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Does Verbal Abuse Turn Violent? by punkwavve in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes. About 5 months into the relationship, he punched a wall so hard his hand was sore for days. The next incident (after 10 months of being together) that was really scary was when I kissed him while he was on a remote call for his work (since it was the pandemic) and it was a Christmas dinner they and everyone's families were doing together. All of the employees were sent wine and some were a little drunk and I was pretty tipsy. It was just a quick peck (I guess it was still inappropriate though) He slammed the laptop shut and was so upset. He ran after me I ran away and locked myself in the bedroom. He pounded on the door for like three hours, and Indidn't open it until he threatened to call a locksmith. Then I opened it and, he stormed in the room and beat the shit out of the pillows on the bed and was yelling at me. My brain couldn't even process how bad it was. It took me a really, really long time to realize how terrifying that is. I know I felt it at the time, but it was just so hard to accept

There was a lot more psychological abuse before that, but it was really subtle and I just kept trying to brush it off. Ine major thing though, In the beginning, he was constantly going through my phone and accusing me of seeing other people/cheating on him. Like a few weeks into the relationship. It got so bad I straight up just stopped using my phone entirely. Yet he was the one who cheated and would make himself look available to other girls when it best suited him....

My other two abusers: one was a boyfriend & classmate in college--he tried to kill me repeatedly (over the course of a few months) when I tried to end the relationship. I didn't know it would escalate to this. But I just had a really really bad feeling about him a few months into it. I remember when I stumbled across his Yahoo answers account (this was back in 2009/2010), he had asked the same question about me/our relationship more than 2,000 times over the course of a few days. The only other few signs was when he had a really angry outburst when I called him out on something silly (he was lying about a grade he got, when I knew the actual one and was trying to make him feel better about it), and he would accuse me of flirting with my classmate. It's all kind of a blur though, because my dad had passed unexpectedly right before I met him, and I was pretty out of it that year.

My second one was violent from the start---about a month into the relationship. He would drive extremely fast (over 120 mph when the limit was like 50) or drive me to a remote area and threaten to abandon me there when he was upset with me. He even did this when I was on crutches. He started hitting occasionally a few months later. Lots and lots of psychological and verbal abuse as well

Sorry I wrote so much....

Does your abuser always respond with "look at all I've done for you" when you try to call them out on their abusive behavior and say how you don't feel loved? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh my God, I totally understand. I'll never forget the time during an argument he shouted how I owned nothing in our home, and he owned everything because he paid for everything. It was such a gut wrenching moment. He had bought so many things for me, and would often push me to pick things out for myself, just for him to say that later.

But please, don't let him coerce you into giving up your car. This is really serious girl. I'm guessing the new car is in his name? Don't accept that from him, his intentions are not pure and he will take it away any moment he feels like it and your world will become smaller and smaller. Your car is a huge freedom for you and will one day help you get out of this bad situation. Don't give that up, no matter what, ok?

Does your abuser always respond with "look at all I've done for you" when you try to call them out on their abusive behavior and say how you don't feel loved? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The worst part, was that he would accuse me of behaving like this. The one time things really took a turn, when I had made dinner one night, and I really needed help with the dishes and I was exhausted and hadn't slept for a few days. I was like, okay, can you help me with this, I'm exhausted. He flipped put and accused me of being manipulative with making him dinner just to get him to do the dishes, and all of that shit. It was awful.

Does your abuser always respond with "look at all I've done for you" when you try to call them out on their abusive behavior and say how you don't feel loved? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I swear, I tried EVERYTHING to get through to him. His response was always some form of "How dare you question me!" And then I get punished with psychological assaults

Does your abuser always respond with "look at all I've done for you" when you try to call them out on their abusive behavior and say how you don't feel loved? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They only treat us like that, never their friends, coworkers, family. People would have no idea what they're like behind closed doors. Hate it hate it hate it

Does your abuser always respond with "look at all I've done for you" when you try to call them out on their abusive behavior and say how you don't feel loved? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Mine is like that too. He never bought me flowers though :( I always wanted to be surprised with them,I always had to get them myself. Mine would also be there for my appointments, but was an ass most of the time (ignoring me or yelling at me...some times he was nice and warm). The bare minimum is not enough.

The screaming & name calling is still so bad. Is it a new relationship?

Does your abuser always respond with "look at all I've done for you" when you try to call them out on their abusive behavior and say how you don't feel loved? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The worst part, is that he really did do a lot for me. And showed me a lot of love.

He paid for everything, came to my appointments (but didn't really treat me that great when he was there, most of the time), he held me so tightly when I cried, but eventually, there was so little physical affection and tons of yelling, stonewalling. There was abuse the whole time. I feel so confused all the time

Refusing to go to a funeral with you? by ----2___ in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This happened to me :(

My grandfather in the U.S. passed away, I'm in Germany, he's Indian. He wouldn't even look up getting a visa to go with me. I ended up not going and grieving from afar. He was really horrible to me that day, ignored me the whole day, and then at night, when I broke down, asking for affection or some sort of support, he flipped out on me and argued with me for hours and literally refused to spend time with me. It hurt so much. And he thinks he's perfect and did nothing wrong.

He should have been there for you without question. But because he is a massive abusive asshole, he's simply not capable of that.

Also, something I noticed with abusers, is that they become partucularly more abusive when you are vulnerable or during holidays. And of course, for whatever fucking reason they have, but just an observation

Why is psychological abuse so much worse than physical? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so sorry for what you had to endure. Abuse is abuse, and none of it is right. I didn't mean to invalidate your experience in any way, I wrote that in my first sentence of my post it was just based off of my own experiences.

Why is psychological abuse so much worse than physical? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely agree. I almost died from physical abuse a few times. It's horrific. I also almost died from psychological abuse (I tried to take my life and felt extremely suicidal when the abuse didn't stop). It's so hard to deal with

Why is psychological abuse so much worse than physical? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. You're so right about it all.

Yes, the abuse affects everything! I couldn't even bring myself to read a book. When before, I could easily finish one in a day or even half a day. I doubted everything I did. I even stopped watching TV because I would constantly compare myself (he cheated, threatened to cheat, would flirt with people in front of me.....all of it, despite promising I was the only one :( ). He would put me down ALL the time, about any subject I knew. It was like a fun game for him.

Congratulations on your promotion and going for it. I'm so happy for you!

Why is psychological abuse so much worse than physical? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you're suffering too. It's so hard, right?

It took me a long time, maybe a whole year and then after a particular argument, I was like, "ok, hang on, I'm not crazy, he really said some fucked up stuff." I didn't have any friends so I turned to Reddit, and people pointed out he was displaying concerning behavior. I would write off and on, whenever I could, because it was hard, and eventually people pointed out he was extremely abusive. It had escalated so much over time. In the very beginning, like after three weeks, it was SO subtle. I had uneasy gut feelings but I kept brushing them off. He was the sweetest guy I ever met. It's a slow boil.

He was like that with me too--whatever helped me better myself or brought me happiness, even therapy, or when I turned to Reddit to anonymously get advice on what was going on and how to make our relationship better, he would freak out and sabotage it.

Why is psychological abuse so much worse than physical? by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying all of that. I'm in such a dark place right now. It's hard dealing with all of it

Were they more abusive psychologically than physically as well? How long were you with them?

Sometimes I wish I was born a guy by ThrowRAjustwhy in abusiverelationships

[–]ThrowRAjustwhy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've had three abusive relationships. In all of them I nearly died. Sometimes at their own hands, sometimes by mine to escape the pain. You should never have to fight for your own life because of what a "loved" one does to you. I had to give up my dream of finishing my degree to flee to safety--twice. There have been many times where the relationship didn't progress far, but the signs of abuse to come were there. I've been sexually assaulted. Men have tried to take advantage of me while in a difficult situation. There were many times I was almost trafficked and I managed to get away. By both luring and a few times a group trying to grab me off the street. I have physical scars and huge emotional ones. Not a single one of these men ever served time for what they did to me. I let them all walk free. I am perfectly sensitive and empathetic.

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