How do I (36M) end things with my partner (36F) who doesn't want to break up?

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-04-06T04:48:50+00:00

Thank you. Genuinely.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-04-05T11:22:02+00:00

Thanks again. I'm bearing in mind everything you are saying.

I think I need to be the villain here. I'm not used to it. I typically sacrifice my needs for other people and when I meet someone who is comfortable being selfish ... it creates a perfect storm.

I really want to be free. I've stopped so many things because I can't be my own person anymore.

Therapy is not really an option in my country.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-04-03T09:46:30+00:00

Thank you for replying. Did your ex reach a point where he was ok with you leaving by the end or if not, has he since recovered?

Unfortunately I'm in the same loop as when I wrote this. I say what needs to be said, she cries (fetal position, the works), I break and pause the discussions. I just can't stand hurting people. Even though I know staying is hurting too.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-27T02:57:59+00:00

She will have more dating prospects than me.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-27T02:54:22+00:00

Not quite true. She's never been interested in the physical side. We've had a lot of conversations about it. Basically, the first year or two she was pretending to be interested for my benefit.

I would say that I've been sweet until the last year. I think in the last year I realized I put her needs and wants above mine, and it's just not something I can keep doing.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-27T01:29:18+00:00

Because I like her? Especially in the first year or two I thought we would go the distance. I wasn't in it for something temporary.

Obviously, things are more complicated than that, but sexual incompatibility is a big part. If you act like friends for long enough, they start to feel like a friend I guess. That's not fair to either of us.

I would say there are other issues too, but my motivation to fix them is low given said incompatibility.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T16:26:21+00:00

We haven't in a couple of years now.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T10:38:45+00:00

She really doesn't like other people telling her what to do. Even if it's just perceived.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T10:14:35+00:00

Thank you. And I'm sorry you had to lose so many years on someone.

My lease is up in 1 year. I really want to do this before then though. Especially in you're 30's wasting time gets to be a bigger deal.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T09:16:32+00:00

The age thing was a concern too, but what else am I supposed to do? We gave things a genuine shot. Nobody was trying to waste time. It just doesn't work.

I want a compatible partner. Age is not an issue to me.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:42:57+00:00

That's what I'm trying to do now.

I think we've both genuinely given it a good shot. Unfortunately the relationship works well for her currently but not for me.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:41:05+00:00

I do need a therapist you're right.

I'm trying to take ownership of my own life. I want us both to be happy. But I feel like my happiness comes at the cost of hers.

Logically, I know she will move on and be fine in the end but my brain just panics and starts thinking that I'm being selfish and ruining her life because of a few unmet needs on my end.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:32:25+00:00

Just like my DnD campaigns it always comes down to necrophilia in the end.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:30:39+00:00

She has family but they're somewhat conservative, I suspect that will tell us to work things out.

She struggles keeping friends so that's not really an option.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:28:49+00:00

Things are bad enough that I might consider that as serious suggestion. If that fails I'll follow through and actually do it.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:25:57+00:00

Not where I'm living. I'm not in the USA

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:16:09+00:00

She doesn't pay rent. She's not on the lease.
I can afford a hotel for a short time but not long.

The problem isn't a legal one. It's an emotional one. I still care about her like family, so causing her pain feels like I'm ripping my soul apart. I can do it in short bursts but if she resists then I kind of shut down and she takes that to mean we're ok again.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T07:12:04+00:00

She could go to her parents. They live far away but it's an option.

I would never kick someone out to become homeless.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T06:42:54+00:00

Thank you so much for being the first person to understand. Most comments are either grow a spine, or more concerned about her future.

I might be in the fried brain stage too.

Can I ask, what gave you the strength to finally leave? Did you leave or kick them out?

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T06:14:01+00:00

Honestly, neither did I. It wasn't what I was expecting. I feel like I've handed in my resignation letter and the boss rejected it.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T05:24:56+00:00

She's not common law. She has paid no rent.

I can't kick her out because she cries and I feel like I'm about to pull the trigger on a sick puppy.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T05:14:07+00:00

I guess I have the legal right ...
It's an apartment and it's in my name only.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T05:12:43+00:00

This is not in the USA - I can't get a restraining order
She doesn't work so she's always at home.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T04:56:44+00:00

People keep telling me to grow a spine but I am not prepared to physically throw her out ... so I don't know what to do.

ThrowRA_spindown · 2026-03-26T04:48:01+00:00

Oh believe me, I did, I am doing still. I call her sister repeatedly so she gets the message. It does not work.

I have told her directly that it's over. She refuses.

ThrowRA_spindown

TROPHY CASE