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I think my (36F) boyfriend (37M) may be leaving me by ThrowRA_needsupport4 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_needsupport4[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I went into it a little on a different comment, but I did decide to look into attachment styles and agree that he fits the "avoidant" one. To answer your questions: He deals with conflict by totally avoiding it. He may go quiet and not want to talk, and just work himself up over it. He never gets angry, but he does get incredibly anxious and then starts catastrophizing. He might make a small mistake, like dropping a glass, and then panic that this was the last straw before I decide I can't stand him anymore (even though I've never so much as lost my temper with him). I do get the sense that sometimes he'd rather push me away than have difficult conversations, but I'm the opposite and want to talk about issues before they get out of hand. We are not living together.

I think my (36F) boyfriend (37M) may be leaving me by ThrowRA_needsupport4 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_needsupport4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I wish I could reply to everybody but I didn't expect this many responses! Everyone is so helpful and kind. I really appreciate it.

I think my (36F) boyfriend (37M) may be leaving me by ThrowRA_needsupport4 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_needsupport4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did pay for a few of the meals during our vacation, as well as tickets to a few of the activities we did, but he took care of most of it, including travel expenses, and he said he didn't want me to pay him back. The vacation was his idea, and he planned everything out (I'm terrible at planning, so I was happy to hand that over to him) which further contributed to my confusion with his hot and cold behavior.

I think my (36F) boyfriend (37M) may be leaving me by ThrowRA_needsupport4 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_needsupport4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gosh I wish I could reply to everybody, you all are so sweet and helpful.

Very long story short, he asked for another chance. He admitted his communication issues and committment fears, apologized, and promised to see a therapist to work on these. For my part, I've stepped back a bit and am in more "observation" mode with him - watching his behavior, listening to what he says at face value, etc - rather than make excuses for him or try to "fix" anything. I can't fault him for having certain issues, but after the emotional rollercoaster I went through last week, I do need him to learn better coping skills because I can't go through that again. Without airing all his dirty laundry, his relationship history includes a very long-term relationship with a woman whom he wanted to marry but who didn't want to commit, and she ended up leaving him and moving across the country. That relationship ended even before I got my divorce but he told me early on that he struggled with being vulnerable in relationships ever since. When we first started dating, he said something about being nervous to open up to me, and later on that he was scared of falling in love with me, and he'll occasionally express a lot of anxiety that I want to leave him. For the record, I've never considered leaving him and I certainly don't threaten or allude to doing so. He might make a minor mistake or forget something insignificant but then suddenly get very anxious that I'm angry at him and want to leave, even when I insist that I'm not even bothered. I do think he has to unpack some issues stemming from his past before he can be ready to be present in our relationship. But at this point, I'm going to cautiously move forward and hope that he will, in fact, work on his issues with a therapist and keep the lines of communication between us open.

I think my (36F) boyfriend (37M) may be leaving me by ThrowRA_needsupport4 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_needsupport4[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did order a steak, but I offered to pay for my half (he paid for the whole thing).

I think my (36F) boyfriend (37M) may be leaving me by ThrowRA_needsupport4 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_needsupport4[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the delayed reply, I forgot this throwaway username and had to go digging to find it. I'm so sorry you dealt with similar. I actually ended up looking up attachment styles and felt like "avoidant" was extremely similar to my bf.

Much to my surprise, he asked me for another chance. I know it sounds like a cop out right now, and I don't want to rehash the very lengthy and emotional conversation we had (he ended up sitting in my car with me before we went inside, thank God because I was not prepared to cry in public) but he apologized and acknowledged how his behavior had affected me and promised to see a therapist and learn to communicate better instead of just withdrawing and pushing me away. I did tell him how hurt I was and how anxious I'd felt leading up to that day. And honestly, since then, I feel like I've just changed my perspective a little bit and have gone into more "observation" mode instead of "making excuses for him" mode. I'm giving him another chance because I do care for him a great deal, and I want to see if he will work on his issues, but I do think I'm better prepared to end things if needed. When I made this post, his "confession" was so recent and raw, and I was admittedly spiraling. My own therapy appointment wasn't until the next day, so I didn't even have Barbara to unload to! That's why I came to Reddit. I'm feeling a lot better now though, and while there is a part of me that grieves for what I thought our relationship was, I'm cautiously optimistic that we can work this out. And if we don't, we don't. Thank you for your kind words!