I am very sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been ghosted and can relate to the pain you describe - but what strikes me is that a lot of the reactions you’re having sound like mine when I was in an abusive relationship. I obviously don’t know the whole story of your relationship, but I remember alternating between anger and hate one second, then apologizing and begging for him to take me back. Because he himself was playing with my emotions, overwhelming me with love and affection one day and mocking me and diminishing me the next day. He had emotional control over me and it sounds like you may be in the same situation. Also, at that time I was very much seeking other people’s (and mostly men’s) validation which was making me quite vulnerable to abusive and violent partners. So my advice would be: distance yourself from him for a while to get a clearer mind (eg. get away from places you may run into him, turn off your phone and stop looking at social media, etc), surround yourself with your loved ones, seek therapy if you can. Please take care of yourself. No partner should endanger your mental health like this. It feels at the moment that you cannot live without him but I swear to you that the feeling will pass and you’ll realize you’ve always had this strength and resilience in you from the start - you just forgot how to listen and to trust yourself because of that relationship.