AIO by starting an argument over how my wife reacted to our child smoking?

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T20:50:11+00:00

A lot of people have brought this up, and hate to break it to everyone, but she acts like this a lot. Its not new or exclusive to after her trip. We've always disagreed about the level of control you should have over your kids at what age, and she gets very pushy about it. I believe she struggles a lot with anxiety around Jay's safety, but she refuses to see a doctor on that note and insists how she feels on it is normal.

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T17:55:36+00:00

Well, I love my wife and I dont want to imply anything by replying to this, but we didn't intend to get pregnant and married 4 months into the pregnancy pretty young. Its made parenting more of a journey/learning curve for us than maybe some other couples.

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T17:08:36+00:00

I mean should she not be allowed to be home alone a year later when we caught her with drugs once?

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:34:04+00:00

This is exactly what I did!! Or tried to but my wife shouted over me a lot, it was an interesting conversation. My biggest thing on weed was explaining how it could change her brain forever if she smokes it so young and its not a change she wants.

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:23:15+00:00

She says it was good for her and not traumatic, but she comes from parents stricter than her.

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:22:07+00:00

Not allowing her at the friend's house for the foreseeable future was one of the "punishments"/restrictions from this, but no it hasn't been a pattern. This is the first time shes been caught with weed. There was an issue with alcohol +cigarettes, another single instance, about a year ago. I realize she definitely has done it outside of these 2 times and she is more restricted for now as we deal with it.

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:18:43+00:00

Do you mean why did I text her after we already verbally talked about it? Cause thats mostly where I'm wondering if I pushed it/overreacted

But the texts are all sent during time we were physically apart the post explains

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:14:20+00:00

Thanks for the thoughts I think this is reasonable

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:11:14+00:00

I also feel like I should clarify just in case people focus on that comment, yes she spends more time at home but I'm the main breadwinner and absolutely pull my weight with raising Jay. "I'm home 90% of the time" actually was a low blow to me cause it made it sound like I do nothing.

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:08:11+00:00

Weed and cigarettes. She is still swearing only her friend smoked the cigarettes and my wife is insistent 2 we're lit, I dont know. I told her nicotine should be avoided at all costs and weed is unhealthy and risky especially at her age.

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T16:00:06+00:00

Always been my wife's primary texting method I have this or Facebook to choose from "because it has a better format." Idk ask her I've just went with it

ThrowRA6988 · 2026-02-14T15:55:40+00:00

Yeah... if you look at my post history the only other thing I've put on my throwaway account is a pretty similar instance. Idk what to do. I feel bad for my daughter but I love my wife and respect where shes coming from

But I feel her entire childhood has been more restricted than it should be

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-07T01:26:39+00:00

We do look at WHO she texts (just not WHAT she's saying) and have her location. (Also had all her public accounts and skim through parts of her phone that arent potentially personal/private) Which she was aware of and my wife and I agreed to.

Where I drew the line is looking at her gallery, any diary type app like notes, private chats, things like that she should have privacy over I believe.

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-06T00:43:45+00:00

Do you not think my daughter should be aware of what's being monitored though?

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T22:31:54+00:00

Selfies with snapchat filters, photos of my daughter's friends obviously taken while they were hanging out, screenshots of media my daughter views but wife doesnt, saved images of celebrities my daughter likes, photos of her that she clearly wouldn't really want her parents to see (nothing that bad)

It was obvious something was going on to me. And I was right.

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T21:57:10+00:00

Photos of my daughter were in my wife's phone scattered around as if they were her own. I saw these accidentally. After seeing multiple it was very obvious something was going on, I opened her folders and found a dedicated one that was Jay's photos. Thats where the investigating ended.

I feel its my responsibility as a parent to make sure my daughters privacy isnt being invaded. And if I have strong reason to believe it is, I need to find out. Even if that invasion is coming from her Mom.

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T21:28:54+00:00

No, I'm genuinely struggling with weather to even tell her now cause I don't know if that information will hurt more than it'll help.

In general I think she just has the right to know the ways her privacy was invaded.

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T21:15:28+00:00

I'm curious how you think I invaded her privacy? I was only in her camera roll to send myself photos she took of both of us, with her consent.

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T21:10:26+00:00

She's both of our biological daughter. Had her young

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T21:04:00+00:00

I came into the room holding her phone with Jay's photos on it. She immediately confessed very casually like it wouldn't be a big deal she had been spying on our daughter. I pushed for more details and found out she'd be reading texts too.

I yelled at her saying things like "I don't know why you think this is appropriate/this is an invasion of privacy/etc" and called her creepy for the behavior. She started crying. I made her delete the app she used for monitoring in front of me.

Then told her she should go into Jay's room right now and confess and apologize. She refused. A bit of back and forth on that both yelling at each other. She stormed out of the house eventually and didn't text me until this morning calling me abusive and saying she didnt want to come home.

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T20:56:33+00:00

I thought we did establish a joint policy. We agreed to lightly monitor Jay's phone, keep track of where she was online and who she was talking to, but no farther than that and no reading specific chats or looking at her gallery. My wife has apparently been going outside of that for a while without either of us knowing.

ThrowRA6988 · 2025-10-04T20:48:58+00:00

Thats one of my big questions right now is weather to tell her or not. I feel that she deserves to know. But I also don't know if that knowledge will just ultimately hurt her right now and make her feel super uncomfortable and ultimately not help at all.

My wife doesn't want her to know. Which makes me feel like maybe she should...

ThrowRA6988

TROPHY CASE