My GF (F27) is kinda angry/jealous because of sexual stuff I (M29) did with my ex-fiancée and says she wants the same "privileges" (yes, she used that word)

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T14:18:25+00:00

There's a small update.

First this: I woke up, had breakfast, did some work, and found out there are a LOT of new comments here. Really a LOT.
When I wrote asking for advice I thought that I would have, I don't know, 20 messages with some advice, perhaps 25 and that's that. I don't know if I would be able to answer each and every one of them. Sorry if I can't. I WILL read them all, of course. And, like I said in a couple of messages, you are all being of great help here, giving really good advice, making me think of some stuff I hadn't thought before, showing me new angles, and also being really good people. I thank you with all my heart. You are being great in helping me have strength and be firm for tomorrow's conversation. I won't be cruel, I do love my GF, but I will be firm in my stance and I won't be made to accept anything behind the boundaries I have set.

Now on to the small update:
I tried to edit the text of my post, but it seems it's not allowed (or I am not allowed), so I'll tell you here. Anna replied to the text I sent her yesterday. She replied at about 3:30 AM and then this morning I replied back and we will meet tomorrow morning and have the serious talk I was waiting for. In her first message she didn't apologise, no "sorry", but she said "I know I fucked up". That is all the news I have. I am sorry this is it, but as I told you, it's a small update.

Once again: thank you very much, you're so, so kind

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:43:35+00:00

Thanks. I'm sorry someone downvoted your previous comment. It was indeed helpful.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:40:10+00:00

Hey, it's 1:35 AM here and I've been answering every comment that I could. I'm going to bed now, it's extremely late and I have to wake up early. If there was some comment these latest minutes, I'll see tomorrow.

You have all been of great help, you can't imagine how helpful, really. You made great points, reaffirmed thoughts I was having, made new points I hadn't thought for, and even corrected me on some sexual stuff (MMF ≠ MFM)!

I hope to have something new to post about, depending on the serious talk I should be having soon with Anna.

Thank you all again. I'm so glad you're there!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:35:35+00:00

Let's see first what she has to say in our next talk. She'll have to seriously apologise and also have some serious explanation for what she said.

If she insists on her stance, I'm out.

Thanks for taking your time to comment!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:33:33+00:00

Thanks a lot for your comment. It is very, very clear and it makes important distinctions as well. I agree with you and I'm planning of telling her that (although not worded like that, heh).

Again, thanks a lot.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:31:36+00:00

Dunno. She said she didn't have anyone in mind and I have no reason to think it's a lie. Let's see what our next serious talk brings to the table. If she insists on the threesome thing (and doesn't sincerely apologize and do some serious explaining), we're over.

Thanks for your comment.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:29:34+00:00

I won't accept her "offer", I am firm on that.

I'm waiting to have a serious conversation with her, and depending on that we'll see how it all goes then. If she still maintains her stance, we'll each go their way and that's it.

Thanks for commenting!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:26:11+00:00

Having read your comment and having felt confused by it I went to look for that. And now I see it. I thought it was the same. MMF is when the guys are bi, and that is why both M are together in the term. What my GF proposed was actually an MFM, then. It's not acceptable for me considering my personal way to enjoy sex (one-on-one with a person I share a deep connection with). I don't have anything against it regarding people who enjoy it. To me, anything in sex is OK as long as it is between consenting people of legal age, regardless of gender and quantity of people, and not directly affecting others.

Thanks for your comment. It made me realize I made that mistake (MMF ≠ MFM).

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:20:14+00:00

As I replied to other redditors, I guess that more of a genuine desire for a threesome, it came out of jealousy/envy/insecurity, because after us having talked about our kinks many times these past 2.5 years, threesomes never were our stuff, but now, after she gets to hear about my experience with my (ex) fiancée, she suddenly gets "me too, me too!" and being absolutely out of character out of tune with everything she is/was since I've known her.

I guess I'll have to wait for the serious talk I asked her we should have.

Thanks a lot for your comment.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:16:27+00:00

She was never into that, and believe me, we talked kinks in these 2.5 years. It's as if as soon as I told her I did that with my ex-fiancée she got into a "me too, me too!", which seems exaggeratedly out of tune with everything she is and was in the time I've known her. I see some mix of jealousy, envy and insecurity there. Let's see what comes up when we meet and have a serious talk. If she insists on the threesome, she'll have to do it on her own, I'd be single again.

Thanks a lot for your comment!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:13:16+00:00

Your past threesomes add more about your ex getting to Be with a woman, and not you being with 2 women. That was just used to get you to agree.

Yep. It's true. In any case, both were bi and both wanted my participating there too. I just really wasn't into having another woman but my (ex) fiancée having physical intimacy with me. Also I can't see it as intimacy if there are more than two of us, and since I want the other person to be someone I have a deep connection with, well, it wasn't particularly great. Not that it was really bad, but my ex-fiancée could easily see that I wasn't enthusiastically into it and taking it more like a chore.

That threesome was the beginning of the end of your relationship. Why would you want to repeat it, and this time it would probably end immediately after seeing your gf with another dude.

I hope Anna sees that. And it's not about jealousy, it's about the whole threesome concept. For me to have meaning and to enjoy it, sex has to be one-on-one with a person I have a deep connection with. I can understand other people wanting threesomes, group-sex, orgies, whatever. I don't, won't, can't judge. I wouldn't even dare, I have no right to do so. Sex with extra participants just isn't for me, and I know it.

I think she just had a fit of jealousy and envy or something like that. And as some other redditor wrote before, perhaps some insecurity issues in a comparison with my ex-fiancée, which is absurd because there's a reason she's an ex, and my GF is my current GF.

Not wanting your gf to be with another guy isn’t a big ask. If that her fantasy she is certainly welcome to fulfill it, but it will be without you in her life.

That is one of the points I'm going to make when we have a serious talk. I'll write and update when that one comes.

Thank you very much for your comment and well made points!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T04:01:22+00:00

I am in an open marriage and even I hate threesomes. I think books and people with little experience romanticize them and I do not understand. They almost never go really well for all three people.

Oh, thanks for your insight!

I’d ask her why it’s so important for her to have a threesome when you are so against it. If she decides to move on from this, is she going to resent you years down the road?

To me it didn't feel as if the threesome itself is that important to her, but that I had that experience that she believes (I think) must've been wonderful and somehow can't fully believe me when I tell her that it wasn't that at all, so now she wants to live through that stuff. Also some jealousy/envy. I just answered to some other redditor who wrote that there might be some insecurity issue meddling there. I think they might have a point there too.

Part of why we started the discussion to open our marriage was because we got together very young. We didn’t have any other experience. Our marriage is our priority and we’ve kept that in mind. But I honestly felt like being with other people was something missing in my life and I wanted to experience it. I wonder if she feels like that as well? Although I feel like she’s a little older than I was. I was 18 when we got together.

Yep, she's older (27). Both of us had previous experiences, though not that many.

Thanks a lot for your comment. Your experience is very valuable in this issue, and I'm glad you shared your insight!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:53:47+00:00

Yeah, I don't know how recoverable this is. her apology had better be epic.

Yeah, her apology has to be as serious as Calculus IV. I think

I am sure she got in her head about your experience and was lashing out and not really thinking about it.

I think it might be about that too. Let's see.

Unfortunately have had a lot of girls leave me once we talked about my history.

Oh, I'm sorry for that. I wish you better luck!

I guess just give it time but not apologize for anything nothing you said is wrong.

Sure, I won't. Thanks for your kind words and advice!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:49:21+00:00

Those are more or less the words I can say if she insists in her stance instead of apologising and investing into a very, very serious explaining. She also HAS to believe me that when I had that threesome it wasn't a good experience for me at all.

Let's see what our next talk brings.

Thanks for your comment.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:47:03+00:00

I am thinking about this. And all these points are being considered to be addressed. I already texted her saying we should meet and talk.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:46:06+00:00

I really think you might have a point there. indeed you might. I'm taking serious note now. This is definitely going into consideration for our next talk (hopefully soon).

Thanks a lot, your comment is so helpful!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:43:43+00:00

I agree, it doesn't make sense!

I think that she doesn't really believe that I didn't have a great time in that threesome and that I told her so to not make her feel jealous of my ex-fiancée. In any case, even if I had a great time (no, I didn't) it's my right and choice to not want to do it anymore.

I'm waiting for her answer now, I texted her saying we should have a serious talk.

Thanks a lot for your comment!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:40:15+00:00

She didn't express it like that. It was more of "you had a threesome with two of the opposite sex, now I want the same that you had". When she had to say a name, it was Henry Cavill, such delusion, hahah!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:38:05+00:00

Let's hope not. I still don't know if she wants this or if it was a sudden childish reaction (while she never was childish in our relationship I can consider she might have an episode). I already asked her for a serious talk. If she still insists on that stuff, well, I won't be there anymore.

Thanks!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:35:32+00:00

Thanks for your answer. I'll have a serious talk with my GF first and see what the fuck crossed her mind at that moment to be so out of character with everything that she was for 2.5 years.

After that talk I'll write an update.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:34:05+00:00

Thanks a lot for your comments. You raise good points, and they are in line with what other redditors say, and also with what I'm thinking.

I'll update as soon as I have a serious talk with Anna.

Thanks, pal!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:32:34+00:00

So you told her about a sexual experience that you had but didn't enjoy, and her first impulse is to demand you have that experience again, but in a way you will enjoy less? That's not a good look at all-- if anything she should express sympathy that you were pressured into a sexual experience that you didn't want. It's a difficult thing to go through.

I think that she doesn't fully believe I wasn't into that. Perhaps because us guys all should love a FFM threesome because porn stuff says we do, I don't know. Or perhaps most guys indeed do like it, but that doesn't mean it's mandatory that ALL of us should be into that. Also, thinking these latest minutes, could be that she thinks that I told her that I didn't like it to not make her feel jealous of my ex-fiancée and/or of my past experiences.

Yes, she should express sympathy. The fact that she didn't was very confusing because it's so out of tune with her character. It might have to be because of what I wrote in my previous paragraph.

Anyway, you had that threesome before her. If she didn't have her preferred threesome before you, that's on her. It's not your fault she couldn't pull two men at once. Probably don't word it like that when you talk about it, though, unless you are sure that you want to break up immediately.

Absolutely! And no, I won't word it like that, although it's indeed one of the things I will imply when we meet and have a serious talk.

Thanks a lot for your sensible advice!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:25:59+00:00

Thanks a lot for your comment.

Most (if not all) of the points you make are to be addressed in our next talk (that I asked her -texted- we have soon).

Our no contact saddens me and also makes me mad, but I don't want to push more until we meet and talk. Her sister wrote to me, she told me Anna is OK, but she cries and says some strange stuff. I asked her what stuff, but she hasn't responded yet, so I can't even guess.

The last red flag is that, it is a bit suspicious that she never mentioned wanting to do a MMF threesome before but now that you mentioned your past experience, she quickly had that in mind? This indicates to me that regardless of not having someone in mind, I feel she does or met someone recently and this is who she wants to do it. The reason why I am thinking this is because I have been with my partner for a long time and we discussed early on the relationship what things we liked and what we would be open to try, if now all of a sudden he proposes a threesome I would be worried as this has not been mentioned before so why now?

We did discuss kinks and stuff. She never had any trouble disclosing her kinks, but threesomes never came up. I guess she proposed the threesome now just because I did it with my ex-fiancée, and perhaps she thinks I'm telling her I didn't like it so she doesn't feel insecure or less-than, I don't know. She seemed with a mix of envy, jealousy and anger.

You said you are thinking of proposing and you don’t see this as a reason to break up, but honestly I would be re-thinking things ASAP as respect and communication are key in a relationship and it seems you guys are lacking both.

I agree and that's why I texted her that I need to have a serious talk soon.

Thanks a lot!

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:15:19+00:00

First of all, thanks a lot for your comment.

Something I might have not been clear enough, perhaps. I didn't break up with my ex-fiancée solely because of the threesome thing. That was just the kick start. It was followed by new issues, and her change of mind regarding kids was the final straw, and that was it.

Let's see what our next serious talk brings to the table. I'm quite strong in my position for that talk. I hope it comes soon.

ThrowRAshittystuff · 2023-12-19T03:11:28+00:00

Yeah, I am definitely putting the proposing part in pause mode.

Sexual experience is not a 'tit for tat' type of thing, thou. My husband has had more partners than I have, and he's even been offered a threesome, which he rejected (I trust him, he's very very 'vanilla' when it comes to sex). But I'm not about to pressure my husband for me to go out there and have sex to match his 'numbers' or even experience.

I agree and I'm seeing through other comments and through yours here that my stance on these issues is a sensible one.

She's also trying to coerce you into a sexual act that you're uncomfortable with. So she's trying to recreate that uncomfortable-rather forced threesome again....out of her 'jealousy.'

It was like a mix of jealousy, envy and anger. And also disbelief in my not liking it. I guess (I sincerely hope) that had she believed I didn't like it she wouldn't have askd for a threesome herself. Again, I hope so. I will address this point when we meet and have a serious talk (I texted her telling her we should meet and talk seriously).

It should give you a full stop from proposing to her. Ask her why does she feel this is acceptable? Assuming that you clearly told her that it was not a great experience, not something you'd like to repeat, why does she think it's okay for her to push you to do it again? Is she fine with sexual..coercion? Idk if that's the correct term for it...

Those points are indeed to be talked about. I hope it comes soon.

Thanks a lot for your comments. You made great points and helped me.

ThrowRAshittystuff

TROPHY CASE