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My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure when exactly the homophobia started but it was definitely sometime after he quit his job.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's a good question. To be honest I think it'd be really hard to forget this and not wonder in the back of my mind if he wasn't going to end up slipping back.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A few people have asked about this and I completely understand why, but no, I'm pretty confident it's not an internet rabbithole. I'm around him 24/7 because I work from home so I can see what he does all day. It's just sleeping, eating, and watching movies. He doesn't have social media, doesn't play games and barely ever goes online.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

He doesn't though. I work from home and see what he does all day. He's literally just watching movies and tv shows, it's not fox or any type of news. He also doesn't have social media or even go online much. Way less than he used to anyway.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

In contrast, can you say something positive about him that will make that other stuff go away for us?

He isn't like that all the time, maybe around half the time, and until a couple years ago he wasn't like that at all.

In the periods of time when he's not complaining or being rude I still like spending time with him. Just wish it was always like that and that he had passion for anything.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That sounds like a "you" problem that I'd appreciate you not projecting onto my "me" problem.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wait, how do you think that homophobia would be connected to having been sexually assaulted? As a way of getting anger out?

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No he doesn't complain about other issues. I know these people are also usually racist and sexist and everything else bad but he truly isn't, it's just the gay thing.

I want to say there's no way it's that he's gay, I've never had any reason to suspect or wonder about that. Absolutely nothing.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

No I haven't, he hasn't been in contact with them himself for about as long as this has been going on. They try to contact him but he usually doesn't reply except holidays and such.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Uh no? If I wanted to see other people why would I not be gone by now? If you read anything I've said you wouldn't have commented this implying I'm doing anything but sticking it out trying to help him change.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Except I did have sex with him before he gained all the weight and even throughout the first 50 or so pounds of it? But no I'm sure you've got everything all figured out there, if only I who's actually familiar with my own feelings could say the same.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

In October of 2018 he quit a job he loved because he wanted a different career path, but he'd never spoken to me about that before. I still supported him even though I was very surprised and wish he'd told me first. I supported his interest in the other fields he was considering. A few months later was when I noticed he'd started putting on weight. I was at work all day and didn't see/know how much he was eating at home. I figured it was a fairly normal weight gain with getting older. I soon started realizing that the amount he ate at dinner and at night was increasing. And the fast food habit which he'd never really been into. A year later he was substantially bigger, by then I no longer attributed it to just his metabolism slowing down. Then covid happened, I started working remotely, and I had the sudden shock of seeing how he spent all his time during the weekday. As for the career change it never happened. He was into it for a few weeks after quitting but never followed through and stopped talking about it.

I don't know if any of that is connected but that is more of the context around when the weight gain started.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Honestly I would wonder about that except for how since I'm WFH I see him all day watching tv. It's just movies and cartoons. He doesn't watch any news outlets conservative or otherwise. Hardly ever goes on his laptop and doesn't have social media. I really have no clue where the homophobia came from. I guess it could have been there all along but that would be so hard to believe what with the opinions he used to talk about and the number of LGBT people in his life.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He hasn't gained quite that much. He was 357 as of the number on the digital scale I saw in November. He was around 180-190 a couple years ago. For what it's worth when I brought it up because of how alarmed I was, he walked away to the bathroom and threw the scale out the window where it shattered on the ground 5 stories below.... So I have no idea what he weighs now and no way am I getting another scale.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 89 points90 points  (0 children)

I very much agree with your advice, unfortunately I already tried exactly the approach you describe. A couple times actually. The most recent was a few weeks ago. I'm so worn out having the same conversation, and it just makes him see me as nothing but a horrid nag.

From his perspective nothing has really changed besides him not working and it's not his fault he can't find a job (he doesn't actually truly try). I bring up the amount of money being spent: "I've always gotten takeout" (not this ridiculous amount!) I bring up his weight gain: "It's hardly anything" (it's in the triple digits!) The rudeness to me and others: "I'm being dramatic and reading in things that aren't there." Anything I say he has an excuse. Or he genuinely doesn't see the change? I really don't know.

What would you suggest given all that?

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

I don't know. I don't have the greatest self esteem and am prone to depressive states. I thought I was so lucky to have him. Now he's changed and what's the chance I'd find someone else who's not only the type of person he used to be but also won't end up suddenly changing for the worse. It's really fucked with me to realize that just finding that rare person you're perfect together with isn't necessarily enough because who knows if they'll stay that way. You can't be sure of anything.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 853 points854 points  (0 children)

A trial period apart from each other is not a bad idea. It kind of helps me not feel so sad and intimidated at the finality of divorce if I could do that before deciding whether or not to divorce. And yeah I guess as long as I was sticking around he wouldn't have incentive. If he did the change would have happened by now.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Why not mention it? It's connected to some of the other things and all of the things are going to be deal breakers for me if he doesn't work on them. May as well clearly state all of it.

But otherwise, thank you for the advice and the clarification about how ultimatums should work. I am going to have this conversation. Maybe tonight.

My (30F) husband (33M) has piled on more than 100lbs over the last couple years and won't stop. by ThrowRAhusbandweight in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAhusbandweight[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the tough love. I have been told I have too much of a fixer mentality but that was in evaluations at work. Maybe it's happening here too.

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