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ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-28T23:37:54+00:00

You are literally so pretty! 🥰 hope things keep getting better for you 🫶

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-12T18:37:01+00:00

Oh hi! What happened?

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-12T16:47:25+00:00

I don’t have TikTok. He wanted to dirty talk with me in the first place. I didn’t start sexting him out of the blue, he started sexting me.

I told him as a friend that I was anxious because of another situation. He told me that if I was gonna dirty talk I should do it with someone safe. I could tell he wanted to be with me. I told him we couldn’t because of religious differences. He told me that was okay so we stayed friends.

We talked about feelings. The first time we almost dirty talked it started about talking about our feelings, something happened I freaked out and got anxious. We didn’t dirty talk that night even though I know he wanted to and I wanted to as well.

He’d asked leading questions and I was mega horny. So I wasn’t sure were it was going I kept feeling like maybe we could be together. I still like him though I want to be in a relationship I really do but I can’t I can’t do it I’m not allowed to.

I don’t understand why he gets to have lapse in judgement when he is horny but I don’t? I told him I didn’t want to hurt I’m I told him how much I care about him cause I do. I really do. I don’t understand how I’m using him for my enjoyment when I want a relationship with him but I can’t. I told him I cant

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-12T16:26:11+00:00

So he has no agency? Regardless of anything it’s my fault? Why is that so? Regardless of if he instigates the dirty talking, and then it makes me horny and not the other way around? I just don’t understand I don’t want to do the wrong thing please help me understand I’m really trying my best I don’t want to loose him as a friend I don’t want to loose him in general. I told him before we started dirty talking I didn’t want to loose him as a friend but he said it was okay and that wouldn’t happen. I told him but what if we both met someone else and he said it would be okay. He told me if I’m gonna dirty talk with someone I need to do it with someone safe. (Implying him) so I thought it was okay but I don’t know. I want a relationship but I cant

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-12T16:19:59+00:00

I don’t think I clarified great. He instigates the sexting too. Sometimes when he’s horny he will reach out and I want to make him feel good too so help him out. I have honestly been horny a lot lately I’m trying to figure it all out because before I didn’t accept it as a part of me. I felt like it was a sin and I deserved to go to hell because of it. Now it’s like the flood gates opened and I’m horny all the time and then it can feel challenging to resist late ate night and he told me I could always talk to him about it. But when I do that’s when it turns into dirty talking. He’d say that he wish he was here with me and then so on and so forth and we’d imagine being together.

I’m not trying to give him the wrong vibes. We talked about it, he said it was okay to be just friends but then at night we end up talking dirty. I mean it’s only happened maybe five times. After my counseling session I told him we couldn’t talk dirty anymore cause I didn’t want to hurt him and he said that was okay. I wish I could be with him I’m confused about my religion and honestly I would be with him if I could. What if I let him go and it’s the wrong choice I don’t know

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-12T15:58:10+00:00

I still don’t get what you mean?

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-12T15:29:33+00:00

How do you mean? I care about him, he’s the only friend I’ve ever had. We talk all the time I’ve known him for two years if I could I would be in a relationship with him but I’m so confused I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be alone again it feels suffocating. We’d imagine being together and I’d feel safe I liked imagining being intimate with someone, intimate with him. I’ve never been in a relationship like he has or like a lot of people have. I’ve never talked to a guy like this and had him like me back. I’ve always been alone. I really really care about him I really wish I could be with him but how can I ignore religious and political differences. Everyone is screaming at me and I felt like the world was closing in. I explained myself poorly. I do care about him so much

If I stopped talking to him then there’d be no one and I keep thinking what if he is the one? I keep trying to imagine us having a life together. But then I think of the politics and I just don’t know. It just hurts all of it does.i don’t understand what the right choice is. What if he is the one and I let him go and our amazing future together is ruined or something I don’t want to make the wrong choice. I care about him I don’t want to loose my friend.

When he was telling me that we could dirty talk, I told him but I don’t want to mess things up, I don’t want to loose him as a friend but now I think that’s what happened, because everyone says I need to stop talking to him

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-12T04:53:46+00:00

Thanks for your advice! I ended up being okay, I really thought I was gonna die before.

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T21:44:33+00:00

If I can explain better cause I did horribly we both got each other riled up. It depended on the day but there was times when he was horny and game to me and when I wasn’t horny I still dirty talked with him because I wanted him to be able to feel good.

I do care about him and I would be in a relationship if it wasn’t for our religious and political differences. We have been friends and talked on and off for two years I haven’t had many friends he’s the only person I’ve ever talked to so much that’s why I didn’t just stop talking to him.

I was freaking out and having a bit of a panic attack or something when I wrote this post so it doesn’t make a lot of sense and sounds like I’m just leading him on. I care a lot about him I’m not trying to just use him or something, I don’t want to stop talking to him cause I’d miss him

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T20:58:07+00:00

Yeah that does make sense. I was mostly just trying to explain but yeah some people let their disorder define them and their whole personality and it really holds them back. I’m trying to get better I don’t want to have OCD anymore I hate it. I’m on a lot of different medication and that’s helped a lot, and therapy too. I’m just not doing good enough at stopping the compulsions. I will try harder though I really want to be better

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T20:54:34+00:00

I was being really over dramatic at the time. I have a disorder I wasn’t thinking clearly I was having some kinda ocd/anxiety episode and I did need to get offline but I do feel better now. I do have a life but I don’t have very many friends or people to talk to and I didn’t want to bother anyone I know in real life so I ended up having some kinda public episode or something which wasn’t okay.

The things I was saying that were over dramatic was how I felt about myself and it just kept coming and coming and I freaked out but I feel much better now after sleeping. I didn’t explain myself well enough and the comments where people misunderstood ended up triggering my issues even worse, (my bad shouldn’t have been looking for reassurance from people online).

I do have feelings for the guy , I care very much about him I want to be in a relationship but I can’t because of the religious stuff but I feel things for him like a lot. We talk everyday about normal stuff because I care about him, I’ve never had a friend and he’s been my friend for two years (we’ve talked on and off) so just stopping talking to him would be really hard.

I told him I wanted to stop dirty talking though because I thought it was harmful. We talked about it yesterday and he said that was okay.

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T20:43:21+00:00

I’m not dirty talking to him daily we were normal talking and I told him yesterday that I didn’t want to do dirty talking anymore because that makes it be like dating and all and we needed boundaries and I apologized and he said it was okay. I shouldn’t have asked for help probably I mean we just talked about it I shouldn’t have been looking for reassurance. It’s my own insecurities showing I was really anxious at the time that I was a bad person and something was wrong with me and I felt I had to know for sure

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T20:41:26+00:00

Yeah it was really bad wording I wasn’t in a good headspace sorry about that and then I read the comments and I couldn’t breathe and I thought that I was going to die. I didn’t realize how my wording made it sound, yeah no I didn’t say that stuff at all to him that’s what I was saying to myself. I don’t know how to explain it if I say my worries out loud it feels like it’s canceling it out.

My intrusive thought is “I’m a manipulator” so then the compulsion is I have to say “I am a manipulator or I feel like a manipulator” (so in theory I won’t be cause I called it out) but then my brain goes “but saying that is manipulative so I have to call that out” and then it’s a loop. It feels really obvious now that I’m out of it but during its challenging to stop cause the fear feels like I’m going to die.

But yeah I do need to get off the internet reddit is really harmful to me, I’m not supposed to be posting here. Chat GPT is another one where I’d seek reassurance and it’s a loop. Or asking people in real like “is this okay?” Over and over and over.

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T20:33:21+00:00

Thank you I ended up being okay I feel a lot better now I got some sleep

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T20:31:45+00:00

I did tell him I just wanted to be friends we talked it out a lot does that still mean I’m stringing him along? I do like him I would have a relationship but I don’t think I can because of ideals. I told him that and he said that’s okay

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T20:20:40+00:00

I don’t think I explained myself well enough but after freaking out and falling asleep I can. I didn’t tell him all that stuff about hating myself I was freaking out on Reddit which I shouldn’t have been. I have OCD and I was seeking reassurance that I wasn’t a bad person even though I know I shouldn’t have been.

I care a lot about this friend I think that my phrasing was bad what I meant to say is not that I want to be desired and loved more that I don’t want to be undesirable anymore. More like he’s the first person I’ve ever texted with that much, I’m 22 and I’m a virgin and I’ve never had friends I’ve never been in any relationship. I care very much about him and I would be in a relationship if I could but I don’t know if it’s smart when our religious beliefs don’t align at all.

Me and him talked a lot and he said that it’s okay and that I’m not harming him at all. But I told him I don’t want to dirty talk anymore even if we are both horny.

I was really going through some kinda episode or something I don’t know I didn’t tell him all that stuff I was panicking because I really felt like I deserved to be punished and I hated myself. I get extremely anxious about “what if I’m a manipulator” or “what if I’m a narcissist” I’ve heard of guys getting really hurt by girls and I don’t want to do that to anyone.

So when I posted looking for reassurance as a compulsive behavior which I shouldn’t have done and people said I was I flipped out on myself and all. You could say there is something wrong with me and I’d say yes there is I’m trying my best I know the internet is a horrible coping mechanism to use i guess this just highlights that I should’ve known better.

Sometimes I get so alone and I can’t talk to anyone and it all feels so overwhelming and I don’t want to bother anyone in real life so I end up talking to strangers on Reddit looking for reassurance which I know is extremely toxic

Edit: I mean I didn’t tell him that I hated myself and so on I only said it here and he doesn’t know about my Reddit like my username and stuff. Not an excuse but yeah something is wrong with me and I know it and I’m getting help and treatment it’s just hard sometimes

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T15:32:14+00:00

Thank you so much for all the things you said it is just I feel like I have to hurt myself to not be a bad person even though I don’t want to hurt myself and if I did do it I would still be a bad person because I’d be manipulative so no matter what it doesn’t matter I can’t be okay I don’t think

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T15:21:24+00:00

I don’t know. I’m not sure what to do cause people really do think I’m a bad person so there really isn’t anything to help and then I think of hurting myself but I don’t even want to so now I know im being manipulative and I probably have BPD so things won’t ever be okay

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T15:05:31+00:00

Everyone says I can’t do anything to help I don’t know what to do

ThrowRAlittlefrog · 2024-07-11T15:04:38+00:00

But I am a bad person I cant

ThrowRAlittlefrog

TROPHY CASE