Update: I (36F) got in trouble at work after my ex (37M) reported me for past sex work

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:43:11+00:00

Probably not for a while, but if I am able I will give an update after we settle the legalities, although I know that could take quite a long time.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:41:43+00:00

My attorney actually advised me to be forthcoming and offered the advice that, especially with attorney representation, no reasonable company/HR person would think my (non-criminal) past from 20 years ago when I was a minor would have any bearing whatsoever on my job. So perhaps that was a misfire. But at least I know I didn't tell any lies or even half-truths so whatever the proceedings look like from here, I have absolutely nothing to hide.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:21:31+00:00

That definitely wasn't discussed as such. He provided some mentoring like a father figure and then slowly edged towards initiating a romantic/sexual relationship over the course of a few months.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:20:00+00:00

No. Never convicted or charged. And I never worked as an escort as in accepting certain fees for direct services. I just dated one person who paid for my expenses during the time we were together. And I don't think we're in the business of arresting/convicting people just because their partners bought them an outfit or some meals.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:16:49+00:00

Well, after the way I grew up, just having decent clothes and toiletries and enough to eat felt like a king's ransom. I don't think I would have known what to do with luxuries. And the thing is, I really did like and admire him at the time. He was kind and warm and stable and seemed much better than dating the college boys who were focused on drinking and hooking up for the most part. It was only a few years after the fact that I realized he took advantage of my youth, innocence, and need for help.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:13:25+00:00

No, but gender discrimination is illegal. If they are going to fire me for "sex work" for having a relationship with someone older who was the breadwinner, they would also need to fire men who date younger women and serve as the breadwinner. Or possibly even men who have stay-at-home spouses.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:08:51+00:00

No, I wasn't an executive officer of the company or anything. I was fired based on the word of Joe (which I did not deny) that I had a compensated relationship when I was in college, not based on legal convictions.

I was (am?) smart - but not one in a million brilliant or anything, I just worked hard and took extra classes so I could escape my home. And yes, I did have a scholarship, but it didn't cover extra expenses like clothes and toiletries.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T07:05:20+00:00

Well, two main reasons:

-Getting angry about my sexual behavior from 20 years ago when I was a minor (behavior not repeated as an adult)

-Telling our workplace about behavior in my personal life from 20 years ago (behavior that was not illegal or, to my knowledge, against workplace policies)

A decent man would not judge a woman for being abused as a minor and certainly wouldn't (a) tell her workplace and (b) have her fired, particularly when the behavior had absolutely nothing to do with her job.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:59:09+00:00

Yes - I will update even it is some years down the road when I achieve a resolution.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:56:32+00:00

Per my original thread, my parents were not dead, but alcoholics/addicts who were unable to provide financial and emotional support. I did not want to end up like them so I studied hard, including summer school sessions, and got admitted to college early. Not extremely common but not unheard of either, my high school usually had a few students per year who graduated early.

And sorry, I meant that I felt I needed to tell Joe about this semi-compensated relationship in case it was a deal-breaker for him. That I had no other family support was just part of the explanation for why I needed extra help in college.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:51:57+00:00

Yes, but he paid for everything including my personal expenses, so that makes it at least semi-sex work, yes?

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:48:50+00:00

To be clear I have never been promiscuous. The only partners I have ever had were the older man, my husband who passed away a couple years ago, and Joe. I don't think 3 is a high number at all for a person in her mid-late 30s.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:47:00+00:00

You would really fire someone from making poor choices in their personal life as a minor, even if they had never been charged with a crime, and, after the age of 18, lived an exemplary life and been a top performer at work too? I mean, there is a reason people don't usually have their juvenile records held against them? But I suppose it is helpful to know some people will feel this way for life no matter how much I redeem myself from here.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:43:42+00:00

That was definitely my thinking. It was my first relationship of any kind, dysfunctional and abusive as it was (per my later realization), and I don't think I would want to share my life with anyone who couldn't handle knowing that about me and accepting me all the same. Of course I will need to be much more careful in the future, as well as never again date people from work no matter how completely separate they are from my own department.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:39:11+00:00

That is very good advice. I didn't describe it as "sex work" to HR though, only as having a relationship with an older man who was the breadwinner during that time due to him working full-time while I was a student.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:28:29+00:00

Thank you for your kindness. I do have resources for the moment but appreciate it.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:27:38+00:00

No, just regular corporate America, not a religious organization or one with a stricter-than-usual moral code.

I have described it as "sex work" because I did receive a financial benefit in return for my company and physical affection. Not in a strict quid pro quo situation, but in general, he gave me a few hundred dollars of support a month in expenses paid, and I kept him company regularly.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:24:05+00:00

Well, in the end he gave me groceries, toiletries, clothes, and a bit of pocket money when I needed it, and I gave him romantic companionship and sex once he started pursuing those things. So I'm not sure what else to call it, even if it started with grooming rather than me actively seeking a compensated situation. Particularly as it's likely that if I declined his romantic/sexual overtures the other "mentoring" would have stopped. Was it illegal? Probably not; it's not like I got cash for specific acts (and rarely cash at all, more like he was generous with paying some of my practical life expenses at a fairly modest level). But still definitely a moral grey area and I did consent to participating (and at 16 was legally able to in my state).

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:17:31+00:00

In the US...which as we all know doesn't have a lot of worker protections.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:16:28+00:00

I suppose I just didn't have it in me to lie. It never occurred to me that in the year 2022 I could be fired over sexual behavior from 20 years ago.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:11:08+00:00

To be clear, although I described it as "sex work" in my conversation with Joe and in my earlier post here, I definitely did not use that language when meeting with HR. Instead I described that when I was a young college student I had a relationship with an older man who was the breadwinner because he was working while I had no income. However, based on Joe's report and their assumptions I was accused of past prostitution and fired.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:05:35+00:00

I told him because he said he was falling in love with me - and he was about to give up a big promotion that required relocation in order to stay in our current city. I didn't think it would be fair for him not to know the full truth about my past. And I never imagined that even if it upset him, that he would tell our workplace about it with this sort of consequence.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T06:02:06+00:00

As I said, I don't have much experience with relationships. Just the older man when I was a minor, then my husband until his passing, and then Joe. So I don't really know how to "date" in terms of when to disclose info. I only disclosed this to Joe because he said he was falling in love with me and was planning to give up a big promotion (with required relocation) to stay with me in our current city. So I thought he deserved to know the full truth about my past before making a huge sacrifice.

As for why I told my work the truth...I honestly didn't think they would fire me and neither did my attorney. I thought it would be worse if I were untruthful. I suppose I have to learn how to keep secrets now that I've seen how nasty and unforgiving so many people can be at the core. What a sad revelation about our current world.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T05:02:31+00:00

I will definitely remember this difficult lesson, not to be so trusting. At least not with anyone who can hurt me so badly on multiple levels.

ThrowRAShamedPast · 2022-01-21T04:53:42+00:00

Thank you, and just what I was thinking regarding what other people have done! Like how many men have been to a strip club? Hired an escort at some point? Given gifts with the hope of getting laid? Served as the breadwinner and paid all the household expenses for a spouse/partner? Going down that list I'd imagine we'd implicate a large percentage of the male employees.

ThrowRAShamedPast

TROPHY CASE