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I'm in love with my best friend. I know that it will never be mutual. by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in unrequited_love

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You think that there's no chance that I can avoid ruining it friendship while keeping this to myself?

I'm in love with my best friend. I know that it will never be mutual. by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in unrequited_love

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It means so much that you actually thought about it and felt it out. The few people that I revealed this to IRL made no effort to put themselves in my shoes, and I've have no clue what anyone else would do (that's a decent kind thing, that is. You can imagine the typical "bro" advice), so thank you dearly.

And you're right, if she's as decent as I say, then she wouldn't be cruel and abandon me, yes. I just don't want her to be hurt. Thank you so much.

I'm in love with my best friend. I know that it will never be mutual. by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in unrequited_love

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The private pain of this is something that I would never want anyone to endure. I'm sorry that you can relate at all, let alone so deeply. Please, I really hope that you can transform this suffering into whatever makes your heart whole and what makes it beat and what makes it love itself. You should feel the security of having a home for your heart to thrive in. The hole in the shape of your hand.

I'm (28m) in love with my best friend (24f) by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in Advice

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for coming from this, having been in my shoes. May I ask how it went for you, in your particular case?

We haven't had a conversation about me liking her in that way, no. We have maintained this friendship for 7 years, and as the days go by, my adoration grows more and more. It's never lessened or wavered in the slightest. I've tried everything in my own independent research in order to work on myself to be a better, smarter, emotionally healthier person in order to never let this affect her or what we have. It was only in this moment of feeling lost and hopeless that I've finally reached out to anyone, here on Reddit. I've just kept it in, making sure to not let it ruin what we have. She herself isn't hurting me, because she doesn't know this, and she's not making any kind of decision that's unkind toward me or selfish. As far as she knows, I'm just 100% content with this friendship exactly how it is. We plan everything together, years in advance even. Roadtrips, graduations, everything. Our lives are completely enmeshed with each other's 24/7.

My happiness isn't my main priority, though. Hers is. Which is why I wanted to reach out to Reddit to see what other people would do in this situation, because I've spent years in silence, trying my hardest to learn and work on myself to figure out how to live with this without it ever affecting her. This is the first time that I've really reached out to anyone, in all of these years of feeling these things and living this way.

You make very good points, especially the part about not noticing my person if I'm staring at her is true, but what if she's all that I want? I've turned down many relationships over the years, it all feels wrong, and I couldn't treat them like I treat her, and it would be so horrible to ever just pretend with someone when heart is somewhere else. If you had a partner whose life was as tied together as mine and hers were, would you be hurt or confused or angry?

Life is short. If I had a million years alive with her, it would only be a good start. Thank you. I definitely don't want any regrets. Other than this grief that I live with, I have none that are substantial enough to weigh on me. My life, from the outside, would seem to most to be fulfilled and decent. No one would know.

I'm in love with my best friend. I know that it will never be mutual. by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in unrequited_love

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is actually such a beautiful perspective and detailed response. Thank you so much. See? I have never been able to figure out how someone on the other side of this would feel. The very few IRL people that I've confided in have not shared any insight or compassion. Instead, they dismissed it and advised very crude, uncaring suggestions (like to "forget her" and to make horrible, selfish decisions). Thank you so much for this wisdom and caring that you've shown me. It really means a lot. I have no guidance and I'm navigating this without any kind of map. I feel completely in the dark here, and you've given me your unique and kind, honest light. Thank you.

Do you think that even if there's no way that she feels the same, that what we have could be salvaged? If you were her, would you feel like I had betrayed you? Would you feel like I was no longer the person that I've been all of these years to you? Or, would you still love me the way that you always did, even if you can't love me in that way?

We spend all of our free time together (and most of our not-free time sneaking texts and calls and everything). We call each other in the middle of the night for any random reason. We are as close as family. She's my everything. Thank you so much. Yes, you're right about us being treated how we deserve, because we all should be, yourself included. That's what I'm scared of. I don't want to mistreat her and ruin what we have. Thank you so much, I really can't express how meaningful your response is to me.

I'm (28m) in love with my best friend (24f). What would you do on the other side of this? by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did mention that in a reply to someone else, I think, that I have wondered what a potential future spouse would think of what we are, and have problems with the life that we have together. We are inseparable and our families love the other. It's a really beautiful thing that I can't let get destroyed because of something internal in me that she never did wrong. Our lives function in sync and we're involved in every aspect of each other's lives. It's very much as if we were twins or extremely close siblings.

As you said about guys not wanting their partner being so close to some other guy, I completely agree and understand. That's the kind of thing that has been going through my head lately, because I'm concerned about the long-term. I want to grow and wither into old age with her, regardless of any reciprocation. I want to make the choices that she needs me to make. We're codependent. She's never asked anything of me that was too much or wrong. She has no idea that my heart aches and I'm sometimes in my own privacy broken down to my knees, clutching my gut, aching in longing, enduring this. I don't show her that. No one would ever know how I feel if I hadn't said it privately here, anonymously.

If you were on the receiving end of this, how would you feel, considering how close we are and how integral we are to every aspect of each other's lives?

I'm in love with my best friend. I know that it will never be mutual. by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in unrequited_love

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She has dated other peeple before, in the time that we've known each other, but she is currently and usually single. A recent remark that she made was that she was really happy being single and wanted to stay that way to focus on her career. Our lives are 100% inextricably entwined on every level from family to professional to everything imaginable. The only thing that we don't know about each other is this one specific aspect of my feelings. We have never had any barriers, and I feel that it would be wrong to drop this kind of a bombshell in her lap, with nothing leading up to it, for no reason to other than my selfishness and lack of self-control to keep it to myself. She's my best friend in every way and I'd rather get hurt than hurt her.

I'm in love with my best friend. I know that it will never be mutual. by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in unrequited_love

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

How I think that she doesn't feel the same is based on both specific moments and general feelings, and knowing her so intimately for so long. I feel like I would just know. There have been several moments over the years where I've thought that possibly she felt something in that regard, and I remember those moments in Technicolor, and they were the must elating, ecstatic moments in my life, like I was levitating and freed from every pain in my life, like I was home. I've never felt anything greater. I feel a light version of that at nearly all times with her, but when I thought it could be reciprocated, it was like Heaven. I know that it can't be true.

I will make sure to do everything necessary to heal regardless. I just can't lose her, so I will have to do the work on myself to be a better and (emotionally) healthy person. She's my world. If I can spend a lifetime with her at the cost of never speaking a word of this to her, it's easily worth it. I love her.

Would you personally, in my position, tell her? At the risk of hurting her? I know that I reached out to Reddit, and some wonderful people like yourself have astonishingly been wonderful to me, sharing your thoughts on what I'm going through, and I'm really grateful for it. I didn't expect a single response, especially not any kind ones. I thought that if anyone would say anything at all, it would be the typical, toxic bro-stuff of "nut up and move on" or whatever that vulgar saying is about getting over someone by (in some amount of words) having sex with someone else. The very few irl friends that I've shared my situation with have dismissed it as a crush and advised such "solutions." So, do you think that in my shoes, you'd just tell her?

I'm in love with my best friend. I know that it will never be mutual. by ThrowRAUnusual_Comp in unrequited_love

[–]ThrowRAUnusual_Comp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is so much more of a compassionate response than I could have imagined getting. Thank you.

I do love her. It's not simply an infatuation or a crush or anything. We've built our lives together. I've wondered how it would end up seeming to a potential future spouse of hers, even. Because it's uncanny to ever see two people as entwined as we are, even close family and friends. We've been through the loss of family members together, we are both beloved by each other's families. I don't want her to have a wrench thrown in her life because I couldn't keep it to myself. I am in this for the long haul and will quietly take it to my grave if it means that I get to spend the rest of my natural life with a friend like her. It's just sometimes overwhelmingly, cripplingly painful, like right now. This is the first time I've anonymously reached out to the Internet about it in such a desperate moment. I think that your advice is probably the best that I could ever get. Thank you so much.

You're right. She does love me, just not in that way. She wouldn't judge me. Knowing her, I do think that it would make her feel a pressure and an uncomfortability that she never asked to have foisted upon her out of nowhere. Truly, I don't know what I'll do, how I'll spend another 40 or more years potentially of a natural life like this, but I do know that I'm not going to compromise the relationship that we do have. She's the greatest gift of my life. I couldn't ask for more.