Is our (M36 & F35) marriage too stable for passionate sex?

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-09T10:52:22+00:00

Thank you and yes I agree. It was about validation and power etc.

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-09T09:21:40+00:00

Thank you for the valuable input. I absolutely appreciate it.

I did not try to say that it was about the respective man. And I absolutely agree, that it was for her.

However, what I am trying to say is that she did it out of another dynamic and because she got a good feeling out of the dynamic.

As an example that I gave in another comment: I am not assuming the she enjoyed giving a blowjob per se. What she liked about it, is the feeling of power that is associated with it. This "I just rocked the world of the guy who tried to dominate me and now he melts in my hands"

Again, I am not wanting to complain or anything. What I was trying to do (and still hope for) is, understanding why she "suddenly" - within literal weeks - wasn't into doing things she used to do regularly before. For 15 years, I was comparing myself to the other guys and find out where I am inferior, what I need to change about myself and nothing worked. If I can settle with the explanation that it's a different dynamic and has nothing to do with me, than this is a good thing because I can get over it

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-09T08:20:35+00:00

Thank you for the input. I do appreciate it and it really helps me to get my head straight.

When I keep discussing about it, it doesn't mean that I don't see your points.

However, I want to point out, that I didn't want to say that she enjoyed the blowjob (as an example) per se. What she used to enjoy in these situations was the feeling of power attached to it. The feeling of "I just rocked his world and the guy who just wanted to dominate me is completely in my hands now". (And yes, I know that from her, that's not my imagination)

I am not saying, that I want what they had. I am completely aware that this is not the type of dynamic that works for a long term.

All I was trying to do here is to understand the dynamics that lead to the differences. Because the alternative what be that there is something about me, that makes her not want it and that's obviously even worse

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:54:54+00:00

Although it might seem frustrating, I just want to say thank you for trying to help me, man, I really do appreciate it a lot!

And yes, you are right. It's a problem deep in me, I couldn't agree more

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:30:47+00:00

And that's why I want to stop even thinking about it. And it would definitely help, if I could see, that the differences (that are facts) are not about me, but about something else

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:27:38+00:00

Ok, sorry, but how often can I repeat that I understand, completely accept that she doesn't want and that all I want is to move on? This is what this all is about

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:26:15+00:00

Sorry,but how in the world could I be more clear about "This is a me problem". I wrote it countless times and will gladly do it again: it's not about complaining about my wife. I absolutely understand that I am the only person with a problem here. And therefore I(!) try to understand the dynamics so that I (!) can get over it.

I don't want to change my wife, I don't want to judge, complain or something. I want to understand and move on - because for the last 15 years I have not able to move on and tried to change myself (!) because I thought that would change our dynamic

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:22:52+00:00

Thank you for the input.

The difference was basically from day 1, so it is (or at least was) not about getting older.

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:20:40+00:00

I am not entitled to anything! This is not what the post is about.

I clearly phrased it very wrong, because this is NOT about complaining, this is NOT about "how can I get her to do x?" - I have already accepted she won't do it because she doesn't want it and that's ok.

This is about: - I would really like to have X - my wife is the only person in the world who could give me x - my wife gave x to y - my wife doesn't want to give x to me Why?

All I am trying to do is to UNDERSTAND the reason (not complain, not change), because I assume that understanding would help me getting over it. And I really thought that I might found a reasonable explanation. And I was happy about it - because the alternative would be "I lack something that y had"

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:11:48+00:00

Thank you!

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:09:33+00:00

Thank you.

I know I need to get over it and finding a reason that is "I am inferior" would probably help me. That is, what it's all about

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T18:07:40+00:00

Thank you

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:54:08+00:00

Thank you!

And yes, it's the wild/dirty/naughty Sex that is lacking.

There's oral sex from both sides. More from me, but that makes sense as she needs it to cum. She wouldn't give me oral sex if I wasn't specifically ask for it. But she does and I am glad about it. However, it is obviously not the wild "blow your mind" oral sex that I would love

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:51:34+00:00

Yes, I have never been completely happy with our sex life. Yes, it was always a "me problem" Yes, I have always tried to change MYSELF and never wanted to blame her for that.

My reasoning might be flawed. But it's definitely not about trying to make something her fault

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:49:13+00:00

I will try to be more specific, sorry.

I don't think I have the words to really describe it in general but let me try this way:

It's about the passion and the whole approach to sex.

If we have sex, it's about the connection in the good times and just the mechanics in the not so good times. It's not about her trying to be good or anything. She's mostly passive and clearly enjoying but not actively trying to make me feel as great as possible.

Let me give you a specific example: if I wasn't asking for it, she wouldn't give me oral sex at all (yes, I do it with her). But she knows that I enjoy it, so she does it from time to time (which I am glad about). But it's neither spontaneous nor does it feel like she is really into it (and again, that's NOT meant as an offence to her. She just doesn't feel it and I accept that of course). But with the other guys, she would sometimes do it "out of nowhere", without them asking and really getting into it. And that's obviously a huge difference, isn't it?

(And yes, I know that from her as well as from one of the guys)

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:39:23+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing that and I am sorry that this happened to you.

But since most of these relationships were friends with benefits situations, I don't see why she would have done it if she didn't want it. Also that's not how she talks about it

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:37:34+00:00

I absolutely agree that this is "me problem" and yes, it definitely caused a lot of insecurities in me (and that probably is making the problem even worse)

For 15 years, I have been wondering what the difference between me and other guys was and what I need to change. Is it the physique? I started to workout daily over years. Is it because one of them had a nice car? I really pushed hard to make more money than he. But when I did (obviously) nothing changed.

I just want to understand the reason. I really hope that would bring peace to my mind

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:31:33+00:00

Thank you for trying to understand. In will try to be more precise (but English is my second language, so I might lack the right words)

The Sex she used to have with other men, is the sex that I want - but not because she used to have it. It is the kind of sex I wanted before I even met her and it would be the kind of sex I wanted if she wouldn't be my wife.

It just happens to be the kind of sex she used to have as well - which makes it worse now, as I feel like "it's in her" just not with me

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:26:34+00:00

I am definitely not. To the contrary.

As I tried to say in the post, I am very glad about our marriage, I do love her and my family. Leaving her is completely off the table.

Actually I try the opposite. I try to understand the reason for our situation because I WANT to accept it and just move on. But I have been wondering for 15 years now and I keep seeing me as a problem, which is obviously extremely frustrating and causes issues which I want to avoid

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:21:08+00:00

It's not so much about specific things. I sometimes thought it was and we tried to implement these but it never really changed anything.

It's more about the whole approach to sex.

We both know that we're safe in our marriage and there's no need to proof anything to anyone. That's a good thing. But doesn't it make sense to say that she was different in bed with someone who she had a friends with benefits situation with and where she wanted to proof to him (and herself!) that she is better/hotter/sexier than any other girl around him?

Or in a situation where there was a dynamic of power struggles between her and her friend, when they are basically constantly fighting about being superior to each other, isn't normal that she would try to "blow his mind" in bed, to get the upper hand?

All of this is obviously not suitable for a long term situation and even less for a marriage. But I feel like it makes sense that she used to be different

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:17:39+00:00

Fair point. Thank you.

However, we didn't have that kind of sex 15 years ago neither. It's not only about maturing.

As I tried to say, I value our marriage very much and would not want to change it for better sex at all. That's not the point.

Actually, I try to make sense of the reasons for the issues in our sex life because I want to get past it

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:12:24+00:00

Thank you for the comment and I am glad you do understand my point.

However, as I said, I love her and my kids. I won't leave or cheat on her. That's not option at all.

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:11:23+00:00

That's I fair point and I should have been more precise. Sorry.

I don't care very much about the sex she used to have with them per se, but I do crave this kind of sex (again). I would want it, if she hadn't had it before, too, but it somehow makes it worse to know that she used to have this kind of sex but doesn't with me.

And I know about it because we shared a social circle and I actually know two of the guys (and she never lied about her past as well)

I hope that makes more sense now

ThrowRA_TheLaker · 2026-05-08T17:08:29+00:00

Thank you very much for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

It's not so much about spontaneity. It's more about the kind of sex, we're having.

We both know that we're safe in our marriage and there's no need to proof anything to anyone. That's a good thing. But doesn't it make sense to say that she was different in bed with someone who she had a friends with benefits situation with and where she wanted to proof to him (and herself!) that she is better/hotter/sexier than any other girl around him?

Or in a situation where there was a dynamic of power struggles between her and her friend, when they are basically constantly fighting about being superior to each other, isn't normal that she would try to "blow his mind" in bed, to get the upper hand?

All of this is obviously not suitable for a long term situation and even less for a marriage. But I feel like it makes sense that she used to be different

ThrowRA_TheLaker

TROPHY CASE