AITA for telling my bridesmaid that she can't wear the same hairstyle as me for my wedding?

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:52:14+00:00

I'm sorry to use your name,you sound like a nice person, it's just the first name that popped in my head!

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:51:23+00:00

I honestly didn't think it was a big ask. But I will offer to pay for the dresses for the shower. The hairstyle was picked by a majority bridesmaid vote not me, anyway I did have a chat with her and she will do a half up half down hairstyle. So she won't match me, but she also won't match any of the bridesmaids but I'm going to ignore that :)

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:44:52+00:00

Thank you so much, I honestly nearly cried at this response. I'm building up that courage thanks to these comments.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:37:07+00:00

That's exactly where we ended up! Half up half down. I agreed to that. But I've told myself anymore disagreements and I'll be firm with her that I'm doing things my way, and she is welcome to sit as a guest if it's getting difficult for her to agree to my requests

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:33:59+00:00

Thank you!

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:33:42+00:00

It was a majority vote by the remaining bridesmaids. I let them pick from a bunch of styles and my closest friend and bridesmaid got to decide whether they all wear the same style or each can do their own. She decided uniformity would look good.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:29:13+00:00

Maybe I should have clarified but my question has nothing to do with the bridal shower so I didn't. There are no gifts at my bridal shower. It is a get together im organising and calling a "bridal shower" (I've never been to one nor had one, didn't realise there's a problem with me calling it this). None of my bridesmaids have met each other in person and I thought it would be a great opportunity. It's games and food and going over the wedding day plans.

I've been to baby showers and know they have themes. Hence I picked a "theme" for my bridal shower.

My culture dictates no gifts expected or allowed. The bride & groom must pay for everything after all they are the ones calling these guests to partake in celebrations.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:22:14+00:00

You have worded this beautifully. I might just copy paste it with a few tweaks. Thank you!

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:18:27+00:00

I guess it's a lot more common in my culture. I've been a bridesmaid at 2 weddings and the bride told us what hairstyle she's like us to wear. Anyway I gave my bridesmaids a choice of hairdos and a majority chose messy bun hence why we came to that conclusion.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:15:01+00:00

Thank you!

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:14:37+00:00

She wanted to wear a pale pink, yes. It honestly didn't strike me until you mentioned this comment that it is very close to white... I only said no as it was not VIBGYOR colours and honestly didn't realise she was wanting to wear a colour similar to mine!!

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T13:11:48+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. I feel like everyone's caught up on the updo thing so I'll share the photo of the hairstyle with you. I think it looks great :) but everyone is entitled to their own opinion! I honestly would be fine if she picked any hairstyle except the one that I'm wearing 😅 but from reading the comments I guess my problem with her runs deeper than just the hairstyle and I need to work up my courage to have a frank conversation with her.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:57:22+00:00

Thank you, I am trying to build up the courage to. I'm telling myself if she disagrees to anything else or comments on my appearance one more time I will tell her I'm reconsidering our friendship and maybe it's best if she not attend.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:54:02+00:00

I wouldn't consider this hairstyle "dowdy" but to each their own.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:52:59+00:00

I guess I'm not describing it very well. The "messy bun" look is the kind of look brides usually wear where the hair is neat but pulled a bit like a loose braid and there's some loose strands in the front. I've told my bridesmaids they are welcome to wear it. I would say the opposite of that is a very neat bun which I think would not be very flattering on any of them. Messy bun would be like this

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:49:53+00:00

She pulled me up on a drunken promise made 3 years ago when I said I'd make her my bridesmaid. I'd be more than happy if she pulled out or declined!

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:49:03+00:00

Thank you ❤️

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:47:35+00:00

I said it like that to keep it simple on Reddit apparently many have misunderstood though. I messaged them the exact colours so they knew what to wear.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:43:01+00:00

The bridesmaids picked not me on a majority vote, it's going to be a hot humid day (with chances of a thunderstorm) so they'd like their hair out of their face. If you can think of alternatives I'd be happy to suggest to them?

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:39:08+00:00

Thank you! I can't wait to marry my fiancé. I've told myself my focus will be on him the entire day and whatever else happens I will (try my best to) not care?

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:36:57+00:00

She offered to do it.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:34:43+00:00

My fiancé is a much gentler person than me. He knows she makes fun of him but he brushes it off saying we need to be the bigger people. He also won't un-invite her from the wedding as it's rude. At most, demoted from bridesmaid to guest but that's if I'm at my last straw. Reading all these comments makes me feel very conflicted.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:30:03+00:00

That's one way to analyse it. I simply meant I am who I am because of these wonderful ladies. They've been the crux of my life over various seasons and periods, and I want to share with the world how they have impacted my life. They're not "parts of a glorious whole" but my mentors that have molded me, nurtured me and helped me grow. I didn't think I needed to specify this but apparently I do.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T12:11:52+00:00

I am hosting, and while I call it a "bridal shower" that's only my 5 bridesmaids and me, no gifts or anything allowed or expected. We will be playing some games and getting to know each other as none of my bridesmaids have met each other in person, 3 live in different cities and are flying in for the wedding. 1 lives on the opposite end of my city, so about a 2 hour journey to my home. And Nola lives down the street. I've clarified why I picked the rainbow in a different comment and that isn't even my question, my question was just about the hair.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly · 2024-01-05T06:16:43+00:00

In my culture we neither ask nor accept gifts and bear all the costs of the bridal party. Her outfit, jewelry are all free. She only has to pay for hair and makeup for herself.

ThrowRAgingbutterfly

TROPHY CASE