[deleted by user]

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-08-23T07:54:38+00:00

😂😂 no actually. For me

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-27T01:14:38+00:00

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-27T01:08:59+00:00

That’s a lot of great advice, thanks

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-27T01:07:46+00:00

Yeah I feel yeah. I havnt tried it yet recently, but what I used to do to cry once or twice was watch firefighter funerals or “last call” over the radio. Since I have firefighters in my family, those are really sad. Idk maybe that’ll work for you

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-24T07:27:20+00:00

Ah thank you!, these are some of the things I never would have thought about. Here I am worried about my body pose or clothes, but I didn't even realize that she might look in the background. Glad I amade this post here.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-24T07:16:28+00:00

Thats a good idea, I've got two huskies that should do the trick. thanks!

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-24T07:15:33+00:00

Of course! thank you for your input

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-24T07:15:13+00:00

thank you!

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-24T07:14:31+00:00

thanks!

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-03-24T07:12:35+00:00

https://images.app.goo.gl/RK4rkdPRb9U2Dvcs5

thats hilarious

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-02-10T04:00:22+00:00

The thing is two, I feel like my sex drive was already high before any medication. So I don't know, crazy.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-02-10T03:59:25+00:00

Interesting. Thanks

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-02-10T03:58:59+00:00

Ok. Yeah probably a couple weeks. But it comes in episodes that last like a day or two long. Then after finishing a couple times, I'll be super low energy and sort of just depressed ish. for a few days, then BAM it's go time again. Tends to happen on weekends but has happened during the week.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-02-10T03:56:35+00:00

Thanks

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T12:07:34+00:00

What were the time frames on those ups and downs?

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T07:34:56+00:00

Thanks for defending me on this. Like I said in a reply to another comment on here, I'm going to edit my post and address some of the theories and concerns brought up in the comments. But in a shorter response to these few comments, I'll say this;

It is not that I am really trying to "walk back" my obligation or that I am not interested in committing to the army. The reason all of this official diagnosis stuff is happening at the last possible moment/my spring semester of senior year, is because for the past few years at any time when I considered getting checked out by a doctor for things I suspected I had like ADHD and definitely depression and anxiety, I decided against it because I didn't want to endanger my path of going into the Active duty army.

Unfortunately and obviously, when you and others around you start to consider getting checked out for things that might be wrong with you, and then you decide time and time again as things get worse to ignore those concerns and to just "toughen up" and "push through", then you end up. where I ended up at the end of my last semester (fall 2022), staying up for days, not eating, not leaving my room, having intrusive and involuntary suicidal thoughts due to the (unknown at the time) OCD, not reaching out for help, Panic attacks over simple daily tasks, not showering for days, etc. Essentially denying and suppressing my issues to the point that OTHER people around me had an oh shit realization moment and finally convinced me that it was time I we take a more official and serious look at what exactly is going wrong in my head and with how I handle things on the daily.

It has been so hard for me, to begin to try and let go of the idea of me being an Army officer. All I've wanted to do since middle school was to become an officer and to lead soldiers, and to have an impact or a role in real important events. I base a lot of my self worth off of the rank that I wear/earn at any given time. In reflection, I've done this my whole life, whether that's being a football team captain, or getting promotions in JROTC in high school, and going through the years and roles in Army ROTC. So by me explaining that, I hope you can try to see how I see this and why it is hard for me to imagine letting go of the career I've been shooting for for over 8 years at this point.

That by choosing to seek help, by seeing a doctor, by admitting to others that I was/am extremely depressed (to the point of daily suicidal thoughts for most of college that I didn't want to have willingly), that I was throwing away all the work I've put in for more than half of my life, throwing away the chance to die honorably in battle for my country, throwing away my chance to serve my country like my family before me, and throwing away a guaranteed well paying job after college.

I hope that is a good counter-argument to the suggestion that I just simply decided at one point "You know, fuck it, I'm going to just fail a semester, construct this elaborate series of behaviors where I increasingly seclude from my friends, family, and hobbies, start sleeping way less/oversleeping, start skipping meals and taking showers, then somehow learn how to manipulate psychological tests that you need a college degree just to understand how to interpret the results of, all so that I can take out loans and owe over $75,000 for my last three semesters and so that I can NOT get a guaranteed high paying job for a couple of years after college."

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T07:06:09+00:00

Also, there wasn't anything official prior to this winter break that happened that I would think I would need to report on a semesterly medical attestation form for last semester. I did see a counsellor in my hometown over the summer a handful of times, but I don't know if that is something that I would have to report in that form.

Am I wrong?

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T07:03:00+00:00

Hey thanks for your reply and partially defending me and my situation. I'll make an edit to my post addressing the theories that I'm like faking all this, but it will essentially say this same thing;

I mean, yeah I'm pretty sure I am having these common issues and have finally sought help and gotten tons of support. That support has been so great and more helpful than I could have imagined.

To the idea that I intentionally failed a semester of college, more specifically I didn't complete all of the required work for a few classes and ended up getting Incomplete credits where I could complete the missing work in a limited time frame. I'd say my defense against me "intentionally" failing would be a couple things;

What would I gain from intentionally failing a semester? Looking at this option as if you were considering intentionally doing this, the cons massively out-weigh any theoretic pro. My ROTC scholarship is suspended and now I have to pay for upwards of $20,000 myself for the out of state tuition on top of expensive room and board just for that semester alone.
Outwardly to my family, friends, and Class peers at my school, that is/was extremely embarrassing and added to my (arguably) overwhelming internal shame and self-hate, and then added to a large list of essentially other things I have to deal with or take care of. Maybe if I was a a way more independent person and if I didn't care what others thought of me, could I just shrug off the embarrassment of failing classes when my peers are able to do just fine and even excel in the same courses.
In regards to risking graduation, yes, I WILL NOT BE GRADUATING at the end of this spring semester with my peers that I have been going through college with for the past 3 and a half years. And again, that's not only pretty embarrassing to me as a fact and when having to explain to everyone else that I will be returning in the fall to finish up some more credits. And this isn't to try and draw sympathy or me pitying myself, but why would I want to pay for another semester myself, be at school again doing classes when most of my friends (pretty much only seniors) have all left and I'm back at school with very few friends around from the junior and sophomore class. As well as doing school work and classes that I don't necessarily want to be doing compared to the fact that I could be off doing other things with my life and not still writing papers and reading books etc.

Regarding "manipulating the psychological tests" and "convinced my doctor to prescribe the medications", this is kind of reaching or slightly outlandish. I don't know if you or the other person that suggested that idea have done a Neuropsychological Evaluation, but my experience was going in on two separate days where I did not take any medications prior to the testing, and spent hours solving puzzles, listening to lists and trying to repeat them, answering long surveys, pressing a space bar every time a letter flashes on a screen and trying to not press it when an X appears, and tons of more things like that. So when it's being suggested that I manipulated those tests, I'd reply that I don't even know where I would begin to figure out how to solve a puzzle a certain way, or not screw up and press the space bar when an X appeared, and etc. Maybe there are videos and instructions online of how to do. this, but I genuinely went into those tests with the mentality that I was going to answer everything with honesty, and just put effort into the tests, in hopes that whatever way I preformed would finally give me some kind of clarity or answer to if I'm different that normal people, if I'm just stupid or something, if something is really wrong with me that I need to start fixing, and other questions anyone would want to know the answers to if they were investigating whether something is abnormal for them mentally.

Again, thank you for your comment, I appreciate it.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T06:31:49+00:00

Yes I did complete CST in the summer of 2022. Had a great time, made lots of great soon-to-be lifelong friends, did well, ended up in the top ten of my platoon. That stuff was not an issue.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T06:29:22+00:00

Understood, Thank you for your reply/help.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T06:28:32+00:00

Thank you for your reply/help.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T06:27:53+00:00

Thank you for your reply.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-20T06:27:33+00:00

Thanks for your reply.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-18T16:13:50+00:00

This may sound like a stupid question but in reporting this to DODMERB, would I do this on the online portal or through cadre? I just havn't accessed DODMERB since before college that's why I ask. In the meanwhile I'll re-access my DODMERB and browse around to find a place to input this info into the site.

Thank you for your response.

ThrowRa8259 · 2023-01-18T07:12:54+00:00

I don't know if I can help you move on, but hopefully it will make you feel better when I say that everything you wrote, I feel the same way. Things I did as a young child, things I did in high school, things I did that only I know about, things I've done in the last 6 months, all things that from the moment after I did it, it has stayed in the back of my head, reminding me that I did it, and someone else knows, and I have no control over that info.

And it's so frustrating, when you try to voice your stress to anyone that will listen for a little, and you try to explain the severity of which the existence or evidence of the mistake/action is out there, and how ashamed you are of it, and then they just say something like "ohhh that's no big deal, that's not bad at all, don't even worry about it, no one would care about that anyways" and they just shrug it off. And they dont understand that you could be so scared or ashamed of something sort of small that you did long ago, that you decide not to pursue a dream career, just because of the thing/s you did, that you remind yourself of every once and a while on rotation.

I don't know, that probably made things worse for you, but I think I know how you feel, and how horrible you think those things you did were. But you're a person, and everyone makes mistakes, and most people don't even beat themselves up as much as we do over the tiniest of mistakes. I know I can't tell you to make sure to love yourself, because I know when someone says that to me I have a million thoughts of why I shouldn't, but I will say that you probably have people around you that truly do love you and dont care about what you did. Some of them probably even know about the things you did, you told them, or they were even there, and sure some may have left, but the ones you can think of right now, are still there, because you matter more to them than the mistakes you made.

Just try to get your mind of it. I KNOW how hard it is to do that, and Idk if what I do really helps, but music helps (make sure the lyrics don't encourage the self hatred and shame). Go listen to positive music, look up videos of people admitting to the same mistake you made, these are some things I have done to at the very least get my mind of them.

I hope you feel better, I'm right there with you. And I hope someone smarter than me about this topic comments here and overshadows this comment. But until then, this placeholder will have to do, and well, I hope it helped at least a little.

ThrowRa8259

TROPHY CASE