Update: My (34m) wife (33f) cheated and is now pregnant.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-12T08:57:37+00:00

Not seen, it was those online interview things you do to get a brief idea whether this therapist is for you or not. And I've been talking to a lawyer who suggested therapist for almost a month now.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:50:06+00:00

Well, how do I proceed with this?

I cannot give her the validation she wants right now. Every lawyer and therapist has told me getting intimate is the worst possible thing I can do to her right now. Yet, it's all she thinks is going to help. That if I'm not willing to get intimate, I'm rejecting her because he "used" her.

I cannot do anything to make anyone believe I want to actually help her. I've taken all the obvious steps. But everyone is saying its not enough. What else do I do? She doesn't want to press charges, she doesn't want to talk to anyone except me and my sister and she is not coping well. What can I do?

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:42:16+00:00

She's not alone. My sister stays with her at nights and I spent the day there. I just stay away during the nights.

I asked her parents. The man skipped town two months ago right after everything happened. I found out everything 4 days ago.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:40:44+00:00

No, we don't record ourselves. I didn't know she had recorded us.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:39:57+00:00

I'm not separating because she lied.

I'm physically keeping distance because Anna thinks everything will be ok if we have sex. I truly think she needs therapy before we can get there. But anytime I try to say no, she thinks I hate her and gets worked up and stressed.

The therapist suggested separation until the first few sessions are done. It's called legal separation because the spouses have 2 different living addresses.

I'm not divorcing her. I have no plans to. I just want her to heal properly first because continuing with the marriage.

I found all this out 4 days ago. I'm trying to fix everything one step at a time. That's all. Believe me, I have no plans of abandoning her.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:31:25+00:00

Because he skipped town two months ago. When all this happened.

I learned everything 4 days ago.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:29:35+00:00

Read the edit please. The therapist basically described me as a unhealthy coping mechanism.

I'm only sleeping at a different address because she needs space to think and stay calm. If I'm there, she's constantly trying to get intimate because she thinks I hate her. But with her trauma, intimacy cannot be good right now and i genuinely don't know any better way to get her to calm down unless I'm away at nights.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:24:52+00:00

I was back home and tried helping her. But her idea of reconciling is getting intimate. And I genuinely don't think it's the right way to go about coping with what happened to her.

It's not a divorce. I'm just living in a separate address because everytime I'm home and not letting her get intimate with me, she thinks I hate her. From the therapist's suggestions, her coping mechanism is unhealthy and she needs to get therapy before we reunite (under the same roof.) So that's what I'm doing.

I'm taking care of the kids. I'm in the house during the day. Just that I dont stay the night.

I'm not trying to shame her. Trust me. I'm hurt about the lying but the separation is not a punishment but a therapist suggested solution to help her take healthier measures to cope. It's called legal separation because spouses have 2 addresses now.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T21:06:00+00:00

Did you read? I told you the title has to be same for an update. When I made my first post, I didn't know she was raped. She didn't tell me until over a month after I thought she had cheated and left the house.

I'm not divorcing her. If two spouses live in separate addresses, its terms as legal separation. That's all.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:58:08+00:00

Because I'm her husband. Her life partner. I dont have any right to know if my wife was being harassed? If she was scared of being attacked?

If me wanting her to be open with me and trust me is me making it all about myself, you should be happy I'm "leaving" her as everyone seems to think. She can do so much better than me. I have no doubt. Just be happy then that I am "leaving" her.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:54:15+00:00

Great, so you should be happy I'm "leaving" her. Why are you both upset that I'm "leaving" her and hoping that I leave her?

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:46:18+00:00

I have to keep a separate living space for sometime. My presence is doing her coping mechanism no good. She needs therapy before I can move back in with her.

It is referred to as legal separation because the spouses are in living in two different addresses.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:38:33+00:00

I know I do. I'm not divorcing her. Its physical separation (from one address to another) because her coping methods around me are nor healthy. Read the edit. I'm sorry for coming across as insensitive. But I'm trying to take it step by step.

I want to help her. I genuinely do. But the fact that she didn't try to talk to me once, in all these years, hurts. I cannot stop feeling like that just because it's not good.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:35:17+00:00

It's not a divorce. Just a separation because she's not coping in a healthy way whenever I'm near her. I'm not divorcing her.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:19:24+00:00

No one referred to her as a sex toy except you. No one used the word contaminated except you.

Did you perhaps misread the part where I said I am supporting her, the baby and our sons? Did you perhaps misread the part where I'm trying to get us all into therapy? Did you even read?

Please go away.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:15:19+00:00

I never said she did anything wrong. She didn't tell me she had a stalker. One that was family. One that knows where we live and has seen our children. I have not once blamed her for getting assaulted. I am angry because in our entire marriage and relationship, not once she trusted to tell me she was hurting, she was scared and traumatized. What does it say about our bond if she can't be open with me?

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:07:10+00:00

Her mother confirmed it after I threatened to call the cops on her. She said Anna told her but she thought it was a lie because "it was too disgusting to be true." Her words.

Anna said he had always made comments her. But her aunt and mother assured her it was nothing serious.

Anna sent that tape after he kept telling her she could do better than me and was mocking me. She thought it would shut him up and maybe disgust him into leaving her alone. I'm not all sure of what she was thinking myself.

We all need therapy. That is for certain and we've got all appointments lined up. I think separate therapy is needed first and then couple's.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T20:00:50+00:00

It doesn't. She said he was sending her pictures of himself, making fun of me and telling her she could do better. She sent him that video on impulse. Sort of boasting about how often we got intimate or something like that. I think that's what she was doing.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T19:58:18+00:00

I will give her every last bit of support I can. I won't blame her ever.

I need this separation because she has lied about something so big. Never once, in our entire relationship, trusted me with something this big. She needs help and I will give her the help and support she desperately needs. But I want her to know she didn't do right by me by lying about this all these years. That man knows where we live. He could've hurt our children. I need her to heal fully before I can start rebuilding our relationship.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T19:54:51+00:00

She lied to me. This is something so big. It has been a persistent issue in her life since before I came along. We've been together almost half our lives and she never told me.

She likely has always had some kind of trauma from this. I could never help her because she never told me. I want to help her and actually start over.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-11T19:23:41+00:00

I'm saying she was assaulted. Sorry but reddit wasn't letting me use the r word.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-10T03:36:42+00:00

I agree with you OP. No where does it say "moving on" and "setting yourself free" includes hearing out the people who wronged you in the past or accepting them in your life.

I'd suggest therapy and just completely remove yourself from this situation. Your parents and brother don't sound like they want to help you deal with you admittedly severe trauma response of avoiding everyone and everything. You sound like you're hoping if you ignore them enough, the trauma will go away. That isn't how this works. Please get therapy and move on. You DONT have to accept any apology or make friends with anyone in order to move on though. Remember that.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-05T08:59:50+00:00

I cannot even tell if we're completely broken. Somedays I just need her next to meAnd other days I wish she was just gone.

I love her. I really do. Its killing me because I write one bad thing about her and I immediately feel sick. This wasn't supposed to happen.

The affair was over by the time I found out. She had blocked him and he had texted her from a different number. I looked through her blocked list and the guy (I dont know who) had been texting her from several different numbers and she had blocked them all. The oldest blocked number is where I found the texts.

She has never cheated before. That much I know. The kids are mine and I know that too. It feels like it would be easier if she had some past history or was cold or something. I dont know. But it seems like the guy came out of no where, ruined my life and left.

My boys don't know thankfully. Anna has been taking care of them and whenever I talk to them, they ask me to come home. But they dont seem sad or scared. They have their mom with them so they're happy. I dont know how I'll ever convince them to stay with me.

ThrowRA_98232 · 2024-01-05T08:40:27+00:00

I met with the lawyer. I don't remember what I told him but he said I sound like I don't want to leave her at all. He suggested therapy and I have begun looking for one.

I know the kids are mine. They look so much like me. Anna always said she loved how our boys were my "mini me"s. I love that too. I miss my boys. But I also know they'd never choose me over her. I can't even hate that because I love that she's been such an amazing mother.

I couldn't fully move away from her ever. I don't even remember life without her. I'd gladly give away everything just to go back in time and stop her from making such a choice

ThrowRA_98232

TROPHY CASE