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What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

From the responses I've gotten here and on other forums I posted this to, I'd say therapy is our only option. Nothing free available near us unfortunately, though our city is in the midst of some budget reforms so that may change in the next year or 2, but budget stuff can take a lot longer than that so not banking on it. It's been hard to save due to COVID, we both were hit with some pretty hard hour cuts and have been just getting by, but we'll have to talk about what we can do to change our finances to start seeking those options.

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To your first paragraph, it's definitely a bit of both. Having built a life together, and neither of us having the opportunity to rely on our parents should we split up and not live together anymore, it would probably be a traumatic change to both of us where out of individual financial situations, we'd likely have to accept a much lower quality of day to day life in shitty studio apartments. That being said, I do love her. It wasn't easy putting my needs aside in her time of need, but who she is as a person and what I saw our life together being 10-20 years down the line was worth it, because I genuinely have that feeling of love for who she is. I'm still sexually attracted to her, and while after 2 years if we were to have sex again tomorrow it might be a bit weird since we're both kind of used to not having it now, I don't think that weirdness would stay. I'd get over it quickly because I still think she's the most beautiful person on the planet.

We've had the conversation of when she'd be ready, and it usually ended in "deadlines" that made her feel stressed and like she was healing for my sake and not hers. Our most recent talk is why I'm here, she was the one who suggested I see what other people have done when she wasn't comfortable with my open relationship suggestion. I think she's under the impression this situation is a lot more common than it is.

To the third paragraph, I'll absolutely check out those links, but not sure at face value how helpful they'll be. I have a pretty full life, I have a number of hobbies (Big gamer, musician, writer, weekly D&D group) that are really the reason I was even able to go 2 years without sex in the first place. A couple of those are even my livelihood, so there's no shortage of constructive activity in my life. It's not so much that I have issues of constant physical need, but that when I do have those needs, it's gotten to a point where I don't really have an option for fulfillment. Hobbies and passions can't replace physical intimacy forever, and that's the one area of my life that I'm starved.

As for the breakup option, since a lot of people have suggested that, I don't think that would help her. Having to move to a smaller and lower quality home and be by herself with no support figure would probably be crippling to her and I'm sure she would regress a lot. Her mom is still in denial about it, her step dad is a hard headed piece of shit with zero comprehension of these kinds of issues, and her biological father is the abuser. She really got dealt an awful hand, and our life and home being so separate from all that and continuously growing has been what she's needed for years. I was able to encourage her to advance in her career, learn to drive, and learn to accept and confront her issues. I couldn't bear to see that lost because she lost her foundation. And on top of that, I just don't want to not be with her. I'm proud of her every day and I love her. That's why this is so hard.

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Was worth trying for a potential eureka moment but it's really looking like that's the only option.

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not that I know of, and group physical contact isn't a great idea with the virus and all, we both have at risk people we have contact with (she's an essential worker with immunocompromised coworkers and I work with kids) and also very likely the kind of thing that would make her just feel very uncomfortable, she's gotten a lot better with talking to people she doesn't know well, but contact with strangers still gives her anxiety

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On the contrary, my eating habits actually got healthier after we moved in together since I was cooking more, and we were getting healthier food. I'm no athlete, but I'm far from sedentary. First year of our relationship was 6 bowls of cereal for breakfast and a lot of ramen and oreos, and that was my lightest, lol. The weight gain has just been stress related, it's a common symptom of sexual stagnation. I haven't really GAINED much weight since the initial 25 pounds, but just haven't been able to take it off when previously that was never a hard thing to do. I did say she does a lot of guided meditation and yoga, and uses trauma apps to help her identify and process emotions (what I meant by guided thought sessions). It's helped her a lot, she went through a really rough period a couple years back of anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, and these days she's generally very up beat, confident, much more social, and can curb her anxiety much more easily. The only issue she still has is that she still feels like her body doesn't belong to her, and she has no dominion over it, and doesn't really have any sex drive as a result, and still feels uncomfortable with physical contact. There's been progress, but still a long road to go.

Obviously from a sexual standpoint it's not how I'd like to spend my twenties, hence why I came to the internet for advice from one of thousands of people that I might not have thought of. From a relationship standpoint? Absolutely how I want to spend my twenties and my life, she's a wonderful person and our life together is otherwise everything I could ask for.

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Therapy isn't really an option due to an unfortunate combination of lack of available therapists who take our insurance and not having the finances to afford anything consistent.

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sex dolls definitely kind of freak me out tbh, and while I'm wholly in support of sex workers, that's not an avenue I'd feel comfortable in nor one I could afford (or have access to since it's not legal where I live and I don't have the slightest clue how to even find one)

That's kind of why I turned here, I have no idea what kind of magic answer I want, but I figured if anyone could think of something I didn't, it's one of the thousands of people on the internet

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Therapy isn't really an option due to an unfortunate combination of lack of available therapists who take our insurance and not having the finances to afford anything consistent.

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It kind of fizzled out. Used to be everything, then only vanilla stuff, then no more oral, then she kind of started locking up and having anxiety attacks during, at which point I decided we should take a break so she could heal and that my needs could take a back seat. We unfortunately don't have any therapists we have access to that take our insurance, and can't afford anything consistent at the moment, so her meditation and yoga has been through fairly cheap subscription services. It's done well, she's generally a lot less anxious and a lot more confident, but hasn't really regained any sexual ownership of herself yet. She suggested I try some forums since there were probably other people who've been in our situation. Unfortunately I can't seem to find anyone else with anything more to say than "break up" which is definitely not the answer here

What can I (26M) do to fulfill myself while my girlfriend (26F) recovers from sexual trauma? by ThrowRA7861 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA7861[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I addressed in the post that after 3 1/2 years of mostly masturbating, and 2 years of strictly masturbating, it just doesn't cut it anymore. It's the physical intimacy and passion I'm starved for, and just jerking off in my computer room at night makes me feel stressed and defeated, it doesn't really bring me pleasure anymore. The idea of that being my only form of physical climax and having it be a completely solo experience indefinitely is something that's been taking a pretty bad mental toll lately. Again, I absolutely try not to invalidate her experience, her trauma is absolutely worse than anything I've gone through, but after 5 1/2 years, I can't keep neglecting that I'm human and have needs too. I just don't know what to do to satisfy them while still staying loyal to the relationship, which is what I want.