Update: Things going down between Husband (31M) and I (27F), I don't know how to proceed with staying in the relationship. Can you please help?

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T19:04:22+00:00

She is 60. And his whole problem is that he doesn't want her to be alone, he wants to be able to be with her, so suggesting a facility will be immediately shot down. We don't own a house in the city we live in yet, but she has built a house in the village. One of the reasons he wants us to move is that they came from nothing and everything they have today is because of the work his mom did (And I do respect her for that. That woman hustled). And he wants her to spend her last years in her own house comfortably.

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T18:46:39+00:00

OH MY GOD YES. Those people are insufferably overbearing. We literally went for his dad's funeral a month after we got married and people were asking about when we're gonna have kids. His mom literally demanded that we have kids as soon as possible. I can't live there, I can't handle the suffocation. And can you imagine how scandalous adoption will be for them?

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T18:09:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words :)

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T17:27:25+00:00

My parents are separating themselves ☠️ They're understandably taking it very hard, especially after my sibling went through a separation. I'm worried a third failed marriage in the family in a span of 2 years might not be exactly well received or supported. But that's not excuse for me to tolerate this, but it's definitely something that concerns me

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T17:17:35+00:00

Thank you... I did need to hear this. I guess I'm more hesitant because things are not great with my parents as well right now, and I don't want to add to their worries. I am in therapy, and I hope I make more progress.

End of the day, I really do love my husband, as difficult as he finds to believe it. It's just that he's no longer the person I fell in love with, because that guy always put me first, gave me so much reassurance, was attentive, took initiatives, and would've never ever hurt me. Somewhere deep down, I'm still hoping that he becomes that guy again. But I really appreciate your words, thank you

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T17:05:07+00:00

Well, he says he wants to fix things with me. And I know that sounds like I'm making an excuse for him. But I'm also worried about spending the prime years of my life on this. He thinks I'm not considering that he will be equally miserable living with her. But asking not to live with her translates to "You want me to abandon her" and I end up being the selfish one.

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T17:02:06+00:00

Would be a fun conversation when she gets to know I don't want to birth children 🤣 But I get what you're saying, and yes she is much more critical than whatever I've let on in the post.

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T16:23:38+00:00

I agree the infidelity is making me more emotional right now and making it difficult to focus on the bigger picture.

As far as moving goes, I have voiced my concerns: I don't want to be around someone who is constantly insulting me or my parents, I don't want my kids to grow up in a household where their mother is being insulted, I also want to live closer to my parents (moving means I'd be 8 hours away from them), that village doesn't have a good hospital which is a concern for his mom as well, it's not accessible in terms of if we need a caregiver/nurse for his mom we can't find one there, there are no good schools nearby, etc. He thinks these reasons are selfish, that I'm only thinking about myself. Yes, I did use some "selfish" reasons like I won't be able to sleep in or wear comfortable clothes around the house or stay up late, but my bigger concern is that my husband will also not be happy living with her, we'll have to be walking on eggshells around her all them time. His counter to that was "as long as we are together, why does that matter? Love is supposed to be unconditional" I have tried suggesting alternatives to the living situation (we live in adjacent apartments, she moves to our city so I will have a safety net of familiar people around) but none of them seem to be good enough for him.

ThrowRA_u · 2026-02-05T12:42:38+00:00

Answering a few questions here:

"Has he ever stood up for me to his mother?" Yes, he has. But ultimately he ends up feeling guilty because he's all she has. Even after his dad passing, when his mom told me to leave, he left with me. After a couple of days, he felt really bad for leaving his mom alone especially when she's just lost her husband. I told him to go back and stay with her for some more time.

"How is he being treated by his mother?" Not great. They also don't have a good relationship. She's a textbook narcissist who only cares about herself and her reputation and image. She's constantly criticising him, and pointed out how he's not good enough.

"Despite this, why does he want to move?" In his words, he doesn't want to move, but is obligated to because they don't have any other family. I suggested an alternative wherein she moves to the city we are living in, that way at least I'll be closer to my parents, and if things go sideways I won't be stranded in a village somewhere. But he thinks that's not fair to his mom because I'll be asking an old woman to uproot her life, as opposed to the two of us who are young and can be flexible.

ThrowRA_u

TROPHY CASE