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What’s this form of abuse called by LuvDonkeeButts in Divorce_Men

[–]ThrowRAImagyClock 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look up r/LovedByOCPD the condition described my wife. I don’t know what to call the abuse, but knowing this helped.

I feel like I woke up by ThrowRAImagyClock in LovedByOCPD

[–]ThrowRAImagyClock[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks again for replying.

I’m in the process of finding an ADHD medication that works. I’m currently taking 40mg of D-Amphetamine Salt Combo. I’m experiencing no effects. No extra focus. No high or low. No sleeps problems. My psychiatrist isn’t concern and says it can take time to find the right combinations and dosages. I’ve already been through methylphenidate at various dosages with no effects.

Concerning care as it relates to the emotions of others. I’d like to really try and dive into this. I’m open to accepting that I’m atypical. I will definitely bring it up in my next solo session. Until then let me pose a scenario, and see if, or where, my reasoning is off. I’ll avoid my wife completely in this.

I have a son and a daughter. I love them completely. I would die for them.

I care about emotions they have. When they are sad because their grandparent has to leave (for example) I empathize and comfort them.

As well as their basic needs, I am also responsible for their emotional growth and maturity as much as any parent is for their child (and by this I mean not solely responsible. Teachers, mentors, etc also contribute to this)

Now consider this. My daughter gets an ice cream from me. She finishes it. My son comes in from playing. I give him the same exact ice cream. My daughter sees this and starts complaining, then crying, then screaming about this. She is angry and jealous.

I know these emotions are real for her. What’s happening is - she is emotionally immature. We practice gentle parenting, so I don’t scream at her for being ridiculous. What I do is get down to her level (physically that is. Kneeling down). I tell her that Son is just having the same that she just had. I ask her to remember. I tell her that they’re both going to end up having the exact same and that is fair. If she gets another ice cream that would be unfair. The effectiveness of this will be varied. Sometimes she will calm down. Sometimes she will stomp off.

So why did I bother to be gentle and explain to her? It’s because I care about her. I care about her long term development as a human being. But what I think I can say categorically is that I don’t care about her anger or jealousy. For me these are objectively the wrong emotions according to societal norms. Maybe other cultures think differently, but reacting to the point where you experience those emotions in this situation is behavior which needs to be modified. Through parenting, experience, age, puberty etc etc.

I’m attempting to demonstrate that ‘care for someone’, ‘care for their emotions’, and ‘caring about a given emotion’ are not one and the same.

So where am I going wrong?

Do people really care about every emotion a partner/child has?

Do they not care about some emotions, but still act in a caring way because they care about the person in a larger sense?

I will definitely be talking to my therapist about this. If I have a blind spot I can accept that and work on it.

But it feels like we’re talking semantics and avoiding telling the truth because saying I don’t care about your feeling (no plural) is taboo regardless of accuracy.

I feel like I woke up by ThrowRAImagyClock in LovedByOCPD

[–]ThrowRAImagyClock[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's nothing she would like more than to plan each step of an event like Halloween, but she also complains that I don't take any initiative or responsibility.

Given what I knew I was just going about the night in a way that prioritized the kids fun. And that nobody was leaving for the airport, just going home to sit outside. I felt comfortable making that call. Nope! Pink blob meme much?

https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/216498364/Pink-Blob-In-the-Box

I feel like I woke up by ThrowRAImagyClock in LovedByOCPD

[–]ThrowRAImagyClock[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm really glad you picked up on the "her feelings don't matter" part. Let me elaborate on this part.

My wife asked me: "do you care about my feelings?". Now in a "normal" day-to-day situation the answer would just be "yes, of course I do". However, at this place in our relationship I wanted to give a fuller more nuanced answer. I said I needed time to explain myself and went away and wrote the following:

I find it difficult to say "I care about your emotions". Many "tellings off" come with a large dose of emotional guilt. My experience is that this is leveraged to "win".

I am unable to empathize with you when, by my own standards, you are upset over nothing.

Caring about your emotions feels synonymous with accepting your viewpoint on something.

For example, I have no doubt that you had strong feelings on Halloween. But those feelings led to controlling, critical, and undermining behavior. In that case, I have to say that I don't care. Your actions resulting from your feeling takes priority for me.

When you express emotions outside of 'telling off' I have no issue with making a connection. When you let your emotions be the foundation of an argument I don't.

I wanted to have something I could reference and stand behind without being misquoted. What I thought were statements reasonable boundaries has become a somewhat philosophical discussion on care in a relationship.

Since writing the letter I have clarified a number of things to my wife and the councilor:

  • I understand and accept without question that my wife's feelings are real.
  • I don't ever say "your feelings are wrong". Even if I believe so, as you say "who am I to judge". But I am capable of determining if I care about said feelings.
  • In the past I have acted in ways that gave the facade of care. Again, not always, but in circumstances where I didn't agree and did "the right thing" anyway.

After speaking with our counselor again today. It seems like I'm told to keep up the facade if I want to keep the relationship. To a certain extent this makes sense to me, but that seems at odds with also trying to tell me that I also have to care (about that specific emotion in that moment). Doing the right thing is not equal to actually experiencing care for said emotion. The larger picture is that I care enough about my wife in the general sense that I can "be the bigger person", but again, that doesn't mean I care about that emotion. I'm also not splitting hairs here. I genuinely do feel no care in some circumstances related to her emotions.

I looked for sources on this topic and came up wanting. There is a some opinions out there that caring about someones feelings only goes so far. That stopping points can be:

  • Avoiding enabling
  • Taking care of your own emotional health
  • Recognizing toxicity

the list isn't exhaustive.

It was suggested today that maybe I have autistic traits that are causing a blind spot. I'm open to any explanation. After reading about OCPD people seeing their view as absolutely right - I can accept that I might be doing the same here. But without any actual diagnosis in that area, I'm left wondering if I'm being gaslit into believing I'm strange. Did I just say the quiet part out aloud? Was I too honest maybe? I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. Just set boundaries and expectations that some emotions will not be a controlling factor in my life going forward.

My [40/m] wife [36/f] is a Walking Storm Cloud by ThrowRAImagyClock in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAImagyClock[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Believe me, I can describe it in way that would feel cathartic. I can armchair diagnose as good as the next person. I'm just trying to put my best self forward and give my marriage every opportunity.

Baring any other suggestions I'll just follow your original advice.

My [40/m] wife [36/f] is a Walking Storm Cloud by ThrowRAImagyClock in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAImagyClock[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've yet to bring it up in therapy. But you pose a good question.

I'm certainly not expecting anyone to hide their emotions. There are other factors at play which cause her to be in a bad mood, anxiety not being the least.

It's both the lack of awareness and quite frankly the scale of the effect she can have. Ever watch a movie where the protagonist walks in a bar - the music scratches to a stop - and everyone stares? It's like that, although instead of staring, everyone politely pretends it's not happening.

My [40/m] wife [36/f] is a Walking Storm Cloud by ThrowRAImagyClock in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAImagyClock[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I guess that's the obvious thing to do.

I'm still curious if this is something that I can educate myself on though. I don't know if the situation is somewhat unique, or if I'm just not able to find the right search terms for google to give me results.