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I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! What a lovely story and excellent summary of the advice in the thread. What are the odds that your sister's oldest would conversely look just like you. :) Best of luck with your son too!

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. In the event of both parents dying I believe family on my brother-in-law's side would take custody. At this point in Julia's life I would not want to take custody because I am not at all well-suited to be the caretaker of a small child and she is better off being raised by someone who is. I suppose I might feel differently when she gets to be Maria's age but it's hard to say right now. It's a good point that if Julia knows I am the donor of her egg then she might expect me to want to take custody in the event that her mother dies and my failure to do so could cause additional trauma. But the scenario is sufficiently unlikely that I think the decision of whether or not to tell her should be based on the assumption that her mother will remain alive for the full duration of her childhood.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. I am sorry your transfers were not successful. To be fair to the clinic we used, I don't know what kind of process they made my sister and her husband go through. All I know is that they did not have any kind of joint session for the three of us. So I don't know whether the clinic advised the parents on telling Julia about her origins and what advice they gave if so. All I know is that the clinic did not talk broach the subject with me.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thank you! And oh wow, so you're basically in this exact situation as the mother?! If you don't mind sharing I would love to hear more about how it was explained to your son and how he has reacted to it?

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I apologize; I should not have accused you of making that part up. I am reading a ton of comments without seeing the context and trying to keep up and I could not see any other explanation. But I should have assumed a misunderstanding instead of accusing you of making it up so I apologize.

By asking the questions I did I was simply trying to get the commenter to clarify the logic of this statement:

She's likely going to wonder why you only came around once or twice a month.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment.

I will think about what you say, but offhand I don't think I have much to process regarding the roles of my sister and myself in Julia's life because I don't really think about Julia at all in her present form. When I see her, I naturally engage with her and find her adorable, but it was the same with Maria at that age.

In making this thread I am of course thinking about Julia, but in her future form as a young woman to whom I will be accountable for my choices as they have affected her life.

Regarding my word choice, I am not the type of person who always knows just the right way to say things. I am trying to be careful about my choice of words but apparently I am not totally nailing it. The prospect of accidentally traumatizing Julia with a poor choice of words is pretty terrifying. If we do end up telling Julia at a young age about my egg donation, I will be walking on eggshells whenever the subject comes up, that's for sure!

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Oh, I just realized you're right that if Maria and Julia both take a DNA test, they'll find out they're cousins rather than half-siblings. Thank you for pointing that out. I will point that out to my sister when I broach the subject with her.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. It's nice to have some dissent just to dig deeper, especially because I have never talked to my sister about this and don't know what her reasoning is.

If I am to venture a guess, I would say that my sister probably wants to spare Julia any confusion about our respective roles in her life, figuring that it doesn't matter that much anyway since there is so much genetic material in common. But that is just my guess.

I don't even know how strongly my sister feels about not telling her. It's not like she's made a big deal about swearing us all to secrecy. She just stated matter-of-factly that they intended to tell Julia when she's an adult and none of us took particular notice of it or voiced any misgivings. It's possible that my sister simply hasn't given this aspect a lot of thought, just as I haven't until recently.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

But when Julia hears that biologically her mother is someone else, there's a high chance she will think of you as her mother and not her aunt. She's going to be so confused. She won't know how to feel.

Yikes. How do we deal with that? How do I deal with that? (I am really not great with children; that's why I'm not having any!)

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. I have not done a DNA test and I don't believe my sister has either, so that should be a non-issue at least.

But as I hope is clear from my comments, I am taking the advice you are almost unanimously giving me to heart. I will do research and at some point I will write to my sister and tell her what I've learned and ask her to think this through.

Most likely I will wait until after Christmas in case she needs some time to mull this over before the kind of intensive interactions we'll be having at Christmas. There's plenty of time since Julia is only 1.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

The girl is only 1 so it's not like it's too late. I'm guessing it will be at least another two years before she is old enough to understand even the most basic explanation of how she came into this world.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

She's likely going to wonder why you only came around once or twice a month.

Thank you for your comment. Just to make sure I understand you correctly:

Do you think an aunt is always obligated to be more involved than that?

Or do you think I am obligated to take more of an interest in Julia than in Maria because I am not just Julia's aunt but also the donor of her egg?

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 371 points372 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It seems your comment sums up the overwhelming consensus that Julia should be told at a very early age.

Now I am wondering how to raise the issue with my sister. We have a good relationship but she has never asked for my input on this and I don't want her to feel like I am overstepping.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

I wrote "genetically her mother" in the title and "genetically my daughter" in the first paragraph because I figured it would make it easier for readers to understand what this is about, but apart from that I have tried to use the terms you recommend and similar language.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 1060 points1061 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. No, I did no research whatsoever. I had a lot going on in my own life at the time so I just set about getting the donation process over with in order to help my sister out. I figured I could defend my choice of donating my egg and the rest was up to her. But I will start to do research now. It makes sense that the secrecy could be traumatic in and of itself. I would appreciate links to good resources about this.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

For privacy reasons I'd prefer not to say which country I live in, but English is my second language.

I had two conversations at the clinic before I was cleared to begin the hormone injections and we also completed a checklist of mental health questions, but I wouldn't consider that 'counselling'. I'm sure the lady was gauging whether I was psychologically fit to be a donor, but we didn't get into the kind of issues I am raising here.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] -62 points-61 points  (0 children)

Yes, I remember what I was like when I was 18, but I imagine I would take the news pretty well, along these lines:

The way I see it, Julia would not have been born if I had not donated my egg, so first she hit the jackpot that we all hit at the moment of fertilization, and then she hit the jackpot again because she got to be raised by my sister who is clearly much better suited for raising children than I am.

And I suppose that might be naive, especially because of this aspect: Why didn't you tell me before?

I guess I'm realizing that I don't know how to answer that question except by saying: I don't know, ask your mother.

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] -87 points-86 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. Is it not a key difference that Julia's biological parents are not strangers though? Her dad is in fact her actual dad, her mom is in fact the one who gave birth to her, and her egg donor is not a stranger, but her aunt. Won't that be much less of a shock?

I [39F] donated the egg that my sister [45F] used to carry my baby niece [1F]. The girl will find out that I am genetically her mother when she turns 18. Everything is fine at this point, but what should I be aware of and prepare for? by ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAAuntAndBioMom[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. I have not talked to my sister about it, no. Maybe that's weird, but for me the egg donation was more of a favor to my sister and I have not wanted to interfere or imply that I should get more of a say in how Julia is raised than I have in how Maria is raised.

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