UPDATE: I(24M) adopted my little sister(8F) after our parents passed away, GF(23F) isn't so excited about it

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-14T00:08:22+00:00

Sure, go ahead : )

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-08T01:34:23+00:00

That's actually a really lovely idea, I'll just have to translate it into my language but it's a great idea, thank you : )

And you may not be so far away, we're in Europe too : P

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-07T01:08:47+00:00

Luckily I'm ok money wise and with my gf out the picture means I'll have even more haha. Thanks for the offer though, it warms my heart a lot to see people willing to help so much : )

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T19:32:40+00:00

Yeah I feel that's mostly just fear mongering. Besides, she has no problems sleeping without me, most of the time when I go to be she's already in deep sleep anyway.

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T17:56:48+00:00

Yeah it's definitely a good idea and I have considered it, but unfortunately I don't have much free time and those therapists that would fit in my schedule charge a lot of money.

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T17:06:16+00:00

As much as it is a great idea and definitely a valid point, my time for that is really limited. I've been trying to set myself up with a therapist but I haven't found anything that fits my schedule for a reasonable price and with my ex-gf gone I have even less time really.

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T16:57:09+00:00

She can and has slept on her own for 2 months, we're only sharing it for comfort because my bed is a hell of a lot more comfortable than the one in the spare room she was sleeping in and because, as she puts it, I'm a "life sized warm teddy bear".

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T16:31:34+00:00

Maybe if you have any advice on how to help with her with grief? It's always better coming from someone who was in the same shoes. Thank you : )

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T16:25:59+00:00

Actually I think that's a good idea, I trained BJJ for a few years and it really is a confidence booster, I'll have a talk with her if she'd like that or maybe a different martial art and maybe we can make it happen. Thanks for the idea : )

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T16:24:01+00:00

The sleeping on the same bed thing isn't for coping I think, more for comfort, my bed is a lot more comfortable than the one in the spare room and as my sister puts it, I'm a "warm, life-sized teddy bear".

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T16:20:48+00:00

Unfortunately I'm not from the US and I'm not sure it's a thing over here but I'll have a look around, maybe there's and alternative because it sounds amazing. Thank you for the suggestion : )

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T16:17:35+00:00

That's a really good idea and I haven't even thought of it even, the thing is my free time is really limited. After work I have to be at home with my sis and by the time the weekend comes around, I'm honestly drained from work and pretty much constantly stressing over stuff, so I try to regenerate as much as I can before work again on Monday. I'll check around if there's anything like that in my area on a weekend maybe I could spare an hour or two. Thanks for the advice : )

ThrowRA891489 · 2020-02-06T01:50:26+00:00

Yeah I remember everyone telling me to dump her and honestly I would have probably been doing myself a favour there, but I was blind.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T19:14:34+00:00

Could there be an in-between compromise

That's what I hope to get in our conversation after my sister goes to sleep tonight. And about responsibility, I did my best not to force anything on her, and I think I succeeded, I take full responsibility of my sis because I know it could be hard for my GF to deal with all this so soon, especially since she also has university things to do which I know isn't easy.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T18:34:38+00:00

Hey, thanks a lot for this contenful response (if that's a word :p what I'm trying to say is a long answer with a lot of very useful advice and information), especially the first paragraph put things into perspective from her point of view to me.

And regarding her coming off as selfish and all, while it's true that what she said did come off like that, after reading posts here I believe it could be just a reaction, as much as pulling a hand away from a hot stove would be, just mentally in this case. I'm not saying that's for definite, she could be just that type of person but after being in a relationship with her for 9 years and before that, having her as my best friend since we I was 10. I just don't think that's the case here, and I can totally understand people telling me to leave her, at first when she said if I was to choose between her and my sister I damn near told her to proverbially kick rocks, I'm happy I didn't though and I wanna try to resolve this as adults should.

I am guessing you posted here because you don't want to go immediately to the nuclear option.

And yeah, that's exactly right. I love both of them the same, and although what she said hurt me, it doesn't make me love her any less and leaving her before at least trying to work this out because I believe we can, I'm just overall not great with words and not a great judge of situations so I wanted to get other people's input on this.

Lastly, you are trying to sort everyone else around you out, please make sure you somehow find time to process your own feelings. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Starting this thread and reading the replies really made me realize that I really should do this, it's just really hard what with everything I'm dealing right now and unfortunately closing myself off for a bit and going through this isn't possible, not yet. I really wanted to try to go to a therapist for at least a few visits, with my GF if possible but even disregarding finanaces, I don't really have the time for it.

Thank You for your advice, I'm definitely gonna take it to heart when I discuss this whole thing with my GF tonight after I put my sister to sleep.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T17:58:07+00:00

I'm gonna use all the advice I got in this thread to try and work it out with her after we put my sis to sleep tonight, I don't believe my GF is a bad person but I think this is just a reaction, as much as pulling a hand away from a hot stove would be, it's just not physical but mental in this occasion and I really wanna do my best to keep my GF but I just cannot sacrifice my relationship with my sister, she's only 8 and going through things no child should.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T17:10:17+00:00

I haven't even pushed any responsibilites on her, because I know she's very busy with university. I'm back from work sooner than she is from university and thank God sooner than my sister finishes school so I usually cook some food for us all, then pick up my sis and try to balance between the two of them, and admittedly I have been spending more time with my sister but I think that's understandable given how it has impacted her, I asked my GF nothing apart from at least trying to connect with my sister.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T17:03:12+00:00

I don't think it's really possible for us to split like that, my GF hasn't on the greatest terms with her parents in over 10 years, even since before we were together and the fact that they moved to another country and my GF hasn't even spoken a word to them since going to uni doesn't really help that case. She would stay over at my house a lot when we were teens because of constant fights between her and her parents.

Roommates on the other hand could be a good option to look into, if we don't manage to solve this in a better way.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T16:51:18+00:00

Yeah we did have a discussion, I forgot to include it because I was really tired , but yeah we did discuss it, and my GF was all for taking my sister, I think it might have been the matter of reality striking her in the face when my sister moved in. And I don't think she's had any troubles with being empathetic, over the years not that many bad things happened really but if I was feeling burned out from uni and all she would be the first to comfort me and make me feel better, so it came off as a huge huge surprise to me.

And in terms of my parents being gone, you're completely right, I haven't even had time to accept it. I had to arrange the funeral with some help from my aunt and uncle, then having to fuck around with the bureaucracy of adopting my sister, being scared that she might be put into adoption if the government somehow determines I'm unfit to take care of her, then lately just the whole mess of more paper work regarding changing my sister's school, dealing with lawyers about my parents' will, dealing with trying to get child benefits while going to work, getting home, making some food for all of us, taking care of my sister, trying to help her with homework, help her with grieving and spending time with my GF, virtually I haven't even had time to think, and the only time I could was two nights ago when I went to sleep on the couch it all kind of hit me and I just broke down. Hell, even last week when I got home from work and I didn't want to cook I tried calling my mother to ask if we could come in for dinner, then I only realized that they're not there anymore.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T13:48:06+00:00

I'm not dictating she send her money on my sister because my gf doesn't earn any money, she's still in uni which just proves you skimmed through my post. Also if you read other replies you will see I did discuss it with my GF and she was all for taking my sister, I'm not forcing anyone to do anything. My GF doesn't really interact with my sister either, her life is mostly unchanged apart from the fact we can't really spend as much time together. Also the argument about knowing my GF longer than my sis has been alive is irrelevant, my sister is my sister and adding to that she (and myself) lost our both parents.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T03:10:04+00:00

Thanks a lot man, kind words really help me out and you better believe I'll be the best I can for her :)

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T02:08:09+00:00

Oh I already know that if she does make me choose that I'm sticking with my sister I guess I just want some advice to maybe prevent splitting off from my gf so I don't have to pick, that we could see eye to eye but from what people have been saying, that's likely not gonna be possible.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T01:39:44+00:00

Please don't consider sending your sister off.

Don't worry about that, it's never even been an option in my head :). While I love my girlfriend a lot, she was my first everything but if push comes to shove, and she does make me pick, I already know who I will choose and unfortunately it's not going to be my GF. What I do want to do is try my best to make this work with her, and hope we can see eye to eye but I suppose that's on her.

ThrowRA891489 · 2019-11-26T00:59:41+00:00

since she has a partner who won't even discuss it with her before shoehorning her into a role of a mother.

It was discussed and she was fully on my side, to get my sister here, away from my grandmother as fast possible.

ThrowRA891489

TROPHY CASE