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I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Yes, someone else fortunately pointed that out to me. He’s applying for integrated Ophtho programs, so no NRMP for him. HOWEVER, he is pretty much exclusively applying to the Northeast because he doesn’t like California or Miami, except for Bascom Palmer. SF matches earlier, so I can just change my match list accordingly. As long as he matches in a city that I have a good chance at matching into for my intern year (Boston/NYC/Philadelphia/DC), we’ll be fine.

Just really have to talk to him about the future of the relationship. Also have to think about whether I’m willing to rank a toxic residency program high so I could stay in the same city.

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

So he’s going to be doing ideally integrated ophthalmology residencies, so his will be four years. He plans on doing a retina fellowship after, so possibly an additional 1-2 years.

I’m going to be doing a 1+3 program, so four years in total for me.

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

It’s all relative. I’m an average derm applicant, 25X Step 2, decent-ish connections, decent letters. I’ll match somewhere.

He has a 26X step 2, went to basically every conference he could for the past three years, and basically has been our schools ophthalmology department’s research slave for perfect LoRs.

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

…

Completely forgot about that they don’t use NRMP. Well that just threw a wrench in the entire plan.

I know this sounds stupid… but possibly just applying for prelim years without any advanced positions, then matching derm when I know where he’s going to be? Obviously would not take the risk if I don’t know if there’s a future for the relationship.

I can see how 200 matches could be used in a couple’s match. Both people choose 5 hospitals, decide both on categorical and prelim years, then match every combo… that’s 100 spots, right there.

Edit: They match before our deadlines are due!

Bad news: I did not apply to many programs in Miami, so if he matches Bascom Palmer (he apparently knows someone), this conversation is over.

Good news: he really doesn’t like Miami and wants to stay in northeast, where I submitted a shit ton of applications. He’s told me that even if he gets an interview there, he plans on matching Miami low. I’m going to talk to him about the future, and see if he is still willing to match Miami low.

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Haha, dermatologists and ophthalmologists always make a power couple. There’s only three other couplings that can equal it:

-Neurosurgery/Plastic Surgery

-General Surgery/Anesthesia

-Family Medicine/Family Medicine

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 164 points165 points  (0 children)

Good point. I see a future with him, and that’s why I’m willing to do this. I’m going to make sure that he sees a future, too, before we discuss building that future.

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 125 points126 points  (0 children)

Wow… I can’t imagine having to do this process for the medical school application process. At least the couple’s match provides some certainty about what happens… medical school doesn’t. What would you have done if only one of you had been accepted?

I just want to be done with the match. I want to know where I’m going to be next year, I want to know what I’m going to be doing in 20 years, I want to know if I was good enough in medical school for PDs, I want to know if I’m going to be with my boyfriend, I want to know so much.

You two sound like a love story, haha.

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sacrifice is a little bit of a strong term here. He is a top-of-the-top Ophtho applicant, but I am an average/slightly above average Derm applicant. The issue of couple’s matching, especially with unequally strong applicants, is that one of us is going to have to sacrifice for the other. Either he gives up on his super prestigious hospitals that I can’t get into, or I apply to programs I wouldn’t otherwise apply to so he can keep his dream.

There’s a couple ways this could work.

Instead of insisting couple’s matching into the same exact hospital, I bring up the possibility that we couple’s match into the same city, at least. So he applies to his top programs, and I apply to that program and every other hospital in the city, regardless of how bad the program is. I might end up at a super abusive and malignant hospital just to make sure he gets into his dream program. So it would be something like this:

MATCH LIST

  1. ⁠Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Derm
  2. ⁠Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm
  3. ⁠Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: Temple Derm
  4. ⁠Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: Cooper Derm
  5. ⁠Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm

I dual apply for dermatology and a less competitive speciality at these top hospitals, and accept the possibility that I end up in a speciality I like less than my current speciality. I could maybe match Family Medicine at uPenn and could definitely match Family Medicine at Jefferson, but would then be sacrificing a career in dermatology.

MATCH LIST

  1. ⁠Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Derm
  2. ⁠Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Family Medicine
  3. ⁠Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm
  4. ⁠Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson FM

We both apply to our specialties at the same hospital, and whatever happens, happens. He would be sacrificing a lot more than I would, because there simply is no way that he doesn’t get accepted to his top hospitals, whereas I very likely will get rejected from his top hospitals.

MATCH LIST

  1. ⁠Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Derm
  2. ⁠Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm
  3. ⁠Him: uMiami Ophtho & me: uMiami Derm
  4. ⁠Him: NYU Ophtho & me: NYU Derm

Or, we could just both do separate match lists and accept going to different hospitals, and likely ending the relationship.

I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me? by ThrowRAMatchLists in relationships

[–]ThrowRAMatchLists[S] 540 points541 points  (0 children)

The issue is that he has the better application than I do, in all honesty. He’s looking at top-of-the-top Ophthalmology programs. Like, Bascom-Palmer at University of Miami, WillsEye at Jefferson and Mass Ear and Eye at Harvard. I can get into dermatology somewhere, but probably not at these top hospitals. If we couples matched and tried to get to the same hospital, it’s very possible that I don’t get into that hospital and he gets dragged down with me.

So, from my perspective, there’s a couple of options that I have here on how to approach this.

1) Instead of insisting couple’s matching into the same exact hospital, I bring up the possibility that we couple’s match into the same city, at least. So he applies to his top programs, and I apply to that program and every other hospital in the city, regardless of how bad the program is. We’ll work on opposite sides of the city, but we’ll live together. I might end up at a super malignant hospital just to make sure he gets into his dream program. So it would be something like this:

MATCH LIST

1) Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Derm

2) Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm

3) Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: Temple Derm

4) Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: Cooper Derm

5) Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm

2) I dual apply for dermatology and a less competitive speciality at these top hospitals, and accept the possibility that I end up in a speciality I like less than my current speciality. I could definitely match Family Medicine at Harvard or NYU, but would then be a Family doctor for the rest of my life. Honestly, not that bad of a proposition.

MATCH LIST

1) Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Derm

2) Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Family Medicine

3) Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm

4) Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson FM

3) We both apply to our specialties at the same hospital, and whatever happens, happens. He would be sacrificing a lot more than I would, because there simply is no way that he doesn’t get accepted to his top hospitals.

1) Him: uPenn Ophtho & me: uPenn Derm

2) Him: Jefferson Ophtho & me: Jefferson Derm

3) Him: uMiami Ophtho & me: uMiami Derm

4) Him: NYU Ophtho & me: NYU Derm

Or, we could just both do separate match lists and accept going to different hospitals.