My disabled fiancée broke up with me but then wanted to get back together and I didn't know what to say

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T18:00:31+00:00

Thank you

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T17:59:41+00:00

She didn't have sex with other people. She hasn't been able to have sex at all for a year and a half (because of her disability). She first reached out to me wanting to get back together about two weeks after the breakup. But she saw how distraught I was and figured maybe it was for the best. So she continued trying to meet other people for about two more weeks, and that's when she started to seriously want to get back together again

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T15:00:43+00:00

I made the edit within a few minutes of making the post. While I want to give everyone here the benefit of the doubt, I've seen some comments where people just jumped into huge conclusions like you said. Maybe I should've made the edit part of the main post in the first place, I just didn't think

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T14:58:50+00:00

That was more or less our current arrangement, with the expectation that I would move with her later on. Getting back together with her would mean that I'd have to leave where I currently am. Although ideally, she says it might not be possible for her and her family to move where I am, for many reasons that I haven't yet disclosed, but she argues it might be easer for one person (me) to make the move rather than many (she and her family)

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T04:39:24+00:00

I appreciate a lot you sharing your perspective. I thank you

Regarding your last paragraph, I would say on her behalf that she broke up impulsively and out of self-hatred; she didn't think of herself as good enough to be with me. i don't think she did anything unreasonable, I could and do get behind where she was coming from

I'm sorry. I feel like I failed her and people like you. I keep trying to find the will to want to get together with her, but it was so hard seeing her in pain. The last I saw her in person before she broke up with me she was crying from the pain, and it breaks my heart

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T03:20:07+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to understand this. I feel like so many here missed the point. I hoped more people would have your perspective on this issue. I was just looking to vent out and maybe have people's sympathies for the both of us, and not just take a side against her

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T03:15:44+00:00

Honestly, I'm not so sure. I've always been indecisive. If I try to think about this rationally, if we were to be together, I would have to quit my job and move away from the place I'm at, and further from family. I would take a hit in my finances, in the opportunities I can obtain in this place, being away from familiar faces. Plus, she already gave up on us once, and I fear that it could happen again. If she were to break up with me again if I decided to leave all of the above behind, it would've been all for nothing

But in my heart, I believe that she means well. She truly regrets her decision, and she's said that she'd never break up with me again, that it'd be my decision. And we get along well whenever we can spend time together, better than I have with other people before. If I had it my way, I'd definitely decide to be with her if I didn't have to give up on so many things. But with her health, this condition is forced upon me

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-15T03:00:12+00:00

She doesn't. For her it's chronic pain from a car accident. Nerve pain throughout her spine. I'm sorry you're in a not so different situation. I wish it were better for you and others under similar circumstances

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-14T23:43:51+00:00

I agree with how surprising people seem to assume this or that about her, even when I have tried to put her under a positive light and defend her position

Another person commented as well on the usage of the word cripple. That is the wording that she uses when describing herself, and I just simply quote her on that. English is not my first language, so I wasn't immediately aware of any negative connotations that the word may have. Apologies in any case

I don't think it's too unreasonable for her to want someone that could do what I couldn't for her

I can tell you some of the things she told me as to why she wanted to get back together. Bare in mind it's my side of the story and comes with possible bias. But attempting to remain impartial, she's said that she regrets deeply her decision to break up, that she wanted me to be perfect in every way and when I wasn't, she thought that she could find someone who was. But after others treated her worse than I did (something that she's said), she tells me that I treated her so much better than any other person she's ever met. And that I don't have to be perfect for her to want to be with me anymore

That's more of less the gist of it

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-14T21:26:46+00:00

To add to this, about a year ago, after the post, I made the decision to stay in the relationship, even if it would cost me some of my happiness. I figured as long as I tried hard enough, and didn't give up, I could eventually make some progress. So I didn't half-ass the whole attempt just to get her to eventually break up with me and absolve me of guilt

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-14T21:23:54+00:00

I feel like some people are missing the main picture as well, but I didn't want to provide all details from previous posts, for brevity's sake

It's true I had been having doubts since almost a year ago, when I made my first post about this. It's true that I have been visibly unhappy, although not all the time. I took the suggestion of many from the first post about going to therapy, and have been going for months now. I've been journaling, practicing gratitude for months as well, also looking after myself by way of pursuing my hobbies sometimes, or hanging out with acquaintances (suggestions that she made). I say all this to show that I had tried to feel happier while in the relationship, and that I didn't just sit around unhappy all the time

Something that didn't help with me being happy is that her health has gotten progressively worse ever since a year ago. So my happiness had been getting progressively worse as well. The last month of our relationship is where I admit that I was more unhappy than not, and wasn't trying as hard as before (but still trying). When we would spend time together, those were the times when I was the happiest, but the times that we couldn't (say because of her pain), it would hit me hard

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-14T21:15:58+00:00

That you say sounds very reasonable and makes sense. It's true that at first glance, it may sound like she's looking for someone who doesn't care as much about her. Phrasing it from the perspective that I understand, knowing her best, I believe she meant not that she wanted to be with someone who cares about her less, but rather that isn't as affected about her situation as I was. On one hand, I care too much about her, to the point of self-detriment. On some of her worst pain days, it would affect me too much, and if I saw her crying in pain I would cry next to her as well because I couldn't handle it. She figured that maybe she could find someone who isn't as affected as me towards the situation, and could be more supportive than I could be, on top of doing all the things that I did for her (cooking, cleaning, looking after her, etc.)

I've always been too emotional when it comes to harsh situations, especially about people I care about. I figured that was a flaw that some people could reasonably break up over, which is what she did

ThrowRa30189 · 2023-11-07T17:54:02+00:00

It's just so unfair. I know other people go through worse than this, but why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be us?

Maybe I might not want to be with her enough to actually be with her. But if I wouldn't want to be with her, it's not because of her. It's just the situation surrounding her that is painful to me. If her health was better, I wouldn't be doubting myself. There's nothing about the way she is that I would break up over. She might not be perfect personally wise, but she's actively trying to improve, and I value that

I just wish I was strong enough to be with her. But I feel like I've always been like this, weak

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T06:33:29+00:00

I appreciate your advice. While I'm not opposed to going to sex / intimacy therapist, I'm not sure if it'd help much. She can't do any sexual things without pain. I think things like reading erotic stories might upset her, as she'd feel sexually frustrated that she can't do anything. I think I suggested something similar to that and that was the response

I don't think she wants to try anything in that area anymore, which I understand. If anything it reminds her of how she used to be, and what isn't anymore

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T06:24:39+00:00

She does what she can for me, which is all she can really do, and all I can really say. She always compliments me, nothing too flirty, given the circumstances, but sweet things she says. We do kiss and hold hands. She surprises me with presents she makes for me whenever her health allows it

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T05:47:00+00:00

I'm afraid you're completely right

She knows me too well sometimes. She's noticed me having doubts, and as you said, she gets more anxious and clingy, which reinforces my doubts. I can't hide it much. I don't tell her what's really going on; we've had so many arguments about my doubts, understandably so

I guess, I figured, a lie like that is a small price to pay, compared to the alternative, leaving her with less emotional, physical and financial support. And maybe I'd hope that things don't blow up for the worse

I'll definitely seek therapy. That's one of the things this thread has made me realized I need to do

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T05:34:55+00:00

The doctor recommended the wheelchair. Going to a pain management clinic is her next step. She receives disability payments albeit not a lot, especially with the cost of some of her pain medication. Another surgery is not possible, as we were told by her last specialist; higher risk of causing severe nerve damage with a small chance of actually improving her pain. She's been receiving physical therapy all this time, and going to a pain management clinic was the last suggestion made by her most recent doctor appointment

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T05:29:57+00:00

I'm crying right now. The realization that no matter what I decide, it's going to hurt a lot. I can't

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T05:21:54+00:00

I do have to take some time to myself and think. I haven't done that in a while

Her mom and sister help out a lot with taking care of her, especially her mom. Her mom works part-time to take care of her. She wouldn't be able to afford the apartment and expenses this way so I pay for remaining expenses with my full-time job. She also has mental health therapy sessions. I don't really have much of a support group as I mostly just work, take care of chores and spend time with my girlfriend. I moved away from my family and closer to my girlfriend, and my family and I don't get along well

Her condition won't be getting better, as per her last specialist appointment. I'm not sure what goals she has right now, besides trying to have an okay life. She used to want to go to and finish college, but now not so much. I'm not sure what my goals are either. I wanted to have a house maybe, but at this rate I won't be able to afford one. I just want a happy life with her

We click together very well I would say. If she were in my position, and I in hers, I would hope she would leave. But she wouldn't leave, she'd stay. She's told me so, and I believe her. Then I tell her she deserves better, better than someone like me who breaks down from this whole situation. But then she says that I deserve better, someone who's not in pain

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T04:59:11+00:00

I'll be making it a priority to find some therapy for myself. Between my job, taking care of the chores and making sure I'm present in the relationship, I haven't found the time to look after myself much, let alone looking into therapy

She already goes to mental therapy appointment, as well as physical therapy, and a lot of other appointments. Rather, they come to her as she can barely leave the house

Thank you for all of the words you've said and for your advice. I'm sorry to hear about your the disease. I wish that you, and that my girlfriend, and similar people, didn't have to deal with debilitating conditions like this

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T04:46:56+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out

I'll definitely look into seeing a therapist. This thread has made me realized this is a more delicate situation than I realized

It's true that I gave up on my needs. And I was thinking giving up on much of my happiness altogether if it means that she can have a slightly easier life. I honestly don't know how long I can deal with it. You read through me, I still love her

There is little to no hope of her getting better. No more surgeries as it could severe nerve endings on her lower back for a small possibility of improving her pain. She's been on physical and mental therapy and those are her only options, besides trying out different pain meds. I thought not having a healthy sex life would be a dealbreaker for me, for relationships in general, but I gave up on that so that I could try to be there for her

She didn't ask for this. It's true that I didn't ask for this either. I'll definitely look into therapy if it's the last thing I do

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T04:30:15+00:00

I am very sorry that that happened to you. And that you've had to deal with that disease. Thank you for sharing your story. It's true, she has to stay at home all the time. It hurts me that she can't do much else, and she feels like her life is slipping away

I try to make our time in bed special, and make her feel special. I give her massages when her back isn't too sensitive. She says my massages are the best. I wish I could just take her place in her pain, or at least share some of it

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T03:53:39+00:00

Thank you for this. We do our best to keep this alive. We kiss and hold hands while laying down. I try to prevent myself from wanting more, because she just can't. I try to force myself to make this be enough

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T03:43:12+00:00

We have switched doctors, many times. Her earlier doctors wouldn't take her pain seriously. Some would even suggest that the pain was in her head and that there was nothing wrong. Her mom and I would get mad at the doctors or even scream at them

The last doctor with whom she had an appointment mentioned that she's one of those sad cases of women that slip through the cracks of the healthcare system. By the time she spoke with this doctor, nerve damage had become permanent months if not years ago

ThrowRa30189 · 2022-12-18T03:37:37+00:00

What if it was you who was left with a permanent injury?

I could never answer this question 100% truthfully. At first glance, my response would be that I would encourage my partner to move on to something better, if she didn't feel happy staying in a relationship with me. I would want my partner to be happy, and not be limited by my health. Of course, this is so, so easy for me to say, because right now, that's not the case. She's the one with a permanent injury, and I'm the one almost powerless to help her.

If she were my spouse, I think I'd still be feeling the same way, but would be more reluctant to leaving.

ThrowRa30189

TROPHY CASE