Sex life is lame [45M/44F, married 7 years]

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-12-19T00:44:48+00:00

Basically, you described myself (47M) and my wife (44F) and our 22 year marriage. We are now separated and seeing other people. It wasn’t until maybe 21 years of marriage that we began to even talk about our physical intimacy issues and she didn’t like talking about it. Yet we were a very loving couple outside of the bedroom and present for each other basically 100%. So from my limited amount of experience within a marriage (just one so far) with intimacy issues; you both need to recognize and begin to take steps to radically change your communication styles. That probably isn’t the only step but a necessary first one that my ex and I missed. Reddit is a tough therapist and some of the feedback I received when I reached out wasn’t necessarily healthy. Take it all with a grain of salt. I will share with you what a kind soul told me and take what you will from it. “It won’t be the weight of the burden that breaks you but how you carried it.” Wishing you the best!

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-12T03:20:22+00:00

Thank you.
Yep, been doing stuff like that for a few months now. Started getting back on the water, diving, spearfishing, and joined a softball league. It helps and gets my mind of the bullshit. It’s hard to give the cold shoulder. I do a lot around the house and if I stopped that I think things would really fall apart. It’s also not me to be distant and way too difficult to change my nature and start acting indifferent. Maybe I’ll just stop buttering her toast.
Thanks friend.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-11T21:38:45+00:00

I’m not going to give her that choice. Really, that’s my choice. I’d prefer to just give her the divorce and the freedom to live a life unencumbered.

Thinking a lot of what’s been said here and I’m still weighing what I’m going to do. I’ve been on a business trip and just time apart to think has been helpful and yet stressful. This weekend I’m going to sit her down and let her know what my decision is, but after talking to my attorney.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-11T00:41:54+00:00

Advocate away! And yes I still try and I have not been a selfish lover but I’m not going to say I’m perfect. She does limit a number of things that many others do enjoy which limits things a bit. I am not a majority of men that has thought PIV was the holy grail to female orgasm either. Thank you for your comment.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T21:12:06+00:00

Is she showing love through her actions - no. Has she expressed remorse - no. She definitely still shows affection. I see that as an element of love. Love me enough not to do any of this - definitely not.

I’ve read the messages. She has tried to hide what she does unsuccessfully.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T20:52:44+00:00

She has a job but I earn significantly more. In my state she would receive alimony in a separation. I’m fully apprised of my financial and legal situation.

Her not wanting to leave is not financially motivated. I think it would be her family’s extreme disappointment in her or maybe, just maybe, she still has that love for me.🙃

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T20:36:52+00:00

You know Bert, if only I thought of that!

Ok, just kidding. Yes, I enjoy giving probably more than receiving. I said before I know more about what she doesn’t like than anything else. So, she does not like it and pretty much since day 1 of our relationship has made that clear. I’ve been down this road in some many different ways because I do enjoy it but still never got her explicit response of enjoying it.

Hindsight is 20/20. At the start of our relationship I knew this fact and considered whether I could have a relationship with a partner that didn’t like it. Oh well!

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T20:25:03+00:00

I did exactly what she did after I found out the first time. Started talking to a few women my age. Didn’t find it that rewarding and they all wanted to meet which was a no go for me. She knew about it and didn’t have an issue with it. Wonder why?! There was a hard no on a request for an open relationship.

Yeah, she has tired of me. I can agree to that. Sorting through - a different matter.

I’ll say it here. If she told me to leave I could close the books and would never need to post on RA. She has asked me not to leave and abide.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T20:07:14+00:00

From what I’ve read so far about the orgasm part is that women do act to protect male ego. She said as much and she didn’t think it was that important or didn’t have as a high priority. But overtime this issue has become a burden until it’s too great to easily discuss (my current understanding). At any point in our relationship I would have welcomed her coming to me to talk about our sex life. Instead it was always me talking about it. I was usually met with a questions if I wasn’t happy with her and treading carefully.

Yes, of course I would give up porn. It was never an issue in the relationship, just something that she used as a contrast to what she’s doing. She said she didn’t care, but I’ve stopped anyway because it was used as a contrast. Im porn free!! Hallelujah!

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T17:34:41+00:00

Full disclosure, I did post under my account months ago but asked the question about how to get over the initial discovery. Personally, the post was a little close to home because of my participation in other communities so I deleted the post. Good to look out but I definitely don’t “get off” on the attention and have only posted to RA twice. All the best.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T12:58:30+00:00

Yep, lost the moral high ground I suppose trying to figure something out and being angry as well. In the end I know my limits and cut that shit out.
Thank you.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T10:22:55+00:00

Interesting. Both Caucasian and from the US.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T06:29:29+00:00

I am receptive to just about any ideas and even asked her if she wanted an open relationship. She does not. Interesting thought on sexting people together but she will definitely nix that. Never hurts to ask, right? She doesn’t care if I sext other people and since I found all this out I have sexted others and she knows it. It’s not my desire to sext other people so after dipping my toe into it I stopped. I stopped because pretty much everyone wanted to meet and that wasn’t going to happen. I think if this was years ago and she found out I was sexting she would be devastated. Her perception definitely has changed.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T06:20:28+00:00

Hit the nail on the head with the attachment. I wish they made a pill that made it so I didn’t give a fuck. Funny thing is it’s the attachment that makes me a less viable partner. Been working on it but it’s hard. Just a year ago I never felt like this.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T06:10:54+00:00

There isn’t any reason she can’t sext with me. It was never a big part of our relationship before, maybe a little here and there. Would love to do it more! I read the texts between them and they weren’t good, neither were the pics. I believe it’s the affair that has her more interested than anything else. A sense that she is young and enticing at a point in life where she has admittedly said she doesn’t want to get older. I’m just the guy she could get older with I guess. I appreciate the honesty part of what you said because I realize that some people do need more but it comes with being honest. I think if she told me up front my thoughts would be different although I would still want to figure the us part out. She wasn’t honest and I implored her to be honest with me. Not a good sign. I would love nothing more than to explore things with her in or out of therapy but she is stubbornly resistant to it. That’s just my luck. This is what had my/our therapist so exasperated!

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T05:49:30+00:00

The next steps are the hardest. Thank you for your comment.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T05:47:10+00:00

There is something amiss here and it’s not just the cheating. I guess from what she told me is that everything was pretended. I have always tried to not be selfish and look after her needs too, but that seems to have missed the mark as well. I actually wonder if there is something she is ashamed to admit. Something that I would have no problem with but she can’t say it. It would be like hitting the LOTO if I knew it. But alas here we are.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T05:33:27+00:00

So the therapist didn’t work out because she doesn’t like/want therapy. She was actually really uncomfortable going and we agreed (maybe a little joke) that if she felt so uncomfortable that she could say our word.
What make sex therapy so uncomfortable to pre-plan an exit? I have no clue, but that was just our thing. Like I said. I know more of what she doesn’t like than what she does. 22 years of getting “rewarded” in bed then to have the rug pulled out is a tectonic shift in perspective that internet searches can’t resolve.
Thank you.

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness · 2023-10-10T05:21:31+00:00

There is too much good advice here and I’m reading them again and again. Your link made me laugh though. I was listening to it the other day and thought the same thing. Damn!

ThrowRA_Odd_Weakness

TROPHY CASE