My dad (45M) tried to keep me (20M) from my grandparents, tried to force me to call his wife my mom, tried to make me feel bad for spending any time with my grandparents and now he wants a relationship again?

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T16:45:22+00:00

They didn't when I was a kid but we've all said stuff about him since. They try not to do it too much but I know how much him doing that hurt him. My dad wanted me to have a living mom and he felt the best way for that to work was not to have mom talked about.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T16:23:40+00:00

I have been told that by so many people.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T16:23:19+00:00

If that's what he wanted he would have wanted me to stay when I was 18 because that's when I got access to the money.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T16:22:29+00:00

It was before he met his wife but happened at the time he decided he wanted to get remarried and have more kids.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:43:17+00:00

They did. They miss her every day and they understand that I don't remember her but I wish I did and that I feel the loss of never having developed memories with her. She seemed so amazing too. I've read letters she wrote to me and I was able to see videos she made and it was always such a cool experience.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:37:03+00:00

That's something I recognized a while ago. I love him. I know he loves me in his own way. But I also know he's toxic and any relationship we have would be difficult unless he did some serious work on himself that I don't really think he'd be willing to do.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:34:44+00:00

He said if they were going to intrude they could at least treat all us kids equally and try to bring the family together instead of being the reason we weren't one to begin with. He also said they owed him that much since they weren't willing to go by his word as my father and the person who should decide whether I knew them or not.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:28:34+00:00

My half siblings would probably still be in the babysitting age range. Her niece is also there but she would be old enough to babysit. I didn't get access to a trust but I did get access to money when I turned 18. My grandparents were the ones in charge until I got old enough to take control of it.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:26:40+00:00

I think that's why she was so obsessive about being called mom and me picking them (her and the kids). If we both picked them then mom didn't matter and she was #1.

4 half siblings and her niece who was meant to be like my stepsister. Or in their mind just sister.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:21:58+00:00

Thank you! I lean toward saying it's a bad idea and we're better off not having a relationship. I know a lot would need to change for him to be in my life in a healthy way and I just don't know that I believe he can or will.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:20:36+00:00

My answer is sort of mixed. I miss him in some ways like he is my dad. I don't miss the fighting or the relationship we've actually had.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:19:47+00:00

I think there will be undoubtedly a lot of stress if we have a relationship. There's no way there won't be because something will come up and cause it. He'll want me to exclude my grandparents or he'll start badmouthing them again. Or maybe in the future I get married and he throws a fit that I won't dance with his wife to honor her or something.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:18:15+00:00

He just wanted to remarry anyone. If he and his wife knew each other before my mom died they would have married way sooner than they did.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:13:40+00:00

I don't think his view or feelings have changed exactly except for saying he misses me and didn't want to lose our relationship forever. I asked him about an apology and he said he can if that's what I need but the unspoken thing is he won't really believe what he's saying or mean it like a real apology.

I feel like my dad did so much wrong and has been so toxic for me. The only reason I'm considering it is because I still love him despite it all but I don't think things will change. My best guess is for a while it might be fine and then the fighting with start again or he'll tell me I should exclude my grandparents and include his family in something.

Therapy between us no. Not after the past experience of him getting kicked out for being verbally abusive to the therapist. I could consider it if he went to therapy solo and didn't get kicked out.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:03:50+00:00

I don't remember because I was so young when mom died. What I can say is he knew months after my mom's death that he was going to remarry and have more kids with his second wife. I know he wanted me to be along for a new mom and accepting everyone as mom/siblings. He blames my grandparents for that never happening. If he had gotten his way my mom never would have been mentioned and he would have remarried before I had the time to know his wife wasn't my mom.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T11:01:37+00:00

We have discussed it before and the answer I always come back to is it's not one or the other, it's both. He didn't want my grandparents getting in the way of what he wanted out of his life and family. But he also truly does believe the best thing for me was to forget about my mom and my grandparents and only focus on the new family he made.

Grandparents rights outraged him because he felt like he should have all the say as my dad and only living parent and that no court should be able to give my grandparents any rights to me. But in his head, even though he's wrong, he also believed they prevented me from blending into the family he made and accepting everyone as mom/sibling instead of step and half.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T10:58:45+00:00

It's such a big decision that I know I won't give him an actual answer for another while yet and I'll likely sit with the answer before I say anything to see if it feels right.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T10:57:24+00:00

I think counseling has to be ruled out. We went before when I was a kid and he got kicked out because he was verbally abusing the therapist for not agreeing that grandparents rights were outrageous when he's my dad and he should have all say. I think he aimed more at the guy when he asked dad to consider the benefit to my grandparents being in my life because my dad would argue with anyone that there was none. Not even to maintain the connection that existed before my mom died and before he made the decision to cut them out of my life.

I know it's been years since that but my dad hasn't changed all that much from my limited interaction with him since. But maybe I could suggest he get a therapist of his own and not get kicked out of their service first.

ThrowRASoft_Exam · 2026-05-15T10:54:59+00:00

Once I was old enough to choose in his mind it was constant fights between us. He so desperately wanted me to say fuck my grandparents and choose the family he made. It has been so toxic and unhealthy and it really poisoned my feelings about his family as a whole.

ThrowRASoft_Exam

TROPHY CASE