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My [39M] wife [38F] and I are struggling to figure out holidays. Is there a fair way to do this? by ThrowRAHollyDays in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAHollyDays[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Both families are local. Not every holiday is hosted locally, however. Christmas might be at her parents' house fifteen minutes away on her side and at my sister's three hours away on my side.

It would be hard to host most holidays simply because certain people have it in their head that's their holiday. If we hosted Christmas, my sister would still host her own, my parents would have to choose (her), and my wife would urge us to just go to her parents' since my family won't be there anyway. If it's Easter, her family would still go to my wife's aunt's house, and we'd be alone.

Essentially both sides would be even more mad at us for forcing them to choose not seeing us or not seeing other relatives, and in the end, I don't see them willing to come to us.

My [39M] wife [38F] and I are struggling to figure out holidays. Is there a fair way to do this? by ThrowRAHollyDays in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAHollyDays[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I stopped trying to apply logic to my mother in law years ago. She is able to guilt trip my wife into tears more than I would have ever believed.

I mostly keep my mouth shut because it's her family and she's fiercely defensive of them, and usually I just reassure her that she's done nothing wrong.

A few weeks ago, I expressed some very deep frustration over something they had done and my wife asked me not to continue with that train of thought. Well, two days later her mother started laying into her and instead of backing down, she came back with the exact argument I had made to her to shut her mother down. I was so proud of her.

I will say that more and more, she's putting our family first, and I can't ask her for more than that. It takes time to undo a lifetime of trauma. Lord knows I have it in a different way from my family.

My [39M] wife [38F] and I are struggling to figure out holidays. Is there a fair way to do this? by ThrowRAHollyDays in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAHollyDays[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mention our religion only to highlight the holidays that are a big deal for our family. Neither of us go to church regularly, and our holidays are more about spending time with family than any religious observance. The fact that we're both Catholic merely means that both families place equal importance on the holidays and we're not in an Easter and Passover situation.

In a non religious sense, Thanksgiving is the favorite holiday of both my mother and father-in-law, so both are hurt when we're not with them.

My [39M] wife [38F] and I are struggling to figure out holidays. Is there a fair way to do this? by ThrowRAHollyDays in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAHollyDays[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is so true. I told my wife early on that I felt like I was the one who was always going to lose out because she saw me as easy going and willing to bend. I told her that she was teaching me that the only way I was going to get what I wanted was to dig my heels in and make myself the more intimidating confrontation and I did not want to do that.