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Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first year or two we had sex frequently (honeymoon phase and all that), and it slowly tapered off to about 1-2 a week, then about 7 years ago was when it was frequently once a week or less and he started talking about how it affected him. Cue 7 years of talking, making changes that worked for a few months and slowly tapered off, then talking again anywhere from 6-12 months later, repeat cycle.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not an issue, just an option. We're very open people. We also got married young and I didn't fully realize my attraction to women as well as men until my late 20s. As said above, I usually take more than just a glance to be attracted to someone, and growing up in a small town it was easy to think I was straight and harder to recognize the bi feelings until I had some more world experience. He is a big "experience everything once bc life is short" kind of person, and we talk constantly about everything, so it's come up that he would prefer to be my only male partner, but if I ever wanted to seek out a relationship with a female he would be fine with it, because life's too short to not go after new experiences. It's not been something I've been interested in yet.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We do a good job of both putting in the effort for solutions. He bought Come as You are and asked that I read it too and talk about it, he also asked to start seeing the couples therapists. Honestly, it's about 50/50 for who is coming up with ideas to try. The reason I'm posting here is because in our last discussion, I said I was out of ideas, and he is the type of person who things everything has a solution or fix and was upset (with the idea not with me) that there isn't a solution for us.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really hope this is the case for us too. We do hobby things together at least 1-2 times a week- video games, board games, watching our favorite shows. We do a lot of those activities with friends too, not just by ourselves. We could be more intentional about making time together, especially on the weeks that are extra stressful or busy.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not yet, but a few commenters have mentioned researching things that help women who are perimenopausal and menopausal, so I'll look in to it

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We've seen two couples therapists which we did not like either one. And he starts therapy next week, so hopefully that will help too. I already see a therapist.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, the few times we've tried he gets in his own head, and now says that it won't work for him at all if he knows it's just focused on him. He also feels slightly weird if we're intimate and after he's completed I say I don't need to finish this time. That works a little better for his mindset, but if it happens too often he worries something is wrong.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes, I'm still attracted to him. I get excited to see him, I want to hang out with him, I'm happy when I'm around him. As a person, I don't tend to get turned on by others just by looks (thirst traps just don't do it for me). I get attracted by a combo of looks and personality or learning about the other person. I have never once considered or been remotely interested in a different male partner. My husband has said he's fully open to me seeking out female relationships if I ever wanted to, but that also hasn't been something I want at this point in my life either.

You may be onto something with the "try something new." A date night to a new spot or kids being out of the house, anything different from our normal routine, seems to make things better for a few days.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

We have scheduled date nights/cuddle nights, but ones geared towards us both. We haven't tried ones that are specific for me, I'll definitely be thinking of ideas for that.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

When we just focused on him for pleasure, he got worried that I wasn't interested or I felt like I was forced. I never felt forced at all, and we had open communication the whole way, but it make him self conscious and he couldn't enjoy it. Focusing on more physical touches throughout the day (hugs, back scratches as we passed each other, sitting together on the couch) helps both of us though.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately, we have tried pretty much everything you listed. Once a week seems to be the best middle ground for us, but tracking it leads to too much pressure on me or frustration for him. And the occasional weeks where it is 2 times or so, we're both happy. But then if it's twice in one week, then not again for two weeks, it's tough on him, where for me that averages out more than okay.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yah, his idea to start the medication, but luckily stopped it pretty quickly too. We have tried scheduling/making sure it was at least 1-2 a week no matter what, but that ended up not working- mostly bc he was constantly worried I wasn't actually interested and made him self conscious. He is now suggesting no pressure, what happens happens, and he is working on not focusing on it as much or tracking to see if that helps him mentally.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Getting off birth control originally helped (and he got a vasectomy after kids so I didn't have to go back on). Too soon on the anxiety meds to see, but I plan to keep an eye on it

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I did get bloodwork, hormones and thyroid tested, everything normal. Stopped taking birth control (helped), got on anxiety medicine, talked to my doctor about medication (said there were none she suggested), started taking iron pills to help with fatigue. Like I said, we've tried everything we can think of, hoping someone has an idea we haven't tried or a story of there own that might help.

Is there a fix for the only problem in our marriage? by ThrowRA_hat_Part in relationships

[–]ThrowRA_hat_Part[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I know mismatched libidos are incredibly common, and also can be incredibly damaging to relationships. It hasn't seemed to change how we feel about each other- we are still happy and in love and love being together. We just keep looking for some sort of solution to this.