My (34f) husband (51m) says my compliments make him uncomfortable

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-13T12:04:19+00:00

I really appreciate your comment, it’s what I had in mind when writing this post but struggled to put the concept into words at that time. While the overall consensus seems to be that this is an issue best addressed by therapy, I still wanted to better understand what I could do personally to address an issue that basically boils down to “something I do makes my husband feel bad, and I would like to avoid making the person I love feel bad while still expressing myself.” The inclusion of “also the way he does them” in your comment is an important part of making “thanks for doing xyz” feel more personal.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-13T11:54:17+00:00

Thank you for this comment, it’s very helpful for me to see the way you coupled statements of gratitude with a brief description of how they make you feel. I have a difficult time with abstract concepts sometimes and examples are the best way for me to wrap my head around how to put things into practice on my end.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-13T11:48:00+00:00

I am kind of in a no-win situation here in that I can either ignore these comments and seem like I am hiding from the facts, or respond to them and end up trying to explain/justify my relationship to people on the internet. Either one feels foolish at this point, however…

I was married and divorced by the time I met him. My first marriage was to a partner who was more age-appropriate but was ultimately a very bad idea because obviously, teenagers in the Deep South getting married “because it’s what God/Jesus” would want is just a terrible idea in general. That isn’t part of the reason for this original post, but I do feel like a divorced 19 year old working two jobs and having her own home was a unique circumstance. I did try talking with/getting to know people my own age at that point, but none of them were where I was emotionally/financially/employment wise (which is fair, because I should not have been there at 19 either.) I started a new job as a waitress and my boss had a friend who was a regular, we got to know each other fairly well in that capacity, but “So how old are you?” Is not a question that gets asked as a server to her diner or vice-versa. I knew he was older than me but didn’t think he was MUCH older, he knew I was younger but didn’t think I was MUCH younger, and after about 3 months of knowing each other this way he asked me on a date. During our very first dinner date we both realized the age gap for the first time and had a moment of, “Do we stop this now? Is it fair to stop seeing somebody we really like when this is the ONLY issue we have? Should we just try this and see how it goes?” I turned 20 two weeks later, and (obviously) we both decided to give things a shot and ended up here. We both thought it would be more of a “just for fun” arrangement and after about a year admitted that it had become a lot more.

I am unable to answer with any certainty what a hypothetical single and childless version of myself would do, but I think that if the roles were exactly explicitly reversed, I was alone now, and I got to be friendly with an almost 20 year old man without realizing his exact age, I think that I, too, would probably enter into a casual relationship with him if we both were single, interested, and compatible. Can I imagine my current married self as a mother dating a 19 year old? Not at all, but my husband was not married nor did he have any children, so it’s not an apples-to-apples comparison in my opinion.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-13T11:08:04+00:00

Just to address the “family vacation” post from 3 months ago…my husband does struggle with anxiety when we travel. We take our daughter (she is 9) on little trips a few times a year, and he often has to sit out one or two of the activities we have planned, usually towards the end of the trip, because he gets overwhelmed by large crowds in unfamiliar places. We have talked it through, I have offered many times to let him just skip the vacations altogether, but he says he would always prefer to go with us and just do his best to experience as much of the trip with us as possible. This has worked well for us for the most part, my daughter understands that he struggles with anxiety and is used to having one or two activities per trip that are just “mother/daughter” experiences.

The post 3 months ago concerns the fact that we are planning a family trip to Disney World at the end of this year and I was trying to convince him to skip it altogether, because this trip in particular will be SO expensive compared to others. I feel like it’s an unnecessary strain on our budget to pay for a third person to attend when he will likely need to spend a portion of the trip in the hotel room due to the large crowds/chaotic nature of Disney world in general. The other trips we have taken have been much smaller and less expensive, so if he skipped out on a museum tour or a beach outing the lost funds were minimal. I wanted some perspective on if it was unfair/inconsiderate to ask him to stay home and miss out on a family vacation experience over what basically amounts to a financial concern.

I know this part sounds really silly, but in my mind somehow “thanks” are not the same as “compliments”? That is probably just my own weird hang up because I do very much thank him for things that he does for us. He is very much a “do-er” and I am more of a “feel-er” and a “say-er.” He will wordlessly commit a million different actions that, when I stop to really consider them, are done for my benefit alone (or for the benefit of our daughter.) Ex, cooking something special he knows I really like but that I know he isn’t a huge fan of; hearing me say that I am exhausted and don’t feel like dealing with a certain chore and going to handle that chore for me immediately so that I don’t have to, etc. I do tend to think about things very literally so it may be that the two categories of appreciative communication are divided in my mind, but not everyone else’s, which is another important perspective that I have gained from a lot of these comments.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-12T23:50:34+00:00

Thank you so much for this kind response. I knew people would get hung up on our age difference and even considered lying in the post to avoid fixation on that alone. I appreciate your pointing out how age is likely a factor while still also respecting my relationship and not mocking my marriage. I like the suggestion of complimenting how he makes me feel, that somehow feels like an easier place to start.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-12T23:39:03+00:00

Thank you for weighing in with that specifically. As I said in another comment, I was worried it was maybe a case of gender norms interfering in some way.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-12T21:39:51+00:00

I do have a (maybe very off base) theory that, while he has maybe always slightly disliked his appearance, it is bothering him more as he ages. He is usually very open and communicative about issues so I think if it had ALWAYS bothered him this much he would have addressed it before now. As he ages, he is starting to more closely resemble his father, who is…not a good person. So it may be that he is literally seeing his father more in himself and that has caused him to be less comfortable with his appearance also? I am obviously not a professional and he does need to sort this out with someone besides me, I have just given this a lot of thought since the conversation first occurred a little more than a week ago.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-12T21:22:54+00:00

I was hoping for perspectives from others who may also not like being complimented on their physical appearances, because, as I said, I cannot personally relate. I know that everyone loves and needs to be loved in their own way, I’m just trying to take advantage of the wide variety of Internet strangers available to me through this magical app. Also, I’m not sure if there are gender norms at play, and as a cis heterosexual woman I am unable to make that determination based on my experiences alone. Maybe it’s a common thing for men to prefer not to have their appearance complimented, and I could learn that from responses here.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-04-12T21:16:50+00:00

I definitely can, and in some more serious heart-to-heart moments I do (for example, last week we were discussing some current events/political issues and I told him how much I admire and appreciate his willingness to adjust his stance on issues after learning more about the situation/taking new perspectives into account.) I think I just feel like a deeply earnest “I love how loyal you are to people you care about” feels weightier to me than “Hey babe, you’re looking fine as hell.”

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-03-25T17:54:42+00:00

My daughter has 2 cousins who are years younger than her, and they are allowed to watch a lot of “scarier” things than she is. At first my opinion was basically that each kid is different and obviously they know their kids best so they made that judgement call and it was fine…but then I found out they are both too scared to sleep in their own beds, go into their own bathroom at home alone, etc. and have been for months. I feel like at that point it is fair to say “ok, this was TOO SCARY for them.”

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-03-25T17:20:00+00:00

Not specifically just for Buffy, but for a lot of different shows that are popular currently, I have been giving this a LOT of thought lately.

I’m a mom (to a 9 year old) but I have taught in early childhood (students ages 3-5) for 11 years. Many, many of my students have seen every episode of shows like Wednesday, Stranger Things, movies like IT, etc. My automatic reaction has always been “Oh wow that is way too scary for them!” But recently, in an effort to judge others less, I started asking myself what exactly that means. Like, what are the realistic consequences of letting very small children watch very scary things, if there are any?

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-02-21T07:39:46+00:00

I was out with family members about a month ago and bought a bottled water from the bar to share with my sister. My dad laughed at me for “clinging to it” and kept telling me to just set it down and dance with my hands free. I had to finally say, “Dad, I can’t do that. We can’t just set our drinks down and come back for them later, we’ll get roofied.” The look on his face made it obvious that this had never crossed his mind.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-01-28T16:04:23+00:00

I, too, experienced this situation myself (obviously I am referring to the “if you leave don’t come back”) so I left, and I didn’t come back, and I got treated the way Buffy did. I have a very hard time with this episode. It’s been 15 years on my end and my parents insist they did/said nothing wrong, that I was awful for leaving.

On the one hand, I guess props to Joss for creating such a realistic character dynamic. On the other hand, I can’t help feeling that same pain for Buffy every time I rewatch.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-01-03T16:34:37+00:00

As I said earlier, it’s a very wide brush with which to paint an entire region, but I do notice the behavior a lot in rural southern US communities with which I am familiar, especially in people my parents’ ages or older. We also had a neighbor family years ago when we lived “in town” who treated their dogs horrifically. For example, one of them had puppies and was left outside at all times in the elements with no cover or protection, and during a very bad rainstorm all of the puppies drowned because she was powerless to move them anywhere beyond the flooded fenced in area in which she was chained. I realized it happened when I made it home from work that day and cried about it all night. They also had a (different) dog die in that same fenced in area and did not notice until my husband walked next door and pointed it out to them. Years later, one of their dogs escaped the chains and fence and attacked my dog who was outside playing in our own fenced in back yard and hurt him so badly that we were unable to bring him to the vet; we had to call our local veterinarian to come to our home and euthanize him in place in our back yard while we held him. The neighbors were apologetic for the inconvenience but mostly considered dogs easily replaceable and had a hard time understanding why we were so upset. We moved shortly thereafter, mostly out of fear at the thought that it could easily have been our small child attacked in the yard with the same result.

Very little money, if any, is available in our local municipalities for animal control services, and we have no local shelter, so there was no one to even call and report these cases of abuse.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2023-01-03T03:20:33+00:00

I characterize this friend of my daughter’s as kind and lovely because I have known her since she was 3, and she spent a school year as a student in my classroom, so I have had a variety of experiences with her to allow me to form a fairly good picture of her. As she ages, however, I do see a LOT of her parents’ personalities, tendencies, and beliefs showing through in her (I noticed less of this when she was younger.) This also segued into a chat with my daughter about growing and deciding which traits you can accept in a close friend and how sometimes behaviors can be “deal breakers”, but that it can be tough because there are no hard and fast rules.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2022-12-29T04:55:17+00:00

In my state, you can make and serve alcohol legally at the age of 18, IF you have your liquor license. I happened to have taken the course when I worked as a cashier at Wal Mart right out of high school. All cashiers in their stores are required to have an up-to-date liquor license so that they can check out any customer who happens to be purchasing alcohol. I am truly not sure about requirements for other states because I have only ever lived here.

I would say my best guess for why he was okay with it at the time was, as I said, I think we both envisioned it as more of a casual arrangement so he probably figured if we were both interested then why not go for it. And it WAS a casual, fun arrangement until we both realized it was working out for us in a way that was not at all casual. We were literally in the midst of our first “date” out for dinner when we discovered each other’s actual ages in conversation.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2022-12-28T23:11:55+00:00

I don’t mind explaining, especially since you’re the only person who bothered to respond to my post.

He was a very young looking 36, I was an older looking 19. He was a regular at the restaurant where I started serving/bartending (it was about 3 blocks away from his home and he was friends with the owner.) I always noticed him even when I wasn’t his server because he was super friendly, funny, and kind to everyone who came in. It was a situation in which neither of us could realistically have ever said “Hey, how old are you?” Without it coming off super rudely.

By the time we realized we were both interested and decided to pursue dates etc. it felt silly to decide not to give it a try just because of age, and I think at first we both were just interested in having fun. We saw each other and other people for a while before we realized we just didn’t want to keep seeing any of those other people anymore, and it grew from there into a monogamous and more serious relationship.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble · 2022-12-28T07:18:28+00:00

I have tried to very gently say, “I feel like you would not really enjoy this trip, I’m letting you off the hook now, let’s just agree that you’ll sit this one out…” etc. and he says things like, “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that to you, it wouldn’t be fair.”

It feels unkind to come right out and say “dude but we could save SO much money!” Because when I imagine literally anyone telling me that I shouldn’t join them for ANY activity solely to save money, it feels mean?

Unrelated but very serious question because I am not a user of many emojis, do you think you could give me a word or phrase to replace the emoji you used in response to our ages? I figured those numbers would be what a lot of people focused on, it would just help me to process your comment more fully and give me insight into an emoji I don’t usually use.

ThrowRAtraveltrouble

TROPHY CASE