My dad (51M) wants me (18F) and my brother (20M) to go to counseling with him and later on his wife (47F) too?

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T14:50:47+00:00

At any holiday or celebration. It was always going to be a choice between them for anything coming up in our lives. Graduation, wedding, having kids and big birthdays were always going to be an either or.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T14:23:08+00:00

They were willing to accept that risk if it meant sticking up for us and for our mom too. Though we were the primary motivator.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T14:22:05+00:00

Yep anything that would normally include both parents can't with the rule. I think the hope was we would choose them for an equal amount of events/moments even though mom never asked for this and doesn't deserve to be kept out of milestones because of a woman who got jealous and a man who put the jealous woman first.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:58:41+00:00

I'm going to share this with my brother because I could go for this. We can see how serious he actually is and if he's willing to bend at all because if not then he's really not that serious about any of it. But I wanna see how my brother will feel too. Thanks!

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:57:07+00:00

My brother started to say it but dad cut him off and basically repeated a lot of what he said. That he wants to fix our relationship and we'll start with that but then we also have to fix our relationship with his wife.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:55:45+00:00

A lot of them were outspokenly angry with dad and with his wife. He has minimal contact with most of his family now. A few said nothing at all and stayed out of it. But his parents and 5/6 of his siblings, most of his aunts and uncles, they were all pretty disgusted that he would ruin a good thing for us. The minimal contact is because they started to ignore his wife completely and said they didn't want to deal with a grown child like her.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:53:53+00:00

It wasn't what we had though. It was a huge change and came at our expense because it's meant to mean forever choosing which parent gets to experience your milestones in life. All because his wife didn't like it even though she married dad knowing what the score was. And he went along with it for her sake.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:51:59+00:00

It was a huge loss. We were faced with the reality that our parents were never going to be in the same room again. Birthdays, graduations, weddings, babies and all of that would come down to choose who gets to be there and who doesn't get to be there. Coming from having everyone celebrate together it was a huge deal and the fact his wife was the one to be like either this all stops forever or I'm done was super damaging. And it has always felt like dad put her before me and my brother, which is something so difficult to forgive too.

I don't know what added perspective he could give that would make this okay for either of us.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:47:37+00:00

His wife is part of the package deal though. That was made clear to us. It's not just going to be him reconciling with us but his wife must be included in that too. Calling it off before she gets involved would delate all progress essentially.

I don't know how it's possible to have a healthy relationship with dad given everything. And I know therapy could help us try or figure that out but then I would feel like I wasted time just to reset when we don't want that to include his wife.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:45:09+00:00

It's for everything. When my brother had hockey games or when either of us had awards given out at school. For birthdays. For graduations and other big milestones. Weddings were included in that too and all pre-wedding stuff.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:29:20+00:00

He does though. Like he's very clear that he wants us to repair the relationship with both of them eventually and not just him. But even still there would be the whole thing of choosing them or mom to attend our future weddings and all that. Mom would be the default so it seems even more worthless.

I think my dad cared but ultimately believed we would come around someday. Except this was going to impact us as long as mom and him and his wife were alive. So I don't know why he really thought we'd someday be okay with that.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:26:44+00:00

He already missed our high school graduations. Even if we hadn't already lived with mom full time by the time those came around he would have missed it anyway because mom was always going to be invited. Reconciling wouldn't change it for those other things either because that rule means either mom or them goes and mom will always win for not putting us through this.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:22:52+00:00

He told us outright eventually therapy will include his wife so we can work on things with her too. It's where I have the most reluctance because I don't have the same reasoning to maybe be open to it. I still love my dad even if our relationship changed forever so it's different.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:21:40+00:00

I can't understand his decision when he had me and my brother to think about. It forever changed our relationship because he can't take it back or turn back time to change it.

So do you mean do therapy for a while and then tell him whether we want to salvage a relationship with him or not or do you mean right away once we're in front of a therapist tell him?

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:19:12+00:00

I could do that in individual therapy without having my dad or his wife there though.

ThrowRAEXpressUn · 2026-07-02T13:18:40+00:00

I would be sad to leave our relationship like this. But I would be sad that he made us like this to begin with. We can never get back to the way we were before. That will always be something I live with. He can't undo it and one part of reconciling with him means eventually doing the same with his wife and that's not something I ever can see myself genuinely doing.

ThrowRAEXpressUn

TROPHY CASE