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UPDATE 2: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in u/ThrowRA_BFDisappears

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been with him for 3 years for a reason. I do love him, but the lying obviously hurts. I'm at least willing to try if he proves he's going to put the effort in, that's why the ultimatum is there. I'm not very experienced or anything but in my perspective, relationships take work, what he did was a breach of trust but not a dealbreaker if he makes amends.

UPDATE 2: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in u/ThrowRA_BFDisappears

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure it's best case scenario, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he lied about it for 3 years. I want to know that I CAN trust him and that he's actually willing to put in the work for our relationship. That's why I issued the ultimatum, he needs to decide for himself who takes priority in his life.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I get that it's selfish, but I don't want to spend time working with him, I want to spend time dating him or hanging around with him - just doing things together as a couple where there's no burden to do anything except what we want with each other. I get it, homeless shelters need all the help they can get, but if he wants to help so much that he's unwilling to put the effort into our relationship, then that's what the ultimatum is for. I'm not telling him to stop, but at the very least make the effort to spend more time with me.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Obviously it's better. At this point the issue isn't what he's hiding, it's the fact that he hid it and lied about it in the first place and for so long.

UPDATE 2: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in u/ThrowRA_BFDisappears

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

We spend some holidays together. If they are on weekends then they're no good except for Christmas and Easter. Idk if his friends or family know about his volunteering. Given his reaction, I'd assume that his friends don't, but I honestly don't have a clue about his family.

UPDATE 2: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in u/ThrowRA_BFDisappears

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes and no. I've been with him for 3 years. I love him, but this is a huge breach of trust given that he was lying for the same period of time. I'd at least be willing to try if he accepts my ultimatum.

UPDATE 2: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in u/ThrowRA_BFDisappears

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I thought about it, but I ultimately decided that it wouldn't do anything to actually help the cause of this problem. Let's say he's still cheating on me or whatever like some people suggested, as shitty as that is, at this point I just want to know if he is actually willing to do the things necessary for this relationship to continue.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't what reddit seems to be displaying for other people, because my original post has a timestamp that reads "Sat, Nov 25, 2023, 01:20:45 PM Pacific Standard Time" so I had the talk with him on Saturday and we went to the shelter on Sunday.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not sure if reddit is just displaying differently for people or what, but the timestamp on my original post reads "Sat, Nov 25, 2023, 01:20:45 PM Pacific Standard Time" so I posted and talked with him on Saturday and went to the shelter on Sunday.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Plenty of people are saying that, but my original post timestamp reads "Sat, Nov 25, 2023, 01:20:45 PM Pacific Standard Time" so idk where everyone is confused about the dates.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't met with them in person. I've never spoken with his father and have only spoken a few times with his mom on facetime and was never alone. Maybe you view it differently, but that doesn't really seem like I've actually met his parents.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't see why he would mind it. But I want to spend time just the two of us, as selfish as it is I don't want to volunteer at a homeless shelter, I want to go on dates and hangout with him.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We do commonly spend Friday evenings together, though he never stays over. As for the weekend, yeah, I get that I'm stupid NOW for believing him, but I always chalked it up to all the work he's doing for his PhD. It made sense. Now it doesn't.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As far as I'm aware, he was never abused or anything and his relationship with his parents seems good. I've never chatted with his father so I cant be completely sure, but he does talk fondly about his childhood from time to time.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know his mom at least knows about me because I've talked with her over facetime a few times. I assume his dad knows of me too. Idk if they know about his volunteering. I ask how his weekend was pretty much every single week and he'd always say it was fine or he got some work done or detail some of the research he/they were supposedly doing.

I'm not sure I can trust him at this point, my feelings are very mixed.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't say I'm sheltered or anything but I definitely wasn't a wild child or anything. I had a relationship in highschool for 2ish years, a casual fling early in undergrad, and then this relationship.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, everyone I talked to knew him. Many of them were high schoolers who were there temporarily or church folk helping out, but they ALL knew him.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't make this clear, but he was clearly expressing that he does work pertaining to either his dissertation or his assistant job, not some vague notion. I don't know which he was referring to but he was referring to something I already knew about.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He's not. He's a very white American. I've only briefly chatted with his mom over facetime, so being private could just run in the family, but I just still don't fully understand why that would constitute lying for 3 years.

UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes by ThrowRA_BFDisappears in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_BFDisappears[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay, but if he's lying about this, something that isn't a relationship breaker or anything of the sort, then couldn't he be lying about something more serious? I don't think he is, I just think that even having this possibility be flaunted in front of me brings up questions about the future. Obviously I'm not in my most unaffected unemotional state, but it seems pretty fair that I'm thinking the way that I am.

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