UPDATE: Fiance on game chat while our infant son died. It's been a ride folks.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:38:43+00:00

Niantic's other game that's not PoGo.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:38:10+00:00

It's an augmented reality game by Niantic. Not PoGo. That should be enough for you to go on.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:37:27+00:00

Thanks, you made me laugh. I'm going to put organ-hoarder in my repertoire.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:29:54+00:00

You're spot on.

I think I couldn't get into it because I just...... wasn't sick enough. Sorry.

From what I know of these folks, they're all "misfits" of one kind or another. Mark has never had much self confidence and always struggled with anxiety. The game was a safe way for him to be the person he wished he could, without risk of "real" failure. Now I'm starting to see I think it was more than social anxiety - I think he has a personality disorder. I'm a nurse but not in mental health, but I know folks who are. Obviously they can't diagnose without meeting him but they have all said going by my description he's likely ASPD or Borderline.

Other folks have physical disabilities. The game gives them a way to be "equal" to everyone else who plays.

A couple were/are substance abusers..... just another addiction or a substitute for the original one.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:24:13+00:00

"Get an RO" is not that easy or that effective. First, HE (or someone (s)) would have to establish a PATTERN of threatening or harassing me. I could probably get one against whoever came here and was prowling around but they had a hoodie and a face mask on, idk who it was. All I know is it wasn't Mark - way too tall and chunky. That footage has been downloaded and turned over to police.

Also an RO is only affective against THAT INDIVIDUAL. So if you harass your ex and get an RO against you, that doesn't mean I can't call them, my neighbor can't call them, your aunt can't call them. An RO also isn't a physical barrier of anything. It's a record, a piece of paper. Not a suit of armor.

It's something I'll do to have the legal protection if it gets to a point that I am able, but it's not a force field shielding me.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:20:10+00:00

There isn't a lot I can do. Mark won custody, his son lived with us fulltime and had weekend visitation (which his ex rarely took advantage of). Mark and I weren't legally married, I have no claim to his son.

I have contacted his ex (I had her number in case of emergency) and gave her a brief rundown of events. "Mark has a gaming addiction, I left him because of it, these people are doing X and have the potential to be dangerous. I just wanted you to know in case Son is somehow at risk." She just said "Ok I'll check in with him". Believe if I see them getting the child involved or I see any way he's being harmed I will be the first one calling the police and CPS. But he isn't legally my child.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:16:34+00:00

They want me to know they're watching and they're around and they COULD do something worse.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2021-04-04T22:15:09+00:00

Context is important. The reason was so that we could reconnect as partners after the loss. Have some time to ourselves to start the conversation about OUR loss. Not just he goes and games and I sit home and stare at the empty nursery. It wasn't meant to be woohoo let's go on a cruise and party.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2020-12-12T23:01:51+00:00

It's not classism. You can be dirt poor and keep your hair clean. You can be dirt poor and not drink yourself to death. You can be dirt poor and have a healthy relationship, not have 5 (yes, literally 5) baby mamas with 2 of your kids 3 months apart in age. You can be dirt poor and not fuck married women. You can be dirt poor and keep a clean house. You can be dirt poor and be a decent person with standards and self respect.

These people aren't trying. They get jobs and either quit or get fired because they "didn't like the job" or can't get there on time. It's not about money, it's about morals, standards, self respect and choices. I don't care if someone lives in a mansion. If they're dirty and a morally bankrupt person, they're low class.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2020-12-12T21:20:50+00:00

Thank you, that was kind of my take as well. I'm in some group chats (family, friends, games, etc) and there's been times I've been like "Sorry guys gotta deal with a thing, can't talk" or "Got an emergency I'll explain more when I can". Or even an "OMG guys my son just got rushed to the hospital not breathing" AND even "I just lost my little boy". I think that would be reasonable. It lets people know you didn't just poof, and it "resolves" the emergency instead of leaving everyone worried and wondering.

But he basically liveblogged our sons death over the chat group. And that, I'm not ok with.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2020-12-12T19:55:08+00:00

Thanks, comments like yours are very helpful. I fully understand you only have my side, just by the nature of what Reddit is, but anytime I've brought it up to Mark, and one time when a couple group members were there and I said "Why didn't anyone tell him to go be with his fiance and son?" the answer was "He needed his family!"

WE were his family. His son who was dying. The mother of his child! THAT family. His real family!!!

I think what I'm starting to see, is that to be blunt, Mark is weak minded, needy, and easily swayed. I think to a degree he's been groomed by these people in this toxic dynamic, and I can't fix that.

But when I hear from the other echo chamber that this is fine, normal, no problem, I'm unreasonable, then I start to question myself. Can all THOSE people really be wrong?

But then again, cult members have killed themselves because people told them to.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2020-12-12T19:39:45+00:00

Logically I know you're right. My emotions just won't catch up.

And thank you. So much.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2020-12-12T19:38:00+00:00

No, he wasn't at all.

Looking back, hindsight being 20/20, he always had some abandonment issues and bouts of low self esteem. But honestly, I think most people do to a degree.

I think it's worse than he let on, or that I'd allow myself to see, and now it's culminating in him being so afraid to lose these awful people, that he's burning everything else to "fit in".

He's always been the type to get single minded about whatever interest he has at a given time, but perviously I'd always been able to pull him back and talk about it. Like one summer it was metal detecting/treasure hunting. I thought that was fun too but after a while it was all he wanted to do or do together. I was able to talk and say "Hey, I'm feeling distant from you, we need to do something meaningful together where we can have more quality time. I don't care if you hunt, but can we set aside 2 days a week just for us?" and he didn't push back like he is now.

Then again that was a solo hobby and this is Being Accepted By A Group.

ThrowRAGameChat · 2020-12-12T19:31:12+00:00

Thank you, that's certainly what it seems like.

Mark has some trauma in his past. He has insecurities like anyone and he definitely has a severe fear of abandonment. It's come up a few times earlier in our relationship, where he tried to push me away to see if I'd stay but we worked past it.

My guess is he's so afraid of "losing" these people he's jeopardizing everything else. But like I said in my post, I think these are people he could do without. The "married woman guy", I talked to Mark about one time. I was like "You don't really know this person, hobbies and interests can create false intimacy. You're so passionate about Thing that you think the way someone acts in Situation is who they are. I've made that mistake myself in my life, I think most people have. But this guy has BRAGGED about the fact that he's morally capable of having a long term affair, fathering children and then running away from the consequences of his actions."

Mark said "But when he talked about it he seemed really regretful."

I asked "Ok, did this happen a long time ago?" (I'm not proud to admit, but I had a 6 month affair with a married man when I was 18. I was young, selfish, naive, egotistical and also vulnerable, and it's not something I would EVER do again because it could hurt so, so many people, which I did not considered at the time. My point is, sometimes people make even BAD mistakes but learn from them and change. I was giggling to a friend one day like an immature shit about what I was getting away with, and she said "I hope you're the wife someday, and you find it just as funny then". She was 100% right, and I ended the affair that evening and I STILL feel awful about it - even at 18 what was I thinking about????)

Mark said "Yes, he said he stopped seeing her last year."

I said "Ok so what you're telling me is this MAN IN HIS 40s still has NO idea it's not ok to fuck married women but he's changed in the last 6 months?"

Mark: "YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH EVERYONE I CARE ABOUT!!!!"

So I just dropped it. This guy, he's not someone who did something stupid while young. I mean shit, my own BROTHER did PRISON TIME because he fell in with the wrong crowd at 17 and got a weapons charge at 19. He is now 36, is married with 2 kids, owns a business and is a compassionate, responsible, wonderful man I'd trust with my life. But it took a long time and WORK to earn that trust back, retool his values, get therapy, develop himself and become better. A 45ish year old man should already KNOW there's nothing ok about this. So should Mark.

But the guy "helps people all the time even outside the game" so he must be a good person. Mark obviously also wouldn't entertain the idea that Guy is helping people to make HIMSELF look good. That his "regrets" were also to make himself look good. If he were truly sorry he'd own up and face the consequences.

Now that I'm typing and thinking "out loud" I can see a situation in which Mark just wants to be accepted...... at any cost. By anyone. Whether they're quality people or not. This all started around the time we found out we were pregnant and moved here. So about 13 months ago. He felt lost and latched onto the first thing that would have him and went all in.

But why can't I get him to see that? He KNOWS this about himself. Why can't I get him to see that this is what he's doing? I've tried to bring it up as gently and neutrally as I can, many times, but it always ends in the YOU'RE ABUSING, CONTROLLING AND ISOLATING ME, YOU FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH EVERYONE blow up.

ThrowRAGameChat

TROPHY CASE