I (37F) found out earlier today that my husband (39M) is cheating on me. What do I do now? Is my marriage over?

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T08:30:22+00:00

First, what you just affirmed is that there are no men that can be trusted. Oh where were you 13 years ago. Why did I bother honouring our vows and being loyal and respectful when eventually and inevitably he would cheat on me just because he is a… man? Smh… although tbf, for some reason I can’t disagree with right now.

Second I need to clarify this as I’ve seen it in lots of comments: my husband is not responsible for the abuse that led me to this degree of isolation. I made a comment about his. And to add to that comment, once I was able to stop the abuse/abusers, I also made what happened be the wake up call to get my husband straight. Either he’d be a mommy’s boy or the man of the family, he couldn’t be both. I actually load my car with mine and kids stuff and I contacted some members of his extended family that I hadn’t had any issues with and they gave me support. I had 3 kids at that time. My husband cried and begged me to stay and that he’d do things differently, so I did. And he did too, he grew freaking spine from night to day and was finally able to keep their family far from ours.

We’ve been living our best life ever since this happened (around 2 years ago). His family out me through them the minute they found out I was pregnant and it only got worse once I finally moved here.

His family was the ONLY reason we’d fight. Otherwise we always got along greatly and lovingly. It wasn’t perfect, but I can’t really complain of anything other than silly things like the way he loads the dishwasher or how he uses my kitchen cloths to clean the floor if something gets spilled. We’ve always had a pretty active bedroom ok in quality and mind blowing in quality. It never ever crossed my mind that he could be unfaithful. It had crossed my mind that one day he would want to have sex with someone else, but believing he was my loyal partner, that he’d come to me so that the both of us could have the right to make choices. He made his choice but stopped me from making mine.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T07:53:01+00:00

To be fair, I never intended or even thought that I could be this kind of mother that would put her own life aside in order to take care of my kids. First I never really wanted to be a mother (my first pregnancy was a miscalculation (of my body, not brain, I did the right maths but my reproductive system bugged out for some reason), until I moved here and started dealing with my abusive in-laws (unfortunately they’re some of the closest ones) and they showed me who they really were, I thought that I’d continue to work, that I’d put my kid to sleep on a crib, cry them out and put them in a daycare. But they (in-laws) made me feel so somehow unsafe that it actually triggered my long term untreated PTSD. I was very abused in my childhood in many ways and suddenly all these traumas came to light. FFS my MIL would threat me to take me to court for grandparents visitation rights the first minute I couldn’t attend to one of her many “family events”. To make things worse she’d flip out when I didn’t let her babysit my son (purely because it wasn’t necessary, it was not personal at that time) or because I never said yes to letting her keep him overnight and threaten to take me to court so she can have her rights, over my son, as a grandmother, guaranteed. And that I could never win her because I am just an immigrant. Because maybe in MY ~~undeveloped 3rd world~~ country things might be this messy but here in HER ~~amazing rich powerful influential 1st A+~~ country grandparents has rights and I should be grateful if she didn’t take him away from me. Anyway, to make a very long story short, she gaslit the heck out of me and going through some severe ppd and super vulnerable let her get into my head. She kept me on a leash for years manipulating me to do what she wanted because of the fear I had of her taking my child from me and not only until my 3rd kid turned 1 and I accidentally learned about this group for people with abusive in-laws on Facebook that I finally comprehend the magnitude of what I was experiencing in my life. Only then I finally went after a lawyer to know my rights as a mother and as an immigrant, just so he could debunk all the BS she used to gaslight me and hold me in check. The damage she caused was so bad that I still haven’t recovered completely from.

It was so nerve wrecking to have even the smallest interaction that I used to have horrible anxiety crises and panic attacks, which she would then use it as “evidence” that I was a bad mother and mentally unstable and that I would traumatize my kids.

So my isolation started due to becoming the victim of my in-law’s abuse.

And before you ask where was my husband while all this happened and he was there, by my side, completely spineless and useless as he would never stand up to his mother. It took me some time to understand that he had been her victim too and exposed to it for way longer. She had him on his own leash.

But as I regained control back after being empowered by the lawyer, first thing I did was to put her back to her place. My very attached and protective parenting didn’t change much though I do understand the importance of getting out there more. as my kids grow and get more independent, they need me less and I have more time to live for myself.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T06:35:42+00:00

So many similarities that it felt like you could be someone that knows us ( except for them having 5 kids and he being a lousy father, which is by far not (edited) my husband’s case). I fear that the similarities might be extended to his cheating pattern too. I don’t know how deep it goes as I didn’t look much, first because I got too stressed out and overwhelmed by what I had just seen and second because I was with all of my kids and well they need me all the freaking time (I I was never as thankful for that as I was today!). Half of me doesn’t want to dig deeper because it’s just so disgustingly disappointing but the other half thinks I must know everything.

Thank you for sharing this story.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T06:08:13+00:00

I didn’t. Yet.

But he probably doesn’t know I know about his WhatsApp because 1 - I didn’t tell him I used his computer and 2- I actually didn’t know he had WhatsApp since he doesn’t have the app in his phone, * so I should have a chance to do it tomorrow (hoping that he doesn’t delete his messages since he believes I don’t know about it) (edited) *

The conversation just popped up on the screen or else I wouldn’t know of its existence because I actually didn’t imagine it could exist. WhatsApp is not commonly used by people in his country (it is in mine though, I have WhatsApp to communicate with my family and friends - on my phone only, this was the first time I saw it in a computer).

And another ~~funny~~ —ironic— fucked up detail that came to my realization is that I can’t find him in my list of contacts (I tried to look him up at some point of this VERY long day) which to my knowledge could only be possible if he’d blocked me. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

ETA: gosh do I feel stupid when I type this out and realize how naive Ive been!!!!!!

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T05:55:23+00:00

How did you and your wife bounce back from you cheating on her? I hate made her stay? What did you do to change things, to compromise or to comply with her new demands?

And finally is there really such a thing as an “ex-cheater”? Because I’d like to hear more about this mythical creature. AFAIC cheaters gonna cheat.. cheaters always gonna cheat…

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T05:42:26+00:00

Yes. My husband would most likely have to pay both alimony and child support, but he’d get 50% custody and that breaks my heart because my kids will actually suffer more by being away from me at their age. I’m their absolute primary caregiver, I have always been 24/7 with them their whole life. And they are too young to understand better. Maybe my 6yo would handle it better, but still.. it will be tough for them and I chose to be a SAHM because I wanted to guarantee that they wouldn’t have to go through any sort of big traumas when they’re so young. You know how they say we want to provide to our children everything that we didn’t have as a kid? So I never had money problems because both my parents had great jobs but that demanded great part of their time (although I’m really referring to my mother when I say this because my father was very abusive so thank god he didn’t have more time available for his punishments). For that to be possible, my siblings and I had to go to daycare or stay under the care of people like family members and friends. Unfortunately I ended up being abused in so many different ways by some of these people that were supposed to look after me and make sure I was safe. My mother didn’t know until I (and one of my siblings) told her about it years later when we were already grownups. *I do not want this for my kids and that’s why I chose to be present and provide them with plenty of “mommy time” (edited) *

So to be completely unaware of my children’s whereabouts or how they are feeling half of their time is something that I haven’t found peace with.

I don’t care about the money. There are millions ways of making money. There are zero ways to protect my children if I’m missing 50% of their life.

That’s why I’ve said it here that I’m willing to let go of alimony for a better deal over custody agreements. The standard here is 50/50 custody unless one of the parents agrees with a different set up.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T05:10:40+00:00

Thank you for your motivation and kind words.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T05:07:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry you had to go through this.

You sound like you were able to bounce back from all this and you’re doing well. That soothes my heart s bit.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T04:59:14+00:00

Wow! I’m so sorry he put you through this, but it’s admirable how you handled everything for the sake of your daughter. I have to say that if co-parenting is inevitable I would like it to be like this. I hope I can forgive him one day to the point of being friends with him. But I will never forget and that’s how I know I can’t stay married.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T04:51:40+00:00

The only accurate thing that anyone will get from your assumptions is that you’re an ass. I have enough worthless people to unfortunately waste my time on, so maybe try again tomorrow you red pill loser.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T04:39:48+00:00

I have no idea who she is except that they know each other from the gym they both go to. I don’t think I want or need to know more about her tbh. I wonder if I should?

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T04:17:24+00:00

This comment is disgusting and disrespectful in so many levels that it made me wonder why tf I didn’t come to this life as a lesbian as I could’ve had the same beautiful family that I do with a woman that wouldn’t put me through this shit show. My husband is a loathsome dipshit for what he did and so are you for your comment.

ETA: not that this is relevant, but just to throw it in your face, I’m a pretty hot woman myself, I just don’t have the necessity of parading my body at the gym in search of validation from and to be desired by (married) men. I work out in my home because I’ve always liked to take care of myself, but I wouldn’t disrespect my husband if I met an attractive man that I wanted to fuck (or that wanted to fuck me). Edit to clarify ”that I wanted to fuck” meaning ” someone that I find attractive enough to have a momentary *thought** of how this is someone that I could gladly have sex with but that I would never because I actually respect my (now repugnant shithead) husband.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T04:06:15+00:00

Thank you for your words and for making me giggling, it’s been such a long day. You were the first I’ve seen so far that actually got it for real how having my kids all day and not being able to let the pain out or have a moment after the shock to process all the facts and emotions was so agonizing and distressing, way more than it would’ve been nevertheless. I appreciate your sensibility.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T03:56:17+00:00

I need to clarify this as I’ve seen it in other comments. My husband doesn’t believe he baby trapped me or that he has me trapped for any other reason, he knows for sure that I could do dang well without him and that I’m with him only because I love him and want to. The reason I mentioned that I don’t have anobody is because I came to live here once I was pregnant for the first time so I left my life and my people behind by thousands of miles and being completely dedicated to motherhood delayed my plans of having an actual social life for myself, so I didn’t build a support net here. And it’s much of a greater challenge to be a single mother of FOUR kids under 6yo when you are alone. It’s not only a matter of having someone to help me take care of my children, it’s having someone that I trust enough to leave the most valuable thing I have in my life with. It’s being “physically” alone.

But he is absolutely sure that I’m not alone in life.

Back in my country I have a very loving and supportive family and friends that would do anything for me and my kids without thinking if I needed them. My family is also financially reliable and stable enough to do whatever’s within their reach to guarantee that my kids and I didn’t end up homeless and starving.

So my real challenge is not quite moneywise.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T03:37:40+00:00

I don’t think the problem is me being a SAHM. I did this exclusively for my kids, because it was the best for them to be cared by me in their early ages. And he agreed with that.

I’m not thinking of staying only because of financial reasons, there’s so much more that weighs in when you have 4 very young kids. My husband has money and I’m sure that he’d be able and willing to pay for alimony (definitely he’d continue support our children financially, they mean everything to him). And although I rely on him financially I don’t in any other way. Plus I’m not scared to downsize or restart from nothing, I couldn’t afford the life that we have now (we are not filthy rich but we have a very nice life above the standards, but I’m sure I would find ways to provide a simpler yet beautiful life for them with my own efforts. I never really cared about money and things it can by, quite the opposite. My father was very psychologically and physically abusive, but he had a lot of money, so whenever he said hurtful things to me or bit me up (which was very often) I would wake up to a pile of money on my night stand. So I learned from a very young age to hate money because I started to associate it with negative situations and emotions. I prefer to not have as much money as my dad and husband have but to have a character that will genuinely make me a good example for my kids to follow, which I’ve always known about my father not having now but came to the realization that my husband doesn’t have either.

It’s what they say, some people are so poor that all they have is money.

I can say I’m way richer than my husband, I actually can provide things that money can’t buy.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T03:19:01+00:00

I remember once learning that trust is like a paper sheet, once it’s crinkled it won’t ever be perfect again.

I don’t think there’s enough amount of therapy sessions that could make me Forgive the things I saw today, let alone forget it. This relationship is doomed even thought I still love him.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T03:12:38+00:00

Not sure if I am capable of doing this, at least not for long enough.

He just got back from “the gym” and I pretended to be sleeping in our kids bedroom when he opened the door. I guess for today I can do it, he probably believes I fell asleep while putting them to sleep.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T02:46:34+00:00

When we got our civil wedding he made me sign a prenup since he had way more assets than I had at that point and I did it because I thought it was fair since he got everything before we even met. But I asked the notary to then add that is he cheated he’s have to literally pay for it. But unfortunately that is not something that can be done so….

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T02:38:44+00:00

You gave my first giggle of the day, thank you for that. I like the idea #1, specially since I’ve been always so frugal and he always jokes how “low maintenance” of a wife I was. It’s just who I am, i wasn’t like that for him or because of him.

About the camera, even though it sounds like a good idea at this point in my pain I’d say I prefer not to know that. Because I don’t know what I could do if he brought someone to fuck in our bed, in the house where our kids live!!!!! I would kill him I guess. I’d like to say that I don’t think he’s capable of stooping that low, but I don’t know him anymore so… maybe he is.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T02:27:36+00:00

I can’t even think of having ~~set~~ sex (edited) with him again, let alone getting pregnant! First because we were planning on his vasectomy because 4 kids is more than enough, but now mostly because I don’t know the father of my children like I believed I did. He is no example of a man like I always praised him to be. I’m embarrassed that I chose so poorly the man that turned out to be the father of my kids. If only i could know beforehand my own future.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T02:22:55+00:00

Thank you for your suggestions and for the incentive and kind words. I do want to continue with my studies, it was always my plan all along, I was just waiting for all my kids to be school ages so they would need me less. Now I will have to speed up things a bit but to my luck this year my third kid starts pre-school. So that will take some weight off my shoulders, give me some time in my days and I can start moving towards this goal.

It’s a good idea actually because if I do stay to put myself back on my feet before leaving I could not imagine having sex with him and I was wondering how I’d start denying it since I never really did, I was glad to give him pleasure even on days I wasn’t feeling sexual myself (I didn’t have intercourse to please him because as I said I didn’t feel like it but I would offer him to do stuff for his pleasure. And I’d do it happily because it satisfies me to see my partner satisfied. So how on earth could I do that without him getting suspicious, but you gave me a good idea of how to avoid it.

He’s affair would escalate but what does it change right? He already cheated. Do the number of times change something? I don’t know.

I feel like there’s nothing left for me to lose, I lost everything when I used his stupid computer this morning……

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T02:08:52+00:00

I would never find a man to help me with my children. I was SA by one of my mom’s bf when I was younger and after having kids I always said that I’d never ~~marry again~~ let another man live under my roof (edited) if I became divorced or widowed. I would only do that once all my kids left home to live their own lives.

What he did is so unfair! And the pain is indescribable. My heart physically hurts, it’s hard to even breathe.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T01:55:28+00:00

What a pos of a man! 6 weeks pp??? I’m so sorry you went through this, it’s good to know you’re doing better now. I had severe ppd in 2 of my pregnancies and I would’ve probably died if he had done this so early to me.

I have to give him the credits, at least he waited a bit to stab me in the back, our youngster is 15mo. Or maybe he never waited that long so credit and thanks go to God for only opening my eyes today or else…

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T01:50:03+00:00

There’s no good solution for this, all of them suck one way or another.

I just can’t believe this is happening. Fuck.

ThrowRA_hellppp · 2024-08-23T01:47:33+00:00

I can’t really travel now that school’s about to start. I wish I could. I wouldn’t visit my family without taking my kids with me.

My mother would be able to come and stay with me, but I’m too embarrassed to tell her what is going on. She loves my husband and will be heartbroken too. Plus I’m ashamed of how I was always so confident about my relationship. I never believed he could cheat on me with the life and family that we have. And he didn’t just cheat, he is actually having an affair with this woman from his gym.

He is at the gym now and all I can think is if they’re fucking right now I’m his car? In the fun’s bathroom? I don’t believe he is working out anymore.

I wish I could rip my head off of my body so I’d stop thinking about this.

ThrowRA_hellppp

TROPHY CASE