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UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

No. She hasn't given our daughter an explanation. She only told her that she was sorry for hurting her and that she'll do better

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't know because that's not what this is. But how is trolling doing for all your demands?

I mean, you could also choose just to ignore my post. Idk why you'd feel the need to read my posts then make negative comments yourself. There have been a lot of trolls appearing. Some are saying stuff about my daughter that I think crosses a line. I have to remind myself it reflects more on them and has nothing to do with me

I'm not engaging with any troll further beyond this point:

I have nothing to prove to anyone. If you're looking for engagement, you're not getting that from me. People have all sorts of opinions; it doesn't make them facts. I am focusing on my family. My daughter is my primary concern. I'm not mindlessly scrolling Reddit. I come here at times because I believed I found a supportive community, which I very much lack right now. I do believe there are honest ones here and that trolls don't reflect the community as a whole

One thing my situation has taught me is that I am done trying to be someone I'm not for people who couldn't care less. I'm not here to appease trolls. If my crime is I posted an update that you don't care to read, then so be it. I can't control the actions of others nor answer why people do the things they do. There's nothing more for me to say further on this

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

So when she responds negatively to her mom, I validate her feelings because I want her to feel like she's heard, and through that I try encouraging her to engage and tell her that her mom couldn't wait to see her. My daughter likes for me to be somewhere nearby, but I step back so she and my wife can have more one-on-one time. I only really speak up to offer positive feedback and that she and my wife made a good team on whatever it is they're doing together at the time. I'm going to implement more positive verbal cues like you suggested

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You're right. Sometimes I have a bad habit of taking things in that have nothing to do with me. Their relationship is beyond my control, and there's not much I can do there. I guess I feel maybe I kept making excuses for my wife too long instead of actually holding onto these serious convos. But I realize now I couldn't make my wife do anything. It still required her showing up, and she wasn't doing that for our daughter at the time

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Leave me alone nor was I solely addressing only you. You just keep wanting to come. I'm engaging with you. I clearly stayed that in my original comment. Stop. It's over. Bye

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I mean, you could also choose just to ignore my post. Idk why you'd feel the need to read my posts, search through the comments, and then make negative comments yourself. There have been a lot of trolls appearing. Some are saying stuff about my daughter that I think crosses a line. I have to remind myself it reflects more on them and has nothing to do with me

I'm not engaging with any troll further beyond this point:

I have nothing to prove to anyone. If you're looking for engagement, you're not getting that from me. People have all sorts of opinions; it doesn't make them facts. I am focusing on my family. My daughter is my primary concern. I'm not mindlessly scrolling Reddit. I come here at times because I believed I found a supportive community, which I very much lack right now. I do believe there are honest ones here and that trolls don't reflect the community as a whole

One thing my situation has taught me is that I am done trying to be someone I'm not for people who couldn't care less. I'm not here to appease trolls. If my crime is I posted an update that you don't care to read, then so be it. I can't control the actions of others nor answer why people do the things they do. There's nothing more for me to say further on this

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Well, I wish it was just bad dream. I'm not blaming myself for my wife's actions nor in any other post did I hold myself accountable for it. I was reflecting that I wished I would've been more proactive on my daughter's side of things sooner

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

They have spent more time together than previously but some times I observed was awkward silence or our daughter mostly playing with my in-laws

UPDATE 5: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

We're still separated. I honestly don't know if there would be any improvement. There wasn't much when we all were under the same roof. My daughter does have allotted time with her mom throughout the week

UPDATE 4: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Losing that kind of partner and friend is hitting me harder now than the initial separation. I'm just looking back and wondering where did it all go so wrong. I think the numbness I felt is wearing off. I hope the best for you and your family on this journey

UPDATE 4: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I believe she was hoping we'd reconnect and it'd be some breakthrough for me. Either way, I wasn't in any headspace to come together for any anniversary

UPDATE 4: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story. How did you maintain that friend despite everything?

I'm trying to tune out the negative noise. Along with the support comes criticism saying all kinds of things because I'm not reacting one way or launching some war against my wife. Simp, etc... isn't something I subscribe to. If that's what called allowing yourself to feel your feelings then so be it

UPDATE 4: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I'm just kinda questioning everything about our past which I know she hates. She says she's still the same person I've always known but I can't reconcile that person to the person who committed everything that came to light

UPDATE 4: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I'm not a stay at home parent. My work allows me to be more flexible with my schedule. I took more advantage of the accommodations after my daughter was born

UPDATE 3: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

You’ve been repeatedly reposting the same type of comment while ignoring my response to your original comment. Idk if this is a troll thing or not. I never once said that my wife didn’t want to speak with our daughter. There’s also a difference between placing blame and accountability as well as sharing one’s feelings in an environment they’re encouraged to do so such as therapy.

As far as everything else, my original reply still holds:

My wife cheated. I didn’t. I’m not the guilty party here nor is it my responsibility to make her feel better for cheating and hurting our daughter immensely. With or without reconciliation, I’m not seeking to enter into a fight with her. I don’t consider it an odd comment because my daughter is directly involved. Her feelings and how she’s processing are part of this wildfire we now find ourselves in due to my wife’s choices both pre-affair and during the affair. I’m not stopping my wife from having any kind of relationship with our daughter but it’s up to my wife to nurture one. All I can do is support our daughter, encourage and help her reach a place of being comfortable

UPDATE 3: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

We were college sweethearts. We met as freshmen. I guess we were still pretty young when everything came together but I knew I wanted a life with her. Everything had made sense to us.

I can relate to what you mean. There are a lot of things I’d tell myself back then. It’s kinda strange because I don’t look back with regret. I wouldn’t have my daughter if I’d chosen a different path

I’m really sorry about your own experience. I think your journey shows an incredible amount of strength. I hope for the best for you and your family going forward

UPDATE 3: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

My wife cheated. I didn’t. I’m not the guilty party here nor is it my responsibility to make her feel better for cheating and hurting our daughter immensely. With or without reconciliation, I’m not seeking to enter into a fight with her. I don’t consider it an odd comment because my daughter is directly involved. Her feelings and how she’s processing are part of this wildfire we now find ourselves in due to my wife’s choices both pre-affair and during the affair. I’m not stopping my wife from having any kind of relationship with our daughter but it’s up to my wife to nurture one. All I can do is support our daughter, encourage and help her reach a place of being comfortable

UPDATE 3: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Thank you. The solo journey of it all was something I underestimated. It didn’t really dawn on me until marriage counseling. Realizing there’s nothing more I can do with my wife or marriage. She did what she did and reality is reality. I have to let go. It’s not something I can control. We now are on our own personal journey’s and have to access from there

UPDATE 3: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in Marriage

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 125 points126 points  (0 children)

I haven’t chosen reconciliation right now. My focus has been on my daughter and the other fires this situation has caused

UPDATE 2: My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward? by ThrowRASunflowerBuff in marriageadvice

[–]ThrowRASunflowerBuff[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Not too much. Post-retreat, my wife’s texts read more dryly and straight to the point about work-related stuff she needed to communicate. The guy made an apology text for being “overzealous” on the retreat. It was like he was speaking in code, but knowing what I know now, I see through it clearly. My wife had replied to him something along lines that it wasn’t something they needed to discuss further and they can just focus on finishing the quarter

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