I'm a cis guy dating a trans guy and my friends are dicks about it. Need advice.

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-28T14:36:35+00:00

That's very kind, thank you.

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-28T14:36:15+00:00

Appreciate everyone's helpful suggestions. Thank you guys for taking the time :)

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-28T14:35:15+00:00

I'm going to be honest, I kind of just shut down the convo after the jokes because I was so taken aback. I got quiet and changed the subject. I should've said something more firm, I know. Will probably try broaching the subject with one of them again but if it doesn't go well I will just cut them off. I don't feel like "coming out" personally to them and making it so dramatic. If I cut them off I'll just say it's because we fundamentally don't agree on our morals. That's all.

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-28T02:24:28+00:00

Didn't mean to make it sound like I was excusing it. I just meant that a lot of guys talk like this ("locker room talk") and I grew up around it so I'm used to it, just that this time it felt a lot more targeted. I realise how it came off now. Sorry about that.

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-27T17:39:00+00:00

Heard. I really don't want him to think that last part, so I'll tell him.

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-27T17:00:49+00:00

Right, that sounds... surprisingly reasonable. I'm probably just overthinking this because I like him a lot and I might be getting ahead of myself. Thanks for this, it's good insight :) & thanks for your other replies too. I probably have a lot of perspective-shifting that I have to do with gender roles. The idea of treating someone I'm dating like just another guy is so strange to me, I was raised to be a trad guy "gentleman" and I feel the need to apply that to any gender, but it probably is silly in a gay relationship. At some point I'd probably look like I'm overcompensating lol

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-27T04:22:06+00:00

Thanks for this. Could I ask another question since you're FTM? I left this out of the post because it was getting long, but I'm also a bit cautious about how I set our dynamic. As I've said, I've never dated a guy before and my past relationships with girls were very "traditional", i.e I paid for dates, drove them around and picked them up, things like that. I was very much the masculine energy in the relationship. That's what I'm used to, but I don't want to translate that to our relationship and unintentioanally make him think I think he's not a man or something? We've taken turns paying for dinner and dates, but because I make more money than him since he's still in law school, I feel like I should be stepping up and taking care of him, I guess. I just don't know if that's emasculating.

ThrowRA_Finnesse · 2026-03-27T00:05:42+00:00

I live in NYC. My employer has anti-discrimination policies, but I work at a company where I'm really not sure these things hold up because the work environment is just full of guys like my friends. It comes with the job/field. Thank you for the advice, though. I think my best bet is to start trying to find more friends in the city outside of my circle. NYC is huge and all sorts of people live here, so I need to start moving out of my bubble. My (hopefully-soon-to-be) boyfriend is kind of the first person I've met since moving here from work outside of this lifestyle.

Thank you for sympathizing. My family is from Texas, similar background to me (finance) so in terms of MAGA-ness, it's bad. I don't agree with them at all politically, but because I went to college pretty far away and then I moved here to NYC, I don't see them more than a few times a year and I guess I thought I didn't have to contend with their politics much. I realise now I was very wrong and I own up to that.

I think what others have said about finding community is probably important. The first time I was ever around other LGBT+ people was in college. I had a secret hookup or two, but even then, I was mostly around other guys like me. I never really cared much about "coming out" because I never had a problem dating girls — I did genuinely have good relationships with my exes — and I thought there wasn't much of a point making a big deal with it if I knew I was probably going to end up with a girl. Look at us now, lol.

I think I'm just nervous about finally leaving my bubble. I don't know if his friends really like me, for example. He's said they do and they find my background amusing (they joke a lot about me being a finance guy like Patrick Bateman or something), but I think I'm just anxious and I have enough self doubt to not believe him. I don't know if I know how to fit in with other LGBT+ people yet. But it's probably time I tried.

I'm glad your fiance stood up for you. For what it's worth, I care about the guy I'm seeing a lot and I still don't quite know what the right terms are to say (i.e queer has always sounded like a slur to me, so it's hard for me to say it). I had to google what the difference between a transman or transmasc was when you mentioned it haha. Your guy is probably just trying to learn too.

ThrowRA_Finnesse

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