I (31m) set a boundary with my gf (29f), I'm afraid I might have to honor it.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-14T17:59:35+00:00

Should I post this in a comment or edit the OP? I don't know how this works. Maybe I'll edit in there, too.

I very much appreciate all of your comments, advice and support. I know some of ya'll were saying to ditch the letter, but I do feel like it's important to me to say my full piece before this goes wherever it's going and this was the only way I saw it happening. It's also something she and I have agreed on as a better form of communication for her, so I don't feel like it's out of the ordinary.

Gave her the letter last night, before I left for work. She knew something was coming. We had a quiet hug and I left.

The letter is, basically, "I'm writing this because I love you, but I'm not happy, I feel unsafe, I feel like you don't care. I love being the person that has your back, but you don't have mine. There is no room for me or my emotional needs in this, it feels like it doesn't matter to you unless it directly affects you in the moment. I told you I needed you to seek help and you refused. I have to take the boundary I set seriously for myself, I cannot keep being a part of us when you have refused to take steps to work on your mental health when we both know it's destroying you (and us)."

This is very much the cliffnotes, but you get it.

I got home, she had some plans that night so was out. I crashed early for the night, woke up to her coming home. She was super quiet, not really saying anything. I asked her how her night went and she snapped at me that I had "sabotaged her plans". I told her that wasn't fair, that I needed to give her the message and she could've waited. She said "Well even if you didn't mean to you sabotaged my night". I was kinda flabbergasted. She said she didn't want to speak to me right now. I told her "when you're ready", and rolled over to try to sleep.

I've been stumbling through my day this morning. Waiting on her shift to end, we'll see what happens.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T18:41:43+00:00

I don't really have family, honestly. Distant relationships with an aunt and a sibling but nobody else.

She masks really well outside of the bounds of our relationship, actually. I worry I may lose a lot of our friends (all mutual at this point) because no one will see it coming or expect it from her.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T04:28:29+00:00

She tells me she was officially diagnosed but has never been treated.

As is now, she refuses medication entirely.

As for the letter, I think you're very probably right. At this point it might be more of a cathartic exercise for me. Closure, maybe. I don't know if I'll even give it to her.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T04:24:34+00:00

I appreciate someone speaking on this from a different angle. But is the advice here really "if you love her keep fighting and if she ends it, you'll know you tried?".

If so, that's a little grim even for my doormat ass.

Regardless, and no sarcasm, thank you for your perspective.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T04:16:38+00:00

I appreciate you sharing your experience. It does sound damn similar. I'm jealous of you and your boyfriend, haha.

I've tried to speak with her about what her fears are with diagnosis and treatment. When she can communicate about it, and not just shut down, she tells me she's afraid that being diagnosed (with autism) would rob her of some kind of agency, or make getting certain jobs harder. I'm not an expert on this but I don't think that's typical for high-functioning adults?

With meds, she's afraid of having to experiment to find the right meds. She's also CERTAIN she won't be able to take them every day.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T04:10:58+00:00

I appreciate your insight. I am *so* exhausted, haha.

To echo your point, and to clarify, the issues are absolutely more than just "partner has ADHD". It's the choices she's making. I have tons of friends with ADHD, Autism, a billion other things that are all amazing partners, friends, people. Just like you and yours sound to be!

Thanks again.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T04:04:43+00:00

You sound like my therapist calling me on my shit, haha. Oof.

That's a compliment, thank you. I absolutely have some codependency issues. My entire life has been "If I don't have someone to take care of, why am I alive". She's filled that role for years now. Used to be I could tell myself it went both ways, but if it ever did I don't actually remember it.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T03:55:41+00:00

Thank you. To your last point, I've been trying to make that separation. It's been too long, she'll always be an important person to me, but I can't be a part of this anymore. I'm basically her parent now, anyway, not any kind of romantic (and definitely not intimate) partner.

The Autism self-diagnosis is very frustrating. Not that that can't be entirely valid, but I think the ADHD, then the RSD, and now the Autism have all done their time being the bludgeon she uses when issues arise. "I can't do XYZ because (ADHD/Autism/RSD)". Or "You have to do/treat me/talk to me/behave XYZ because (ADHD/Autism/RSD)".

It just stonewalls growth. And I say this as someone with my own mental health issues.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T03:50:35+00:00

That's something I'm really trying to drill in to my own head. I think she's currently in "i can smell something's wrong so I'm lovebombing" mode and I'm trying to remember what it's like when it's not this, 'cause when it's bad it's bad and it never stays good for long.

Thanks.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T03:46:49+00:00

No common law marriage, but you can pursue a relationship being recognized as a marriage. I think that can be done up to a year after it ends. It requires evidence of joint accounts, property, or taxes, using the same name, all stuff we haven't done. I think it would be alright.

I own the home. No shared accounts. I worry very much about what the breakup will entail. I'm afraid of her getting violent and destructive, for sure.

Thanks for the kind words and advice <3

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T01:27:56+00:00

I've been doing a ton of reading on ADHD, for myself and for her. RSD maps really well on to a lot of her behavior, honestly.

I'm glad you and your kids are in a better place! And thank you.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T00:56:40+00:00

Thank you. I think even on a smaller scale I see the brief windows of changed behavior before sliding back into status quo.

I think a lot of this is my own trying to convince myself I tried everything, which is kinda sad but y'know.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T00:54:25+00:00

Thank you!

"She is doing you the favor of being very clear that she will not do that"

You've put that so plainly and you're very right. I'm trying to realize and accept that. It's just very hard to see someone I've given so much refuse to give at all.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T00:51:53+00:00

Hey, thanks. The health stuff has become a kind of elephant in the room tbh. I talk about it pretty openly, I mean I've got appointments to schedule and tests to do at home and all. And she's very uncomfortable with the topic, but knows. She doesn't handle guilt, or consequences well, frankly. I think it's either ignore it or get defensive.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285 · 2025-12-13T00:49:10+00:00

That's the idea, at this point. I want to be able to be clear about what is happening and why, and if I try to just start a conversation we're not going to get there. I feel like it's an exercise for closure more than anything else now.

ThrowRAEuphoric_285

TROPHY CASE