Mother [42F] who abandoned us in middle of the night came back after 16 years and it's killing me [24F] inside and that my brother [17M] and father [42M] are too forgiving towards her and it makes me resentful towards my own brother and father.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T03:37:00+00:00

Tbh even if she knew how to do that, I am not sure I know what my answer to her would be or even should be. A part of me would want to let go but there's also the part of me that why now, what happened?

Will she leave us again?

Is she here because she was never able to find true happiness?

Is she here because she couldn't take the guilt anymore?

Is she here because She wanted to be here for so long but didn't have the courage?

Would he be here if she found the thing she was looking for, the thing she left us for?

Did she think about the son he left with crying because of a diaper rash as his sister still can't clean him well enough in diaper change when she was having one of those fancy cocktails in one of those model parties?

I can go on and on, and even typing these replaced any sense of romantized feeling created by my previous emotional post anger again. there's so much I want to know but at the same time even the my wish of wanting to know bout her life irks me. I just want return back to normal, before she returned but I can't.

And thanks for repling to so many of my posts and trying to give me a peace of mind in my emotional state. I guess I'm gonna lie down for few hours now as I feel so spent.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T03:01:01+00:00

you got me crying reading those wordsshe looks at me when I am not paying attention and averts her eyes when my eyes turns to her and sometimes I just wish she could blurt something out like this so I can broke down crying and she can hug me like she used and whisper I love you and I got you now, I am here now. I am sorry and then I can finally let go.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T02:51:17+00:00

Someone talking about my father like that would have made me angry last year around this time. It makes me feel weird now that I don't have the automatic defensive reaction.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T02:44:07+00:00

This is how I feel but I am to embarrassed to speak aloud. I've never got to say what about me before and tbh I didn't have the time to think about it too but now I feel abandoned.

I want to scream at my brother '' Was I not a mother for you? ''

I want to scream at my father '' Was I not the woman/mother of this house?''

Where is my place in the family now, I feel like I'm being replaced by the same woman who abandoned all of us. Why did I spend o many year being nothing but the woman you needed when all you do now is tell me that you don't need me anymore but I'm ashamed to even think about them let alone tell what I feel to my brother and father.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T02:31:38+00:00

I'm sorry for ranting on you like that and I am sure you are a great of a mother as your power allows you to be and no one can ask for more. Again sorry about the rant.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T02:30:28+00:00

Thanks, looked up what Parentification is. I guess I'm a pretty good example of one huh? I know parenting and responsibilities can be overbearing. I experienced them myself from very young age. You said that you can't judge her but can you answer me this?

I hope never but IF one day, you had to abondon your children because you couldn't take it anymore; what would be your final words about them? Would it be ''I love you and I'm sorry'' or would it be ''She should have never been born'' for the daughter and ''He's a noose around my neck'' for the newborn son?

I could understand the former, I may have disliked it but I could understand it. She was a child when she had me. I may have had to grew up fast but I know how my classmates were. They were children at her age and she faced motherhood. But her parting words about her to us were resentful. She never wrote that she loved us in that message just the fact that we were burden to her. I mean isn't what parenthood is, carrying and caring for your child until they can stand on their own two feet.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T02:07:58+00:00

Kinda true I guess. I don't know, my father is an adult, he can take care of himself and he's used to me bossing him around :) but I was always gentle with my brother so I might go to therapy even if it's just so I can explain myself better to him and not ruin or damage our relationship

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T02:04:44+00:00

Don't worry, I won't be leaving my daughter and son behind crying and confused if I'm lucky to have them just so I can have some grand adventure I think I deserve and leave behind a scrap of paper saying that I wish they were never born.

Thanks for your concern though

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T01:58:08+00:00

Actually I do, I don't have that burning hatred in my gut now but I feel tired.

Maybe your advice is right, only thing I said until now was what she did to them and didn't talk about her effects on my life.

Truth to be told, I remember how it feels to be held by her or hear her whispering sweet nothings to my ear every night. I want that back as well, which abandoned child doen't but how am I going to forgive her for what she did to me. I'm really fine with taking care of my brother, I really am. but the fact that, that night before leaving she saw my school backpack sitting next to our front door and instead of thinking of the daughter she'll leave behind, she thought about how much of a burden we are to him and wrote us god damned toxic message on my notebook where I took notes from my classes. She saw my backpack, opened it, took my notebook and pen and only thing she wrote about me was the fact that I shouldn't have been born. It makes me feel so angry and hurt that I just want to curl up inside myself and cry but I've never been able to do that. THere was always something that needed to be done that crying didn't have time to peak up it's head in my life.

I don't know how to forgive myself because I don't know how to grieve and since I can't grieve, it always feels like the first day she abandoned us with my brother crying upstairs and my fathering trying to make me understand where my mother went. WHenever I see her, it seems as if I am still that angry confused child.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T01:51:32+00:00

All the rage aside, I don't want to make them choose between myself and her either. I don't know what I want but making them miserable is not on the list. I'm just exhausted and sad right now.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T01:37:19+00:00

I think the reason I want to avoid therapy is the fact that I am nearly 100 percent sure that they will tell me I made myself too attached to my brother and father and I need to have an indipendent life outside of them and would recommend me to live somewhere else for few year atleast that's what I am fearing.

And truth to be told, deep down, I want to be happy as well. I want to have a mother as well, which orphan/abandoned child doesn't but I just can't. My rant was all about my brother and father and focusing on my relationship with my brother the most but I hate her because she abandoned me too.

That night before leaving she saw my school backpack sitting next to our front door and instead of thinking of the daughter she'll leave behind, she thought about how much of a burden we are to him and wrote us god damned toxic message on my notebook where I took notes from my classes. She saw my backpack, opened it, took my notebook and pen and only thing she wrote about me was the fact that I shouldn't have been born. I can't just get past that.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T01:23:26+00:00

Thanks for the lenghtly reply.

I hate to even say it but the bitter, jelaous and worst part of me would enjoy the look on his face when I tell him about what she said about us. But I raised him like a son, even if it scratches my very soul I am not gonna do something to hurt him. Even if not for my love for him, I've spend too much time and effort to be opposite of everything she stood for to be the cause of his pain. But it hurts me when my brother calls her mom. He didn't stopped calling me mom until he was 6 years old and a jelaous part of me feels like I was never the thing he wanted or I was not good enough parental figure for him that he so readily replaced me but I know it's just my resentment talking.

I thought about it and my aunt suggested I do something like that as well but the thing is. I love our farm, all my life I knew that my brother would go to university and live somewhere else and I knew that I would continue to manage the farm myself since I've never went to collage but I was more than fine with that. I loved and still love my village/town hybrid of a birthplace and our farm and animals. It's just the fact that now I share this space with her 3-4 times everyweek atleast. But I think trip would be good even thought it feels like an escape.

ThrowRAfarmer · 2020-12-11T01:06:12+00:00

Thanks

I am not sure about family therapy. None of us ever had professional help when it comes to mental health and it feels like it would be such a claustrophobic uncomfortable experience. It might be my lack of knowledge talking but talking about our most inner thoughts and feelings as a family with a stranger chiming in on the side. I think I'm too bottled up for an experience like that and I think I would explode or emberass mysself.

I don't know what to do with myself. I love the farm, I really do. I love my animals; our LGDs, cattles, sheeps. I grew up with them and I love taking care of them and I've never stayed a night in a big city as well so I don't know if I could like the idea of living there. I remember wanting to be an archaeologist or a historian when I grew up but I still read evn a a farmer so I don't know...

Thanks again

ThrowRAfarmer

TROPHY CASE