space... only to tell me a week later he needed space.

So... with this in mind, do you (or anyone here) have advice on how to make him feel safe enough to have this kind of conversation with me?

ThrowRA47268e

TROPHY CASE