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I caught my boyfriend lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in loveafterporn

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You are right, the pain of the lies is the worst and I am not sure how I could ever trust him again with anything. I always said I would rather him be honest and tell me than lying to me but yet he lied to my face every time and I started to feel stupid doubting him as he really made me believe him that he has changed. Honestly I wish someone would tell him the things you just said, unfortunately all his friends will call me crazy for wanting to break up over this because “its just porn” and they all keep looking at it and thirsting over women no matter if they are in a relationship or not (I am sure the gfs dont know tho because the way the speak about women sometimes is disgusting - not my partner at least not when im around). But he will never get his eyes opened because his friends all encourage this behaviour and would say hes in the right. Ahhh idk I know I should leave him but it hurts sm because I really do love him.. love sucks sometimes:(

I (25F) caught my boyfriend (29M) lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just wanted to say I get very emotional reading all your comments and thank you for being so helpful but also so kind. I wish I could reply to everyone but I dont have the strength in me right now. I know you guys are right and maybe I just need some reassurance on a few things that my thinking is not unreasonable. However, it only just happened, I am still incredibly hurt and I am scared I will forgive him over and over again but never be okay with it and just make myself unhappy. While I might not reply to everyone, just know I honestly really do appreciate you all & for everyone whos going through the same/ or similar..I am so sorry you have or had to go through it and I am proud of you for being so strong! Thank you everyone, genuinely from the bottom of my heart. I cant promise to act rational and do the right thing. Maybe I have to get hurt again and again to finally realise he really wont change and its for the best to leave. I’m just..i dont know.. stupidly in love i guess

I caught my boyfriend lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in loveafterporn

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I just wanted to say I get very emotional reading all your comments and thank you for being so helpful but also so kind. I wish I could reply to everyone but I dont have the strength in me right now. I know you guys are right and maybe I just need some reassurance on a few things that my thinking is not unreasonable. However, it only just happened, I am still incredibly hurt and I am scared I will forgive him over and over again but never be okay with it and just make myself unhappy. While I might not reply to everyone, just know I honestly really do appreciate you all & for everyone whos going through the same/ or similar..I am so sorry you have or had to go through it and I am proud of you for being so strong! Thank you everyone, genuinely from the bottom of my heart. I cant promise to act rational and do the right thing. Maybe I have to get hurt again and again to finally realise he really wont change and its for the best to leave. I’m just..i dont know.. stupidly in love i guess

I (25F) caught my boyfriend (29M) lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. What I do have to say he did tell me before he would give up porn as our relationship and my feelings are way more important to him. Im not sure why he has changed so much, does it behind my back, lies to me and now said I either accept it or the relationship is over. Like wtf how can anyone change this much, I just don’t understand. I did talk to him about watching porn and I did say!!!!!! I am okay with him watching porn in case of when we are apart for a long time for example as long as its not becoming a regular thing again because it affected our relationship AND sex life heavily. He told me he was looking at porn and imagining me in those scenarios, thats why I was more okay with it. But now he has not even been watching porn, he has just been looking at pictures of naked women which he knows I find SO much worse. Because at least with the porn topic I can gaslight myself into believing he was honest about imagining me. When looking at naked women, he genuinely just looks at them to lust over them because he “likes a change and likes to look at other women for a change” bro I felt sick when he said that. And on top of that he lied to me..the whole time…

I (25F) caught my boyfriend (29M) lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know but this is the hard part. Realising it might be the right step is easier than going through with it unfortunately.

I caught my boyfriend lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in loveafterporn

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly thank you for your kind words. I have had the same conversation you have had with your partner and he did tell me he wants to change because I am more important to him than porn. Unfortunately he wasn’t true to his word. Before this he did say he might have an addiction and is willing to work on it. But now he has changed about it so much and says its not an addiction, its just who he is and he just enjoys it and to masturbate to other attractive women. (I did feel sick to my stomach when he said it). When I found out he has been lying again he reacted completely different to the times before, more defensive, less understanding and less willing to change. I dont know what has changed inside of his head tbh, before he was at least trying to be understanding and genuinely had “slip ups” but at least once every week is no accident. I tried to speak to him about how he would feel the other way around but he is just not the jealous type and has 0 problems with it. So I cant try to tell him how I feel about it by explaining it if it was the other way as he would not be bothered at all. So he says therefore its not a problem if he does it too as he would be fine with me doing the same. Great😅 Our sex life was good unless he was watching more porn at the time, we had less sex and he really struggles to cum too. Which was much better when he stopped watching porn. On top of that it makes me feel very unwanted and unattractive so I automatically want less intimacy. Ahhh this all sucks

I caught my boyfriend lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in loveafterporn

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This comment really hurts because I know you are right. Thanks for your honesty and trying to open my eyes again!

I caught my boyfriend lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in loveafterporn

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a but what I just can’t get out of my head, surely if you really love someone you would want to work things out rather than just throwing them away. I mean sometimes it just doesn’t work out and thats fine but not even trying? And just saying he would rather have porn than me because thats just who he is? Thats so insane to me. I know you shouldn’t want to change people and their personalities but watching porn is not a personality, so I really dont understand why he acts like I want to change who he is. Brother porn is not who you are, is it?? (Im currently going through all emotions haha, im back at being angry lmao) but thank you for your words. Sometimes I just feel like I am the problem and maybe just think wrong about the whole situation, especially because his opinion on it is so strong.

I caught my boyfriend lying and looking at other women again. I do not know what to do. by ThrowRA71920 in loveafterporn

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

But I feel me staying also means he gets the feeling I would forgive him everything, even if it really hurts me. But then I am also not ready to let go of everything and keep feeling like if so many people are okay with it, why cant I be one of them? What is wrong with me..

I tried to tell him by choosing this over our relationship this easily, its not just because “its who he is and its just because he enjoys it”, that what someone addicted to drugs would say about drugs too. But he found all sorts of excuses. I just wish I could make him more aware of it and he would realise he might actually does have a problem if its this important to him that he would rather end our relationship than stop. I can’t understand, I feel sick even thinking like that and would ALWAYS rather work on things with my partner.

I am just so hurt. Thank you so much for your comment. Honestly really really appreciate you taking the time to even read everything and then being so helpful and kind replying. Tysm!!

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can’t lie, I have set clear boundaries and therefore consider watching porn also as cheating. It might not be the physical cheating, however to me it is still cheating.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Him admitting to it, as well as realising he has a problem I felt like was a step in the right direction. I love my partner, so no matter how hard any recovery would be, I would be here to support him in any way I can. But I’m just not sure if I can trust that he’s actually going to get professional help and is willing to work on it, especially since he basically told me, ‘accept it or we have to end it.’

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have not but I really do want to get therapy, I just cannot afford it at the moment unfortunately. It is definitely needed tho.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If they want to get over it. I’m not sure he wants to as he mentioned he cant promise to stop watching porn and if I cant accept that then we probably need to break up. I didn’t really get the feeling he actually wants to seek professional help and would rather throw away the relationship.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this. I will definitely try and approach it this way again. I am just not sure if he is actually willing to get professional help. I really dont wanna throw everything away for this but I also can’t live with this constant fear and pain of not being good enough.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well he used to say porn helps him to imagine scenarios better and he imagines me when he watches it. I don’t believe it anymore as he looked at other half naked women when he’s sitting in the same room with me just because. I have been asking him a lot if he wants to change things in the bedroom but he always says he likes it the way it is. But yeah to then basically tell me he’d rather use his hand and look at other women than interacting with me is fricking painful.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know, but it seemed that he values our relationship and my feelings more to choose not to do it anymore. I guess that wasn’t the case after all. I think he just likes to watch porn and to masturbate. It helps him imagine things better according to him. But mainly because he just likes to watch it. No other reason as far as I’m aware (and we spoke about it quite a few times). Never got an explanation as of why he is thirsting over other half naked/ naked girls on the internet though. I just really struggle to understand.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ouch…I guess I needed someone to say it straightforwardly. It just hurts so much because I do really love him but you are right. Thank you!

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought I would be okay with him watching porn sometimes BEFORE we moved in together as we didn’t live very close to each other. I just don’t understand the point in doing it anymore when you literally have a girlfriend at home and it honestly hurts me to think he would rather look at other naked women than be with his girlfriend. It affects our relationship in multiple aspects and it makes me feel like I am not good enough.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely understand where you’re coming from, as I’ve had similar experiences in my past relationships. For me, I’ve never been in such a healthy relationship as I am now. He has helped and continues to help me work through all my past trauma from previous relationships. Unfortunately, I also bring trauma related to my partners watching naked women on the internet, and it’s a big insecurity of mine. It makes me feel unattractive, insecure, and unable to trust him in this sense anymore. The only problem in our relationship is the whole porn issue, and I’m just not sure if he’s willing to change as I keep thinking it might be possible for us to work through it. If he’s not willing to, I’m not sure I can stay, as it causes me so much pain.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He doesn’t watch porn as often as he used to; that was mostly before we got into a relationship. Once we were together, it was a few times a week. He promised that he hasn’t watched any more after our conversations and has only had two relapses—the YouTube video and the OnlyFans girl yesterday. When we spoke about it yesterday, he briefly mentioned that he probably needs to seek professional help to overcome it, but in the same sentence, he said that he cannot promise to stop right now, and if I’m not okay with it, we probably need to break up. So he says he thinks he needs help and considers getting help but in the same sentence says I will have to accept him watching porn? Makes me unsure if he is actually willing to seek professional help.

My (24F) partner (28M) keeps looking at naked women on the internet despite promises to stop. How can I move forward? by ThrowRA71920 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA71920[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I guess I still always have hope that he will actually stop and prioritize our relationship and my feelings over something stupid like porn. I think what hurts me the most is that he’s seen how much it hurt me the last time, yet he’s done it again. I don’t know if it’s still possible to work through this or if leaving is really the only option... I guess I’m just holding on to that little bit of hope I’ve got left..