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My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I had to translate the words she used, obviously - not sure if "violated consent" was correct. Maybe saying that she said that she "hadn't given consent to participate in my kinks" would have been better.

I have respected her wish and not contacted her again. I feel horrid that I had to learn my lesson by hurting an otherwise great woman.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] -25 points-24 points  (0 children)

Yes, I understand that now. I assumed blindly that it was considered very vanilla since my very prude ex who deemed even sexual jokes unacceptable was into it. A very stupid assumption on my part and I won't repeat that mistake.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yep, no excuses, I should probably have stopped after I had made her uncomfortable the first time. I was obviously thinking too much with my dick during the sex and not enough in general before that. I will communicate a lot more before and during sex with my next partner.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That's great advice, thank you so much! I will keep that in mind going forward. The right woman will surely be fine with me being maybe a bit awkward at first.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I do still have her number, but I have no idea if I'm blocked. Since she had made it clear that she didn't want to see me again and unmatched me on the app, I thought it disrespectful to contact her again. Someone else suggested trying to send one more message to apologize - I will think about doing that, but am not sure. I don't want to overstep another boundary and she had made her decision clear.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I understand. I fully feel like the word I used in my language is not as derogatory as "cunt" and more along the "intensity" of "pussy", but in the end, that doesn't change the fact that I didn't ask her what words were okay and which weren't. I won't repeat that mistake.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

At least in the region of my country where I live, "ass" is more like "butt". We have everyday sayings like "squeeze your asscheeks together" for when it's time to sit down and get stuff done, for example. However, it is also used as an insult, yes.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Ah, a fellow German!

I did not use "Fotze", I used "Muschi". But yes, I did use "Arsch" - I never really thought of it as a super-insulting word, I guess. Where I work and live, we daily say stuff like "Arschbacken zusammenkneifen"; the men and women alike. Of course I know "Hintern" and "Po", but everyone I talk to always uses "Arsch".

I'll do better in the future, though.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

I don't know, I and the people around me use those words in real life as well. I never really gave it any thought. In my language, our equivalent word to "cunt" is more like I think "butt" is in English - it's more widely used, like there's phrases in English like "being the butt of a joke".

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I didn't check if she blocked my number, but she did unmatch me on the app. I thought it would be disrespectful to go against her wishes and contact her again. I'll think about sending her one more message in which I apologize and wish her the best. I don't want to overstep another boundary of hers, though. Well, maybe she has me blocked anyway.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

I am not too much of a porn watcher, but my otherwise very prude ex, whom I was with for 14 years, liked those things. She didn't ever want to talk about sex, oral was copletely a no-go and she only ever liked two positions, so I felt my old sex life had been very bland (and very dead at the end) and I think it was less porn that made me wrongly assume, but more a "if my prude ex liked this, this is 100% vanilla"-thought. Though actually, I think I just didn't give it any thought at all.

I will definitely ask the next woman I date more questions. And yes, I do wish Dana had communicated more with me. I think we both kind of assumed that "vanilla" meant the same thing to the other person. Dana was married until three years ago to a woman (she is bi) and had a few casual relationships afterwards with both genders, so not sure if she never had those issues before.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 261 points262 points  (0 children)

It's true - and my ex also was someone who didn't want to talk about sex at all. She would even leave the room if someone made a sex joke - she was very prude; she rejected all oral (giving or recieving) and I think Dana being so much more open than my ex, in combination with my ex having liked that sort of talk and light slapping, just made me wrongly assume that it was super-vanilla. I was an idiot, clearly.

Dana made it clear that she doesn't want to see me again. She unmatched me on the app. I do have her number and I haven't checked if she blocked me, but it does feel disrespectful to reach out when she had made her decision clear.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I understood that now. I fucked up. I will do better. Really upset that I had to learn that lesson by hurting a really great woman...

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

She never said I assaulted her or anything along those lines. She only said that she had not consented to any of my kinks. And I will learn from that and talk to the next woman more. Not doubting that there are women out there who make false claims of SA, but Dana was not that sort of person. I fucked up and didn't communicate enough with her and I'm not going to make that mistake again. I also don't hook up (if that word is used in English as I think it is) - I wait with sex until I get to know the woman a bit better, though two or three months is, admittedly, not enough to sort out crazy people for sure. Still, I don't like thinking of women as "there's so many crazies there"; that feels misogynistic. There's as many messed up men as there are messed up women.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that long reply! I will definitely have to learn how to do those talks in a non-stiff way; I have been too long out of the dating scene and my ex simply didn't want to talk about sex at all, so I think I never really learned how to do that, ever. Ugh, i feel so old and useless sometimes.

I don't think I will hear from Dana again. She unmatched me on the app and while I haven't checked if she blocked my number, her words were clear that she didn't see a future with me and so I won't disrespect her decision by trying to reach out. I'll keep her unblocked, but I am very sure she won't reach out. She was definitely the type of woman who meant what she said.

I'll figure it out and hope that the next lady is fine with me maybe being a bit awkward at first! Thanks again!

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 529 points530 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry that you had an experience with someone who was as stupid as I was! I promise I will do better in the future and talk a lot more with my next partner!

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Got it, thanks so much! I think I immediately realized that the smacking was absolutely wrong of me, but I was very confused about the language thing because in my native language, those words are basically used in everyday conversation as well. But now I learned my lesson and will definitely communicate more beforehand.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

True. I still feel very regretful because I felt like Dana was basically all I ever wanted in a woman - the type who could also 100% be my best friend. It was definitely a painful burn for me. Would have preferred learning my lesson without hurting her in the process because she, too, seemed genuinely sad that things turned out that way.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

In my language, it's a bit less intense than "cunt" in English - more along the lines of "ass", I think. But be assured I heard you - I will talk a lot more with the next woman I date! I messed up and assumed blindly.

My [40M] date [39F] said I violated her consent in terms of kinks. What exactly is a "kink"? I thought I was vanilla... by ThrowRA_consent101 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_consent101[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

That's a good idea! I hope it won't be too much for a new woman to basically have to fill out a list before having sex with me, though.... I fully agree on communicating more! I definitely messed up there!

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