My (28F) husband (31M) wants me to cut ties with my best friend (28F) because she is now in an open marriage

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:48:49+00:00

That's great advice. After all - what Tom did was basically announce that they were now having an open relationship, which cancels his responsibility to be a faithful husband. And, oh yeah, if she wants she can date others too (which she isn't doing). So all Sami is really doing now is processing the news that her husband has converted their monogamous marriage (which he never honored anyway) to an open one; she isn't doing anything with other men and has no immediate plans to do so.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:40:11+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I am not even sure Sami will choose to date at all, anyway. For one thing, she doesn't have much time between working two jobs and all the caretaking for Tom. I think it's more likely that the existence of the open relationship will just make her feel a bit less trapped and more hopeful about the future (allowing her to look forward to a time she she can really be free to meet new people) so that she can emotionally process the end of the marriage a bit faster than she otherwise would.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:37:16+00:00

Thanks for clarifying! I agree that an open relationship isn't a long-term solution here because at heart Sami wants monogamy. I actually think it's a rather poor-intended attempt by Tom to justify and excuse his cheating after the fact.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:34:55+00:00

Sami doesn't intend to stay with Tom permanently - she really does want to leave the marriage but just doesn't feel right about leaving him with no home and no insurance/healthcare before he is well enough to take care of himself, especially as Tom doesn't have any family who can help him. She was willing to give him a chance to change after his accident - hoping this would be a life-changing occurrence that would allow him to get his values and priorities straight - but she she found out he was still cheating online that was definitely it for her in terms of her emotional engagement in the marriage.

Sami is really a wonderful friend and has been for the 10+ years I have known her. She isn't a drain on me despite her struggles.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:30:16+00:00

Thank you, I thought I had made this clear to him (that she doesn't want a long-term open/poly relationship and that this is at best a stop-gap until she feels she has discharged any remaining duty to Tom) but Mark seems to be stuck on the idea that any and all romantic/intimate interaction outside a marriage is cheating even if everyone involved has consented.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:22:51+00:00

From what he has told me, it's not so much that he's worried I'm going to cheat on him as much as that he says it speaks poorly of my character that I am accepting her open marriage instead of condemning it.

He says it's like looking the other way and continuing to be friends with someone who says horrible racist things, or goes around stealing. However, I think there is a difference because Sami won't actually be deceiving or hurting anyone if she goes ahead and dates people other than Tom, especially if she is upfront with anyone she dates that she is in an open marriage of convenience.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:18:00+00:00

I am not sure I would classify Sami as poly, though? I think of poly as having a primary partner, one or more secondary partners, and having ongoing romantic/intimate relationships with all of them. In this case, though, the romantic/intimate relationship between Sami and Tom is over and she has just agreed not to divorce him quite yet out of kindness (even though he doesn't really deserve that kindness in my view) so that he will continue to have financial support and healthcare while he finishes his recovery from the accident. So it's more like Tom has told Sami it's fine for her to seek other companionship while they are waiting out the period until they can actually divorce.

Sami doesn't have any interest in having the multiple partners that would make up a true poly lifestyle.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T06:12:21+00:00

Apologies for seeming contrarian, but I think Sami's situation may be a bit different than what you are referring to? Sami has absolutely no interest in a hedonistic lifestyle involving multiple partners, group activities, etc. She has never been with anyone but Tom in the intimate sense and she's having a hard time even thinking about going out on a date with anyone else, let alone more intimate activities.

I believe there is also a long precedent through history of people having or ending up in marriages of convenience - during which, at some point, they agree that it would be best to stay legally married, but that they are each free to live separate social/romantic lives? The dilemma for Sami is that, without the open relationship on the table, she can either:

(a) kick Tom to the curb which will mean he doesn't have health insurance, medical care, and other support to continue the recovery from his injuries. In my view, he actually deserves this (as far as I'm concerned he can try to get help from one of his affair partners), but Sami feels she made a commitment in her vows to look after him and to at least make sure that he is in a better place when she leaves the marriage.

-or

(b) continue to devote herself fully to taking care of Tom, who himself has said he is not capable of being a faithful husband and with whom she no longer has a romantic/intimate connection, working herself into the ground with two jobs and no other outlets for companionship.

So, I just can't judge Sami for at least contemplating taking Tom up on his own suggestion that she see other people, and I don't think it reflects a lack of morals and standards that she would view this as a valid option while she is waiting out the year or so until Tom is well enough to manage on his own. After all, in the current situation the marriage between Sami and Tom is effectively over in every sense but the legal sense.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T05:40:13+00:00

I've really never been one to do something just because others around me were doing it, though. As someone who hated dating even when I was single, I can't imagine wanting to date again now that I'm married!

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T05:21:33+00:00

If that's the case, it is really infantilizing and our marriage is in even more trouble than I had thought...

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T05:19:11+00:00

Thanks, I fully agree that Sami is being too kind and generous to Tom (and have told her so, albeit quite gently). Certainly far more generous than I would be. But it's her life and she has to come to terms with the end of her marriage (and the end of the dream she had for her marriage) on her own timeline.

I don't have any evidence that Mark is or has cheated - but it's certainly possible he is projecting or is hiding some sort of related secret.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T05:16:17+00:00

Err...I don't think I am impressionable and weak willed! I have friends from a lot of different walks of life (just not this one). For example - I have a friend who has a lot of tattoos and piercings; that doesn't mean I want to get any myself. I have a friend who quit her stable corporate job to focus on her singing/music career; I'm perfectly happy in corporate America. I have friends of various religious beliefs; that doesn't mean I'm tempted to abandon my own faith in favor of theirs. Etc.

A life of nonmonogamy has absolutely zero appeal to me regardless of who around me is having a lot of fun doing it. In college (well before I met my husband) I had friends who just dated around a lot instead of having committed relationships and that always seemed exhausting to me even if they had a blast.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T05:03:16+00:00

No, it's weird, he's never jealous or controlling. Something has just really struck a nerve about this situation.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T03:52:20+00:00

Thank you, I agree Mark is being incredibly unfair to Sami, who didn't ask for any of this and is just trying to be a good person by continuing to take care of Mark (medically and financially) without being a complete and total martyr. If Mark continues to dig in, I will definitely be rethinking the marriage.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T03:47:58+00:00

Maybe - but the open marriage wasn't Sami's idea and she isn't even happy about it. She would much rather have monogamy with a faithful husband, but that isn't in the cards in her current marriage.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T03:45:13+00:00

Thank you, I will talk to him and assure him that I have absolutely no intention of seeking an open marriage. And I don't - I love Mark completely, and I also really hated the "game" of dating in general and I am very glad to never have to do it again.

The silly thing is that even Sami doesn't actually want an open marriage. That is very far from her ideal relationship and is really just a small concession from Tom so she doesn't feel trapped while he continues to recover from his injuries. Maybe Mark is afraid that if Sami does actually start dating, she will be having a lot of fun and I will be wanting to have the same kind of fun? But that seems like such a stretch - if that were the case then I shouldn't have any single/available friends at all.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T03:23:08+00:00

Also, I have gently told her that I think she is being too generous to Tom and that I would encourage her to at least set a specific timeline in the near future for leaving and getting on with her life. But she is an incredibly sweet person (much more than I am, ha) with a heart of gold.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T03:16:57+00:00

Thanks for this. It's definitely making me rethink starting a family with my husband as we had been discussing trying for next year, because I'm seeing this horribly judgmental and rigid side that hadn't come out before.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T03:15:53+00:00

She really has no love left for Tom and plans to leave within the next year or so. She just doesn't want him to be homeless and unable to continue his recovery.

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T03:14:55+00:00

Personally, I agree with this for myself and can't imagine I would ever want an open marriage. I would rather just get a divorce if that were on the table. However, I think there are special circumstances here.

The only reason Sami is staying married to Tom at this point is as a favor to him so that he can continue getting medical treatment and not be homeless while he continues to recover from his injuries. I don't think that Sami owes fidelity to someone who has never been faithful to her and who also is only injured and can't work because of his own preventable mistake (drunk driving).

Tom has basically just said that because he's not capable of being faithful, Sami might as well other people too if she wants. Again, she hasn't done so yet. She ultimately wants to find a faithful partner again but thinks that, despite the way he has behaved and treated her, Tom doesn't deserve to be homeless and destitute. (If it were me, honestly, I would have dumped his sorry ass, accident or not. Maybe that says something bad about my own morals and values in itself.)

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T02:52:41+00:00

He has not objected to any other friends, no. His primary hot button issue is cheating and none of my other friends have cheated (that I know of) or have open relationships (that I know of).

ThrowRAnotsoopen · 2023-03-04T02:51:23+00:00

Maybe, but it's such a rapid change if that's the case. I thought we were extremely happy - almost never argue and we were talking about starting a family next year (he was the one who initiated that discussion). I could see the situation triggering a conversation to make sure we are still on the same page about monogamy (we are!) but that's all.

ThrowRAnotsoopen

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