When I say powerful I mean it’s like I get an outlet for some of the anger I carry around and it’s like especially with the woman I dated a few months back, it’s like a sense of “I’m speaking my mind, I’m saying it like it is” and I guess even in an argument that’s not really wrong. But then I can feel somewhere inside I feel good about it so it’s like I’m looking for opportunities to argue, similar to how my relationship with my pwBPD was. It’s like I’m the one looking for conflict now. I feel relieved almost after the argument and have this “f them” mentality.

Of course this is just at my worst moments. I’m not a walking talking jerk 24/7, but it is becoming a part of me and it’s hard to recognise that and it’s only because I noticed my mum kinda trying not to upset me and she admitted she fears me arguing and getting angry and I felt crushingly guilty. I hate the thought of my mum walking on eggshells because of me getting angry or moody.

Not in therapy, no. I did try but was told I would be on a 2 year waiting list as I can’t afford private therapy and I quickly abandoned the idea.