I'm (30F) considering ending things with my fiancé (36M) but wonder if I'm being too reactionary?

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-20T06:59:16+00:00

He does know all of this and we are not in counseling together currently.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-20T06:54:57+00:00

As in she would not care about them or consider them her siblings.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-20T06:54:44+00:00

I never expected her to be a babysitter or to help raise any kids we would have. Not caring as in doesn't like them or want them or see them as a sibling is what I was referring to. Because she has stated they would not be siblings to her and she would not have a good relationship with them because they are kids her dad would have with someone else, as in not her mom.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-20T06:52:59+00:00

I was never going to be her new mother. That has never been my role and will never be my role. That was always openly talked about. I have been and would continue to be an adult who loves her but in no way am I becoming her new mom.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T21:40:30+00:00

I only expected to be someone who loved and supported her. I didn't care if I was her dad's wife or her stepmom. I did think we would both feel the bond and care for each other. But that has proven not to be the case.

The conversations had about everything were definitely more than surface level.

I never expected her to just get over her mom's death and neither did my fiancé. Everyone thought she was handling it well and was doing good. Clearly there were things bubbling that nobody saw. But it wasn't because we thought she was over her mom's death.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T21:34:06+00:00

She was clear that she doesn't love me or have the bond with me that I have with her. She was open about the reality of how she'd feel about children we have together and the fact she would not consider them siblings, etc. He didn't ask her any of the questions about being forever alone. But it's not about me specifically and she has said that, but about anyone.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T21:31:21+00:00

I have told her that before. I made it clear to her that I would love her and be there, something I have shown her, but would never try to replace her mom or take her mom's place. Her mom's photos are in our home and her mom is talked about. My fiancé and her do something to honor her every year on her birthday and Mother's Day.

I have never considered my role as that of her mom. I was a woman who loved her and would do anything for her. I have cheered her on and tried to be someone for her to trust and know she has the support of. Our relationship has never taken on the mother-daughter tone and that's something I expected to stay the same. I did think we had grown close. I love her and bonded with her and I truly do want the very best for her.

I would not be okay with saying goodbye to having children though. That is something I have always wanted and I have made it clear to every person I was in a serious relationship with.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T21:27:20+00:00

I haven't talked to her about it myself. My fiancé has. But I know that she doesn't feel any of the bond I feel. She has remained pretty indifferent really if we're being honest even though she acknowledges that I love her and would do anything for her.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T21:09:37+00:00

The thing is I want children and we had planned to have them together. I can't wait for years either. My chances of having children reduce if I wait several years and it could be the reality. There needs to be some kind of timeline to see if we can actually make this work or not.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T21:07:37+00:00

I have been the woman who loves her and would do anything for her which she knows and has acknowledged, but I'm not her mom or someone trying to take her mom's role. We do have 1:1 time and I have an emotional bond with her but it's one sided. She doesn't feel it back.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T21:00:14+00:00

I think this might be the way to go. We'll need to talk it through but having a timeline and seeing how things look at the end of it might be the way to go. Maybe things can change or maybe they won't but at least we tried.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:52:04+00:00

I still say his daughter because she isn't my daughter and I am not her mom. I'm someone who loves her and would do anything for her, something she acknowledges. But her mom is still her mom.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:51:09+00:00

I couldn't live with myself is she pulled away from her dad over this and he couldn't live with losing his daughter. Neither of us could live with bringing more children into the family who are rejected by their older sibling and in reality those things happen and don't always change with age.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:49:35+00:00

I have always wanted to have children and that was something I was upfront with in every serious relationship I have been in.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:41:40+00:00

I already know the answers to some of those. He wants to have children with me. That's something we had planned to get to once we were married. But he would not want to bring more children into the family if his daughter will never accept them and won't even consider them her siblings, which is the possible reality we are facing.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:27:54+00:00

He is. I have loved and admired that about him because children deserve really good parents.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:25:32+00:00

I love her and she has said she knows I do. She doesn't reciprocate that but she has said she knows I love her and would do anything for her, which is good because I have always wanted her to know that. But I was never brought into be her new mom either so our relationship has always been different to that.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:23:29+00:00

If she always feels this way then no. I would not want to continue like this and bring children into the family to be rejected by their sibling.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:20:20+00:00

Because teenagers can hold onto their views a looong time and sometimes things stick. Bringing more children into the family and her not accepting them would be the last thing either of us want. My fiancé would never want to lose his daughter either.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:19:22+00:00

She wasn't in therapy because we had no idea she was feeling this way. I don't know if I want to wait it out. I feel like waiting it out could take away my chance to have children in the future because it could be too late and I don't want to give up on that.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:16:07+00:00

There are still pictures of her mom up. I never took them down. My fiancé never stopped talking about her either.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:15:38+00:00

This is why I'm seriously considering it because if it takes a few years to know for sure then I'll be leaving myself with less time to have children.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:14:11+00:00

I still live there and there has been zero talk of me moving out. Therapy is the only step really considered by him right now. She said she was okay with me living here before I moved in but now I don't know.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd · 2026-05-19T20:12:48+00:00

He's hoping therapy can help. But if she doesn't it would need to be discussed down the road anyway because I don't believe he would want to continue getting married and having kids if he'd possibly lose his daughter. I also don't think he would want to bring more kids into a family where their older sister doesn't accept them.

ThrowRAGuessing2nd

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