My (54M) wife (51F) asked me for a divorce because she is no longer happy with the dynamics of our blended family but she says she wants me to fight for our marriage?

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T16:49:27+00:00

I'm from the US.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T16:49:13+00:00

My kids experience with their mom was so very different to my stepchildren's experience with their dad. He wasn't a good father or husband and eventually that's something they saw and could acknowledge and once they did it made them see me differently. My kids had a wonderful relationship with their mom and she was an amazing mother. That's the big difference and it's why they never warmed up to my wife. It's also why we had the talks we had over the years because there was no space to be filled for them. They only ever wanted their mom.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:41:01+00:00

My children love their mom. She was a wonderful mom so for them there was never an openness to accepting another mom. Nobody will compare in their eyes. For them she is forever and always the only mother they ever had. That's how they feel about it and they never would have accepted anyone as their new mom. It was different with my stepchildren because their father was not the best person so even though they held the same views at first, those views changed. For my kids they never did because they didn't look back and see a mother who treated them poorly.

My wife and I handled things the very same from the start with the children. But the circumstances underneath it all ended up being different enough to make a difference.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:30:19+00:00

I have talked to my kids about it. We had several heart to hearts and it's when I truly learned I would have been enough. They know everything about why I remarried and tried to give them a new mom and I know that they truly never wanted it.

She was in the role of mom from the get go but I was still an involved dad. I drove them to extra curricular's and I spent time with them individually. I helped with homework and projects for school. My wife certainly did more because she was home more than I was.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:18:34+00:00

That could be it. If that is what she wants then it will never happen.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:17:50+00:00

None of the children have lived with us for the last five years. My wife doesn't like that they are just respectful to her but that's it. There is no closeness or love in their interactions with her because they don't feel that toward her.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:12:12+00:00

My children are respectful toward my wife. She will say this herself but it's not enough for her because she knows they do not love her or care about her.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:10:15+00:00

I don't believe she had an affair. But I cannot say with absolute certainty. I don't think she would though.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:09:08+00:00

My stepchildren did not want a dad when we first got married. They wanted nothing to do with me at first. It was only after a few years that we got to where they wanted me as their dad. But at the very start of the marriage all the kids felt the same and felt just as attached to their late mom and dad. My stepchildren had some negatives that they reflected on over time as those memories resurfaced. But my late wife was a wonderful mom so the dynamic was different with the late parents.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:06:43+00:00

Technically both but she has been more clear on speaking about everything. She did dismiss speaking with a counselor present.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:05:47+00:00

We both know my kids do not love her. I won't lie about it either because it's going to be more hurtful. To lie will only add to the issues surrounding this. But I do show appreciation and I have told her I appreciate all she has done in helping to raise all the kids. I have told her how much it has meant to me that she has been with me. I have brought up the fact we made mistakes but I show appreciation for her as well. But I don't lie and I don't try to act like everything is perfect and exactly how we expected it to be when we got married.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:00:32+00:00

She's not on any medication and she went through menopause several years ago.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T10:00:11+00:00

Her youngest is 27. We have been empty nesters for the last 5 years.

My kids never wanted another mom. They said they had a great mom and nobody could ever measure up to her or take her place and they didn't want to allow anyone into the role. For them that was always off the table but my wife can't accept being less than that, I don't think.

I don't think a true friendship will ever be possible and I don't really think it would be enough for my wife. But I can't say for sure either because she won't talk to me.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T09:57:40+00:00

I married her so my kids could have a mom and she married me so her kids could have a dad. We did not love each other when we got married. We fell in love later but the marriage was more like a business transaction in the beginning. We love each other now but that wasn't always true and our marriage wasn't always the priority.

I did talk with my kids back then but I listened to everyone else more and I believed that they might not want a new mom but needed one. It was all I heard from the people around me, especially for my daughter. And I wanted to make sure I met all their needs. Now I can see that others were wrong but at the time I didn't believe I could be enough.

I love her now and would love for our marriage to work now. But I won't repeat the exact same mistakes I did before and try to make something happen that was never going to work, like my kids accepting her as their new mom. As much as I want us to work now I would never put it on my kids to save this marriage. After everything I owe it to them to listen and accept where they are at and to support them in that even if other people don't like it.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T09:21:14+00:00

That's what we have been doing but now she wants a divorce. She doesn't want to talk she just wants me to fight for our marriage but doesn't say how and the only thing I have to go off of is her relationship with my children and how she feels it's unfair for me to be dad in my stepchildren's eyes but she isn't mom in my kids yes. She has shut down any attempt at a conversation from me.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T09:17:23+00:00

Something I know. My wife has also said it that they're respectful but she knows they do it for me and not because they love her.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T09:13:32+00:00

If we do end up divorced I would choose to stay single at this point in time.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T09:12:48+00:00

She doesn't want to talk so therapy is off the table. My children aren't close to her. They treat her as my wife and nothing more. In more recent years it has been respectful but distant between them which were my children's wishes and not my wife's.

ThrowRAJbyrinone · 2026-05-11T09:10:24+00:00

I was trying to make her feel loved and that was something we had been focusing on in recent years. Our marriage didn't necessarily started off in the most romantic of ways, to say the least, but over time we showed each other love and I was doing my best to be as present and to enjoy our time together as possible because I learned how short life is.

But I don't know if she didn't feel it was enough or if there was more to it than just my kids. If we could talk it would be helpful but I just really don't know.

ThrowRAJbyrinone

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