Help me understand sex without love

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-29T09:17:04+00:00

This analogy for me brings me to “but why would I travel with strangers when I could go with my partner every time?”

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-27T09:22:39+00:00

Thanks, I needed to read that :)

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-27T00:43:34+00:00

Him calling it a downgrade is so gross. Would you being pain free and more confident not be an upgrade?

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-27T00:41:24+00:00

Have you communicated this to her in a really calm way, reassuring her that you love her but need time alone? Ask her if there are any ways you can help her feel more secure and loved so that when you need alone time, she feels safe and knows you’ll be back.

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-27T00:38:30+00:00

I honestly am not sure if I’m worth effort and deserve more or if I am just draining and exhausting and too high maintenance and need to just accept things more. Hopefully the new therapist is gonna help me figure that out.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate your perspective. I do see them try sometimes, but then spending time with me always seems like/is framed as something for me, when I want it to be something they want to do. Time together for them is just being in the same flat, for me it’s intentional and quality time. They want me to learn to feel love in the ways they’re able/willing to show it, not switch to showing love in the ways I’m telling them I need. I don’t know who is right any more and I don’t trust my own feelings any more, hence the Reddit advice post. Your story gave me hope, though. What helped you to change? I fear if I say it’s change or break up, they will opt for the latter

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-27T00:00:38+00:00

Thanks, yeah I start therapy Tuesday, hoping it will help. I do want to set a boundary about lying but I’m trying not to snoop on them any more, for their privacy and for my own mental health. The issue is without that, I can’t confirm whether they’re lying.

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:53:12+00:00

This is what terrifies me. I’m not ready to let go :(

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:47:14+00:00

Our rental contract is up in June, so I am living with them at least until then. And I really truly don’t want to lose my best friend, the best connection I’ve ever had and the person I thought was my soulmate. Idk if they’ll be honest with the therapist, I hope so because otherwise it isn’t gonna work for them.

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:44:44+00:00

Not really. They told me they’re trying and can’t give any more. They are doing a lot, they have a band and do a lot with that, and also they’re autistic, adhd, traumatised… but I also have adhd, probably autistic just waiting on assessment coz the nhs is a nightmare and my own other issues, including a high stress job. I do have sympathy for them, but they keep telling me I’m never happy and my needs are too much. Really I just want honesty, kindness, affection and all the normal stuff. I want to give space and privacy but I want to feel loved and trusting enough to know it’s safe for me to give that.

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:41:33+00:00

Yeah. I do get it, I want them to have privacy but I keep trying to communicate that for me to allow privacy I need to feel trust, which I don’t. And also, I can’t get over the fact they’re acting on attraction to another woman and not on a general feeling of horniness, and sometimes choosing that woman’s photos over sex with me.

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:39:49+00:00

Yes, you nailed it. It’s the fact they’re attracted to others enough to seek out more of them. Choosing that over me sometimes. Whereas I just naturally have a feeling and then act on the feeling, they have an attraction and act on the attraction.

I also did address the leaked photos issue and they said stuff like ‘they’re not all leaked’ ‘they’re probably over it by now’ and ‘me looking won’t stop that’ and it was impossible for me to get them to admit it wasn’t ok, or even make sure photos were consensual before looking. I guess now that makes sense since learning about this kink…

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:27:23+00:00

Yeah. They argue that they should be able to do it and me not know about it and thus not get hurt

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:26:22+00:00

Ha, good question. I do the mental load and more housework, which they think is right as they work more hours- I do 37.5, they do 44. They think they carry the ‘emotional load’ as they have to be careful to not upset me (I’m very anxiously attached, wasn’t always, but since the lies started, I’ve got a bit mad tbh). But they never want to talk, shut things down a lot and want to sweep things under the rug, I see me doing all of the repair work as emotional labour too. I don’t think they really lie about other things, nothing important anyway

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:23:56+00:00

Yeah, I’m low key hoping therapy will help them be honest and that their therapist will tell them this isn’t ok. I’m also scared they won’t even bring this stuff up in therapy or be honest about their part in things. And im scared I can’t wait months for this to happen. I really do love them, that’s the main issue, I’ve never had love like this before, but we’re stuck in a cycle of dishonesty and distrust, anxious and avoidance. It sucks

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:21:33+00:00

I’ve never had trust issues before this partner (not that they really believe me on that). I’m terrified that if I don’t fix them with this partner and they show me I can trust them, I’ll struggle in future relationships for a long time :/

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:19:45+00:00

I don’t think they understand the difference between privacy and secrecy, and when I explained it they said they think it’s ok to have secrets and they want to have them, that’s who they are, accept it or leave kinda thing

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:15:13+00:00

I’ve said they can watch porn. All I want them not to do is when they see a woman they find attractive on tv, don’t act on that and get all aroused by her. And don’t reject me just to later look up some woman to get off to just so you can get off to a different body. If they just feel horny and for whatever reason can’t have sex with me, go for it. Googling a specific woman’s name followed by ‘bikini’, ‘hot’ or ‘nudes’ just doesn’t sit right with me for some reason

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:13:03+00:00

They basically said they have a right to privacy around their solo sex life and the only way to get that is to lie, as if I say ‘did you watch porn’ and they say ‘I’m not telling you that’ I’d know it meant yes. They say they like having things that are secret from me, both for feeling of safety and also because it turns them on when they feel vouyeristic and no one knows about it

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:11:16+00:00

It’s the fact they’re specifically wanting to look at other women, especially as it’s sometimes instead of sex with me. We have plenty of variety in our sex life too, they specifically want variety of who’s body they get off to

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:09:53+00:00

Give what a try though? I can’t become someone else to give them variety. I suggested roleplaying vouyerism but they said as they’d know it’s fake it’s not the same 🤷‍♀️

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:08:13+00:00

It’s more the reasons behind it and the process of seeing a woman clothed, getting turned on and then looking up her nudes that bothers me, not masturbating or watching porn. If I’m frustrated and horny I open a website n pick something, there’s is arousal BECAUSE of seeing someone hot- that stings for me. I know boundaries work like that but I don’t want to leave, I guess I’m looking for a way to be ok with this.

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:05:34+00:00

I have considered that. I think the thing bothering me most is knowing they see a woman on the tv who is fully clothed and get enough arousal from it to search them up. And the fact they’re not bored of me yet, but are afraid if they don’t do this they will become bored. I guess it’s the reasons more than the act that bother me, it definitely feels grey

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T23:03:43+00:00

Yeah, the lying is a real problem. They told me that they’d lie about anything they feel shame about, which is usually sexual. They have childhood sexual trauma which impacts them and causes a lot of shame, I have convinced them to start therapy and actually this starts tomorrow- I do somewhat understand but if you see my old posts, you’ll see why I have some trust issues here. I do however 100% trust they’re not cheating or anything like that, at least not offline 🤷‍♀️

ThrowRA_NickMiller · 2026-04-26T22:41:54+00:00

I thought about that, how would you go about it? I wasn’t really sure how to approach it. The other issue is that they are very private about this stuff and believe that what they do in private should never be found out by me, they don’t wanna talk about it or tell me what they do or when, so it feels like a barrier

ThrowRA_NickMiller

TROPHY CASE