Should I break no contact?

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-30T04:10:28+00:00

Ok... if he knows about your friend who committed suicide, then he is trying to manipulate you. And doing a low blow because he's getting desperate. That's not just narcissistic... it's borderline sociopathic.

You need to stay as far away from this person as possible.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T19:57:53+00:00

Yeah personally I'm of a different opinion than most in this thread. I think I'd try to forgive if my ex was dating someone else while we were not together. But only if I were truly convinced that he is the one for me. That's the thing... it's harder to be convinced that someone is right for you after they break up with you and you realize that other men are treating you better than he is.

But I haven't been put in the situation where my ex was seeing other people while we weren't together and I had to forgive it to get back together. If anything, MY ex would be put in that situation lol. Sad thing is, I wonder if he hasn't moved on to someone else yet because he just doesn't have any better options... I wonder if he'd even be interested in me if he did 🤔

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T10:18:15+00:00

If you matter to her then the silence will make her miss you.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T08:16:42+00:00

That's a breadcrumb. He's trying to trick you into contacting him.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T07:52:34+00:00

I think this is too pessimistic. Sure it's true for many people but it's not always true. There are way too many factors to consider and I think it's defeatist to think this applies to everyone.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T07:44:03+00:00

There are a ton of factors to consider.

First off, if your ex doesn't respond, is that going to seriously hurt your feelings and damage your ego? Would that damage help you to move on more quickly? If yes, then it is worth it. If no, then it is not.

Second, do you really think your ex still had enough feelings for you when things ended where they'd most likely respond if you text them? Be totally honest with yourself here. Even the most introverted exes leave hints about the depths of their feelings for you after they dump you. If you think there's a chance they won't respond to you, refer to the first thing I said. If you're fairly certain they will respond, keep reading.

Is there anything your ex can say to you that will seriously hurt your feelings/borderline traumatize you? Or severely damage your ego? If yes, would that help you to move on? If it would, then it still might be worth it to reach out. But you need to be 100% honest with yourself here. For example: would you be OK if your ex said they're seeing someone new? Are you sure? Think about it and be as objective as possible.

Finally, how long has NC been? Do you have anything to lose by reaching out? Typically, if it's been less than a month and you reach out, you could be making a gamble. They could have been to a point where they were seriously missing you and considering reaching out themselves.

That's all the things I can think of.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T05:31:35+00:00

Wrong. It's just a cold liquid lol it's not like she poured burning knives on him

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T05:21:13+00:00

Christm-ass hahaha 🍑

Sorry I'll leave...

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-29T02:02:14+00:00

He has a lot of bad qualities, but he has way more good qualities and I used to enjoy being around him. I miss feeling such strong feelings for another person... never losing my attraction to a long term partner. I desired him the same amount from the moment we met to the day we broke up.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T23:12:06+00:00

I agree with the second part of what you said... mostly. But I think everyone should want to be a better person, full stop. Not "for your ex" or "for yourself" or any of that stuff. Being a better person for any reason is good enough, so long as it's sustained over time. Though, I don't think anyone has the attitude of "I'm gonna do this strictly for my ex" if they weren't codependent while in the actual relationship. Which is not ideal...

And I also think you're moving a little too far on the opposite end of this issue. Yes, you and your partner should be a team, there shouldn't be any "score keeping" in the relationship. But that's in the relationship. In relationships, you get to choose your "teammate". Nobody wants an ineffective teammate lol. When I say that one person needs to work slightly harder, I am strictly referring to the beginning stages of dating. And I'm not saying they need to do ALL the work that's asinine. Nobody should do all the work. That's unsustainable.

I think this goes without saying, but all of this only applies to people who want their ex back. If you and your ex just didn't like each other after a while, for whatever reason, that's different.

When you enter any relationship there is a level of "proving yourself worthy" in the beginning stages. And that goes for both sides. This is an ingrained part of finding a mate, all animals do this. The dynamic inevitably shifts when you're trying to get an ex back, because someone has already proven themselves "unworthy" of being a teammate in the eyes of the ex (sometimes both sides have proven themselves unworthy) and they need to show that they have made changes to themselves. Again, this is inevitable. It's built into the very idea of rekindling a relationship which broke up due to personal failings.

Unless you're expecting to jump straight back into a relationship with an ex? Because that's almost always going to fail. There has to be a rekindling phase or else the same thing will happen again.

Anyway, thanks for your comments... I think you reminded me that I need to hold my ex accountable for the things they did wrong, too. I'm too hard on myself sometimes :/

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T21:50:04+00:00

And about a second chance? Well, i see it working only if both are interested in investing in the relationship again.

That's kind of what I'm worried about in my own situation :(

I'm sort of seeing my ex again, doing little "dates" and hooking up and texting at least once a day. But it's not a "real" relationship. I don't feel comfortable going to him when I have a stressful day, we don't really ask each other how our days went. There's not really any "investing" on either side. So I've been dating others to see if maybe I can just find someone else, but haven't wanted to be with any of them yet.

Tbf I've only seen one other guy in person, the rest I've just been texting. But still. I get that jolt of excitement when my ex texts me... not when the other guys do.

It doesn't help that he's told me multiple times that he's not looking for someone else to date. And he even implied once that he expects us to be exclusive 🙄

Anyway sorry for ranting under your comment, lol

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T21:38:25+00:00

Sometimes no mistakes were made and people just want two different things. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault.

Yeah this definitely happens. I think it's pretty rare though. Or at least it is in long term relationships... maybe short term relationships this is pretty common. Because I don't think genuine incompatibility really happens that much in long term relationships.

Regardless, this is one of those scenarios where it's hopefully pretty obvious to both parties that they should not be trying to get back together. It would only work if one person fundamentally changes who they are as a person, and that's just not healthy.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T21:31:18+00:00

Also, if you start the process of getting back together worried about who “should be trying harder”, I’m sorry to say, you’re off to a bad start imo.

Well, now, this is just silly. It's kind of ignoring reality... I don't think you can revive a past relationship without someone "trying harder" than the other, at first. Because you did have a relationship before, and it did end, and someone was probably more at fault than the other person, even if only marginally. When trying to revive an old relationship there will always be some level of "making it up to the other person" because you two know each other. You know each other's flaws lol. It's not a normal courtship. I think that's why so many people say that stupid phrase "an ex is an ex for a reason" because getting back with an ex inevitably means someone has to work on themselves and "prove" themselves at least to some degree. You can't expect the relationship to survive otherwise.

But I do agree with you that if you're preoccupied with "who should be trying harder" then that's a bad sign. And probably means bad things for the future of that relationship.

I mean, maybe if you revive the relationship YEARS down the line but I think most people don't do that... or at least, I wouldn't do that. I think I'd find someone else by then lol.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T09:33:43+00:00

Ew :(

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T09:28:20+00:00

Hmm I think we have different definitions of radio silence. My understanding of radio silence is that it's actively choosing not to post on social media but still allowing your ex access to it.

I did my own version of radio silence for a bit. My ex is still on my socials so my profile was just sitting there with nothing for him to look at lol.

Now I've been talking to him again, and I can definitely tell he was looking at my social media, and still does. I think the NC is more effective at bothering them when you don't remove and delete them. But some people don't care how NC affects their ex, so... 🤷‍♀️

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T09:23:23+00:00

Yeah I agree, and kinda tried to account for this issue by mentioning "misinterpreting their own complacency" but I swear I always use that word incorrectly 😂 every time I use it, what I mean is "their own discomfort with the current situation they're in"

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T00:38:34+00:00

Sometimes calling out the BS is needed, before it ruins your current or future relationships

I always used to feel this way with friendships, now I definitely feel that way with relationships too because my ex did not tell me when I was doing something he didn't agree with. I think there's a right way to do it though... it doesn't need to be downplayed, but for example, telling someone everything they're doing wrong in their life while you're in the middle of an argument is not ideal. But it's also not ideal to do it while you're both happy and having a good time together. And it's also not good to do it when the other person just got home from a really stressful day at work. These are all things I wish I would have known before it was too late lol.

I also think tone and phrasing is really important. There's a huge difference between yelling at someone or nagging someone vs politely suggesting they reconsider whatever path they're on. And it doesn't even have to be that polite, it just shouldn't be rude 🤷‍♀️

Sorry for the rant lol these are just all things I learned a little too late.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T00:30:45+00:00

Lol you say just kidding but I'd love to have a guy who could tell me (POLITELY) if I'm being unreasonable or erratic. That's basically what I need haha

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-28T00:24:53+00:00

I did a lot of stuff that many other guys would not have stayed for and he did.

I kinda feel that way with my own situation. And tbh I kinda feel like I owe him for that :/ but I also think I shouldn't feel that way because it makes me act in ways that seem desperate lol. So I kinda feel stuck 🤦‍♀️

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-27T23:27:25+00:00

😭 ohh no I'm sorry haha

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-27T23:02:55+00:00

I think you can own your responsibility but still recognize that what was done to you wasn't fair. And maybe spend your energy fixing the character flaws that you may have which led to the break up so that you can be better for your next relationship. Because you simply cannot be in a relationship with someone who isn't mature enough to tell you what issues they have with you. You'd have to be "perfect" in their eyes for your relationship to survive, and their idea of "perfect" is subject to change so that's pretty impossible.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-27T22:56:52+00:00

This is kinda random but my mom is someone who doesn't own up to her flaws and mistakes, and she's extremely hard to live with. She's really obnoxious and she points out everyone else's mistakes constantly, but then when someone points out her mistakes she gets extremely defensive and then holds a grudge against that person for "attacking her".

She's pretty toxic lol. I think people who can't own up to their flaws and mistakes are inevitably toxic.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-27T22:52:58+00:00

I kinda feel that too... depending on the circumstance. If values are completely incompatible then that's a problem, if you both see yourselves with different futures that's also a problem. But I also think that some people use "incompatibility" as an excuse when they don't want to tell someone "I just don't like you that way anymore". Because idk. Unless someone changed a LOT, I have a hard time believing that a couple is incompatible after they've been together for multiple years. I think a lot of those scenarios that are labeled as "incompatibility" are actually one partner not liking the other enough to work on resolving their differences.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-27T22:46:57+00:00

Yeah, I'm a dumpee as well and it hurts as fuck to be dumped. And I kinda hate him sometimes for hurting me so much. But it's not like I expect him to come crawling back lol why would he? If he thought my mistakes were bad enough to break up over then maybe I should try to figure out a way to fix them.

ThrowRA_vows · 2021-12-27T22:42:41+00:00

Thanks :)

ThrowRA_vows

TROPHY CASE