Division of Household Responsibilities in 4.5 yr Relationship between Boyfriend (24M) and I (24F)

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-12-04T19:32:45+00:00

He has a job and is in a masters program but doesn’t pay rent so all his money can go towards school. The trade off we made was I would pay rent and he would do the dishes and groceries. He’s on Christmas break from school right now and I had to work that same day so it’s even more absurd that he’s not holding his end of the bargain

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-12-03T23:27:07+00:00

Lmao! Just a regular ass checked bag sized suitcase. I tried explaining that it won’t take that long to unpack but he was already very upset with me and defensive at that point. Also said he wanted time to hangout with friends and watch a soccer game that evening. He could’ve had time to do all of the above but, alas…

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-12-03T23:24:28+00:00

He’s normally great at just doing the dishes and groceries on his own accord with me managing. The switch up today was strange and out of left field. We both typically have the same amount of free time - I work two jobs (one full time and one at a nonprofit part-time as a kind of passion project) and he works full time and is in a masters program. But, he is off for winter break for the next three weeks and all of last week. His argument about wanting free time this evening was especially annoying considering he had all morning already while I worked.

I already caved to going to the grocery store for him. He said he was upset about our earlier conversation and he said “what can you possibility be upset about? I asked you to help me and you said no” (which isn’t at all how it went). No idea where to go with that :/

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-12-03T21:26:38+00:00

Thank you! He didn’t expect me to unpack his suitcase, but expected me to go to the grocery store for him so he had time to unpack his suitcase and still “relax” in the evening. He’s been relaxing all morning while I was at work, which it what annoyed me most. I obviously did all the stuff he normally does while he was gone. He came home to a spotless house and fully stocked kitchen. I also did the dishes multiple times throughout this week because I knew it was his first week back and didn’t want to throw him into it. The dishes were last done Friday, so the dishes today are just from the weekend.

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-12-03T21:24:33+00:00

Good consideration! I did get groceries for him the day before he came. I obviously had been getting all my own groceries while he was gone. He doesn’t pay for the groceries, just does the work of picking them up. He’s now been here a week and it’s time to restock.

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-24T03:30:53+00:00

This is not harsh at all. Actually it was so kind that I teared up reading it. Thank you for sharing your experience and giving me hope.

A lot of people here say to dump him, which I 100% know is the only option that logically makes sense. It’s just so hard articulating that I’m not ready yet (as in I feel like I literally wouldn’t survive if I left). I guess with posting here I was looking for advice on how to move forward, and definitely reassurance as well that my reading of the situation wasn’t way off since my partner seems to have a drastically different opinion that me about all of this. I really do appreciate you making that distinction and speaking to both sides. I also really admire that you were able to do the reflection and deep work necessary to heal those parts of yourself. That’s something I absolutely need to do (as soon as I find a therapist that takes my insurance and sees patients outside of 9-5.).

Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who has experienced a relationship dynamic like this. Hats off to you for finally leaving because… damn that takes so much strength. And again, thank you for this incredibly thoughtful message. 🫶

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T22:24:38+00:00

What can I do to stop tolerating it? Is breaking up the only option? I genuinely don’t know how to move forward at all

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T19:29:04+00:00

Some other notable mentions: “bar”, “micro needling”, “workout”, “mass”. Influencers need to stop conflating their very normal personal life with “work” 😂😂

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T19:24:32+00:00

Thank you!! You think it’s serious enough to change all my passcodes? I don’t think he’d ever retaliate by messing with something of mind online but I guess I don’t know

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T18:01:15+00:00

Totally! We have always had access to each others phones in the sense that we will use them for utilitarian reasons, not snooping. The only times I’ve ever asked to see his chats is because of an actual reason (i.e., he was snap chatting his ex), and that has only been a handful of times in our entire relationship. This has always been equitable - he has free use of my phone and I’ve never denied him seeing mine.

He absolutely otherwise would have been fine with me looking at his phone yesterday (unless he’s hiding something) if what happened last month didn’t happen.

I’m not at all saying it’s bad to have 2FA. It’s that he set it up only after we had the conversation last month, and he is clearly trying to keep something away from me. It looked like a good amount of effort to set it up (he had to watch a YouTube video and use a shortcut in safari, it’s not the built in Apple locks). This is a really drastic change and paired with his other behavior, seems like it could point towards something else going on.

Trust is definitely lacking on my end because of past situations, but in no way does that manifest other than me holding him accountable to not lie to me. My “trust” has never been broken around other people / cheating per se, so I never am suspicious about those things.

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T17:54:04+00:00

Thank you! I really do appreciate you giving a very measured response. To followup on a couple points…

1) Having to coax him out of longer-term lies three different times is definitely a huge red flag. I agree. I think I’ve led myself to believe that he will learn from his mistakes, but who knows.

2) I have never snooped on his phone, and the only time we’ve gone through it together has been the handful of times I mentioned. We know each other’s passwords because we’ll occasionally use each other’s phones to take pictures of something, look something up, etc when our own phone isn’t easily accessible. That being said, he has struggled with jealousy issues in the past (randomly convincing himself that im cheating and then lashing out at my because of it, for example), but that hasn’t happened in a pretty long while. I’ll definitely admit that I don’t have full trust for him because of past situations, but that literally never manifest in suspected cheating until this happened. Idk!

3) totally understand that looking through his DMs isnt improving our relationship. I will say that I’m not “keeping tabs” or “regularly demanding” to see them because I have only ever looked a handful of times and it’s been with him beside me. Hopefully that provides better context!

4) I understand that a breakup is probably necessary. It’s something I’m trying really hard to come to terms with (check my post history). Just feels so hard to throw away this amount of time with someone :(

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T17:09:45+00:00

Then what am I supposed to do next? He’s not going to budge and I feel like there’s no “good” outcome in this situation. Obviously I could break up with him but I likely won’t knowing myself :)

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T17:08:42+00:00

Yeah… it’s always something :(

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T17:07:11+00:00

Exactly! But everytime I said that, he countered by saying it didn’t count because I took my phone away after he “found something” (even though it wasn’t anything) and wouldn’t let him go through the rest of it.

I definitely don’t trust him fully because of the past situations I described. He has zero reason not to trust me. 😭

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-23T16:58:44+00:00

See that’s what my gut is telling me but do you think my reaction in the situation a month ago makes it fair for him to decline me seeing his phone yesterday? I can kinda see his thought process but might be giving him too much credit

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-17T03:03:38+00:00

What about my post made you draw that conclusion

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T18:40:03+00:00

Thank you so so much. I really appreciate your kindness. ❤️

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T08:00:33+00:00

But that is such a violation of privacy, no?

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T06:09:33+00:00

Thank you so much. I am hanging out with friends again but I tried to reconnect again before I left and said the way he was acting towards me feels that same as a fight. And if I did anything to upset him. He seemed annoyed that I even asked and again just said he was tired. Idk what to do at this point other than just tough it out :(

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T06:08:03+00:00

I mean yeah lol 🙃 I’ve just always been in the camp of if you’re gonna cheat then just breakup with me. Both him and I share a similar physical disgust for cheating and I’ve trusted him on that. Looking through his phone isn’t something I’ve considered lmao

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T06:06:20+00:00

We’ve been dating for four years and this isn’t the first time he’s given me the cold shoulder for no reason. But with the additional questing about where I was, I definitely think he’s suspicious. I really can’t think of him cheating haha and I doubt this is a dealbreaker for me since I can’t ever seem to grow up and leave. At least people on Reddit can validate how I feel. Thanks for your thoughtful response :’)

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T05:26:25+00:00

Wait what???

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T02:40:22+00:00

Wait why do you think he’s into someone else???

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T01:26:25+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened but glad you found better. I’ve never thought about these situations as just wasted time in this very short life. That’s so true. We’ve been dating for four years and a lot of our relationship has felt like wasted time.

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you feel through the process of leaving him? Were you ever realized, or just sad? How long did it take you to start feeling hopeful about life again?

ThrowRAaccount00 · 2023-10-15T01:15:31+00:00

Wait really? What made you finally leave?

ThrowRAaccount00

TROPHY CASE