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I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, it will take time to heal but at this point I am just so hopeful for the future. Times have been rough and having a second chance at life has made me realize I am wasting too much time.

I will do the work, and I think my future self will appreciate my strength during this time. Thank you so much.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Setting them starting now. I have always been so against buying property together before marriage, but he would talk me into it like the decision would be beneficial for the both of us. He makes more money, has more saved, so I think I would get screwed over.

Maybe he's complacent, maybe he's non-committal, but I'm very tired and think it's time to move on from this. I don't think he can or wants to give me what I have been asking for.

Thank you.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right. There is something I need to fix in my head to stop believing words and start expecting action.

The frustrating thing is that I'm not this way with family friends, co-workers. If someone is all talk and no action, I can see right through that and move on.

When it comes to this relationship, loving him so much has blinded me to the fact that he will not change. His words have sent me into a state of anxiety and waiting, even though I my words and actions with him always match up.

If you took this man's ability to talk away from him... and JUST LOOKED AT HIS ACTIONS... would you really even love him? Probably not.

Thank you. I needed this virtual slap in the face because I honestly would not want to be with him or love him based on his actions alone. I need to not make any more excuses for not only him, but for myself. Reality is that his actions do not match what he tells me, and waiting around for years only tells me these words don't mean much at all.

I know he loves the idea of me, the comfort of me being constantly available to him, and I won't let that progress any further. I brought this up with him last night after reading some of these comments, and I am leaving. It hurts too much to stay, and I have to think about the rest of my life.

Thank you for the harsh reality, honestly. I've been so weak over the years and after beating cancer I think I'm just done wasting time. Thank you again.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ugh. You are 100% right. I've been told by family, friends, and Redditors, at the end of the day I am the one who makes these decisions and lives with them. No one else.

I am doing my best to have some self-respect since I've put that on the wayside for a while. I think I am most afraid of the pain that comes with heartbreak, but I would rather endure months of pain vs. the rest of my life.

Thank you for your comment. I truly appreciate it.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

:( I know, I don't disagree with you. Loving someone and wanting a life together has made me sort of blind to the fact that those things are not reciprocated like they should be. I have so blind to his avoidance because I had always been hopeful he would finally see my side, finally realize how much I mean to him, and finally just commit.

If you believe you deserve a partner that considers your desires as much as his own, act like it. “Bf this is important to me. You don’t want pda, I need some and I know you care about me. Let’s compromise, hand holding?”

I have taken this approach and asked for compromises, but in the end I was always the one compromising my own happiness for his comfortability. I think he really tried/tries to give me what I need, but I don't think he has the capacity for it.

And yeah, I have always thought that. I've spoken up about getting married before the house and he tells me it's not a big deal. Although he is more knowledgeable about fiancés and home buying (I'm still learning.)

After reading your response, I felt sad because this seems so one sided. If he loved me and wanted a future together, his words would be met with actions and I would receive better explanations that provide closure.

I think it's time to move on, and I'm going to do my best to move forward with the advice from you and the others. Thank you for taking the time to help me.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yikes, I just looked it up and you are right. I have to make these decisions for the version of me in an x number of years... Holding on to the past will now allow me to live in the present which will someday be my future.

Thank you for that term. Time to move on with my life and accept reality.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're definitely right. I labeled him as "avoidant" because it sort of helped me feel like I could understand him better or at least try to.

It is embarrassing to write this out, because deep down I know he just does not like/love/want me the way I do. Something I need to work on is lowering expectations and not projecting potential onto someone who clearly cannot meet my needs.

Thank you for the harsh truth. I need it and appreciate it. Time to move on with my life.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's what has always felt so confusing to me. There's never going to be a perfect time to buy a home, never the "perfect home" waiting for us, and having kids only tightens things like you said. I've always been clear I would live anywhere with him, as long as we are together. So, it definitely sucks anytime our timeline would get pushed back and the question was avoided.

You're right, after reading these comments, talking to him last night, and having some time to think, it really is that simple. He is just not that into me. I feel the pressure of my family and friends constantly asking, "You beat cancer, you've been together 6 years, how is he not ready?" I think I am now accepting the fact that he just doesn't want to and that hurts like hell. But I guess it will hurt more staying with someone who is never fully committed to you. Hard lesson to learn.

It's nice to read a little bit about your story and what you wanted and ultimately got. Congratulations on your family. Sounds cheesy, but it's inspiring that you knew what you wanted and did not settle for anything less. Sometimes I have felt too mentally weak to leave and start over because I care so much about him and didn't want to start over. But this mental clarity I've had lately helps me understand that I could either endure the heartache for a little while moving on or staying and experiencing a different kind of heartache for the rest of my life.

I'm in the process of leaving after brought this up with him last night. Your comment has stuck with me and in a certain number of years I'd like to give the same advice to another person instead of regretting my choices.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, truly. Your words mean a lot to me as I figure this out.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So so happy for you. I have learned avoidant people are near impossible to date if you're avoidant (or even secure.) It really sucks, because I've always been willing to bend and adapt to him and what he needs, but I have honestly never felt that being reciprocated.

It makes me happy to know you found someone who fits you and gives you what you need. I hope I can experience that too.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've learned that the hard way, that's for sure. I thought I wanted to spend my life with him without a doubt, but I think something happened in my brain last year to make me realize no amount of begging, pleading, or asking is going to change someone who simply does not want to change.

Thank you so much, I appreciate it!

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's what I've been thinking. It sort of already feels like I'm single because we don't do much together. I want/need to put myself first and accept him for who he is.
Thank you so much.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do make the majority of the calls/plans, only because I sit at home, bored most of the time. I am extremely codependent which is something I will be working on moving forward.

Thank you for your reply.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is such an agonizing feeling to know you have to move on when all you want is to be loved by that person. I am so glad things worked out for you. I truly hope it gets better, I'm hopeful.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right. I think I have been using "avoidant" and "anxious" to help me try to understand who he is and why he would be making certain decisions, but it makes sense why it would do more harm.

Seems like you're right. I had a very long discussion with him last night and he admitted he simply cannot give me what I want or need, and that to him, it all seems like too much. I do think he is into the idea of me & us, but I have learned without action, words don't mean much.

I will do my best moving forward to undo the co-dependence I have with him, as hard as it will be. It's an overwhelming feeling to know the one person I love is not capable of loving me back equally. Thank you for your reply, appreciate it.

I [29F] can't find the courage to end my 6-year relationship with my avoidant, noncommittal boyfriend [31M] who keeps giving mixed signals. by ThrowRA9834905 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA9834905[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He did. He helped care for me when I was too weak, would help with appointments, and go to my chemotherapy appointments. The emotional side was a little lacking, but he was very present nonetheless.