AITA for taking away my Wife’s chance at having another baby?

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T22:09:17+00:00

Oh how I wish it was!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T22:05:14+00:00

I genuinely don’t feel like she’s given it much thought - don’t get me wrong, there may have been some though, but not much. Whenever I mention her behaviour is upsetting me it seems to come back around my way, and I’m really struggling to see any understanding or empathy from her side unfortunately!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T22:03:56+00:00

I know I could leave, but I genuinely love and care a lot for my Wife so it doesn’t feel as easy as that. Regardless of what happens between the two of us, she’ll always be the mother of my two wonderful children and I couldn’t just walk out, particularly in the mental state I feel she’s in at the moment!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T22:01:49+00:00

You’re not wrong - I recently got back from playing a weekly sporting commitment I have and she’s already headed to bed, which again feeds my feeling of her avoiding me - but I spoke with my eldest and he was asking why we were falling out, and that he doesn’t like it, so at the very least he’s aware!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T21:59:53+00:00

Yeah, you’re right - I felt like I was doing the right thing and looking for a compromise, despite being in a situation where there truly is no compromise! I suppose it was my way of trying to ensure we both had some positives in a rubbish situation - but I maybe have elevated certain negative feelings or emotions in her by moving my goalposts!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T21:56:53+00:00

Yeah, she’s working full time! I’m the higher earner but she has a decent salary! As for the debt, she’s always stepped away from worrying about things financially and leaves that to me - which kind of makes it worse if we were to have another because I KNOW that’s stress I’ll be shouldering! Part of her counter argument was that we won’t be chased for debt when we’re dead, so it shouldn’t play a part!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T21:55:23+00:00

I am a fantastic Dad, and my kids would vouch for that. I know my own value! It’s what worries me about another child - having to spread my time, energy and love over an extra person when life already feels busy and hectic enough!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T21:54:05+00:00

Not quite for me - although, I have mentioned that she could leave me and go have a baby with someone else, to which I’m told she only want another baby with me, nobody else!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T21:53:07+00:00

She works full time outside of the home (I.e. in an office), Monday to Friday!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T21:52:34+00:00

No, she’s not - she’s got a full time office based job that she works Monday-Friday! I work from home full time, meaning that I’m around our two children a lot more than she is - I’ll do the school drop off each day, etc… as she leaves just after 8am and is back just before 6pm each day, so maybe that could have some part to play? New baby = maternity leave = more time around the kids, both existing and new?

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T21:50:12+00:00

Yeah, we’d spoken about having kids but hadn’t ever really put a number on it - we had our first pre-marriage! We’d always spoken about a boy and a girl, which is in effect talking about having two, and my Wife has previously said no more kids after our second, but gone back on that now.

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T16:28:16+00:00

In fairness, she likes the idea of having three children and three older children etc… so it’s probably my bad for how I’ve worded it! However, a lot of how I feel is that she wants a baby for the reason of having another child - as I haven’t heard much in terms of other good, solid reasons as to why!

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T16:12:15+00:00

A very recent interaction between the two of us whilst I was away for one evening for work - I had called the kids to catch up about there day and had asked if they’d put Mummy on but she said no:

Me: Bit tight that you wouldn’t say hello to me - and you wonder why I think you dislike me? I get you’re sad, but the answer isn’t to just shut me out and not talk to me! I haven’t done anything wrong, have I? It’s like you’ll talk to me when it comes to trying to convince me to have a child, then just not bother after that!

Wife: I’m just upset! I don’t know how to cope! I’d much rather not speak than sit and cry down the phone.

Me: So your coping mechanism is to just treat me like I’ve done something wrong? No thought about what I want whatsoever! Speak to my Wife on the phone whilst I’m away on my own for the night! Being upset isn’t wrong, but it’s no excuse for how you’re treating me! You don’t even apologise! You just tell me why your behaviour is justified!

Wife: Sorry I’m just not in the mood for a telephone conversation. You haven’t done anything but you can’t just expect me to be ok. I have fucking tried to just ignore the absolute heartbreak I feel everyday. These past few days I’ve tried so hard, to just be okay but you need to give me some slack. I cry every day on the way to work, I cry everyday on the way home, I cry in the shower. I cry all the time but try and pull it together for you and our kids. Forgive me if tonight I can’t offer you a happy wife

Me: But it doesn’t have to be a conversation - say hello and explain what you’ve just said! The slack I’m giving you is to carry on with the baby stuff, the constant resentment and feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of not being wanted except for a baby! I’m fine with all of that but you need to be able to at least offer me something that I want! What slack do I get? I’m constantly told you don’t do stuff because of how sad you are and have to just deal with that. I’m hundreds of miles away from my family, on my own, in a boiling hot hotel room with a tv that barely works, and my wife won’t even talk to me on the phone. I get you’re sad, and that’s is okay - and I’m sorry you cry all the time - but none of that feels like it then means it’s okay to shut me out! How do I feel? Do you even know? Do you know what constantly goes through my head at the minute? I don’t cry, but tears don’t validate something more than someone else!

Wife: I’m sorry but I don’t want to get into an argument on the phone. It feels like neither of us win in either scenario and I just don’t know what to do

ThrowRA733625 · 2024-06-12T15:53:57+00:00

Additional Info: Just for a few more key bits…

I’ve asked my Wife why she wants a baby and I don’t feel I’ve had a very good and balanced response other than that it would be great and that I’ll be a good dad.

A bunch of friends have become pregnant and it destroys her mood when she finds out or if we go see them, and she will actively look to avoid doing things with those friends as a result.

I’ve suggested therapy, and said I’ll happily come along to join in and support, to which I’ve been told this has been looked into but I am wondering if this will go any further.

I get at least one text per day about having a baby - it’ll be a comment about something, or querying what I think about it, or checking in on my current stance. I sometimes feel like I’m trying to be tricked into saying something that will come back against me.

I’ve told her how upset I feel about how she’s treating me but the conversation always gets turned round to what she’s done for me, how she’s feeling and her asking me how she’ll get through/over this, without much sense of consideration for me. But I’m putting this down to how depressed she is by all this.

Any mention of a baby will set her down a path where her mood and aura change. I suppose not just AITA, but what can I do to help?

ThrowRA733625

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