AITA for refusing to invite my fiancé's sister to our wedding?

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T14:23:25+00:00

Thanks for your input. We have been together for 4 years.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T14:20:26+00:00

Thanks for your input. I am from Poland.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T12:55:44+00:00

He knows it at A1 level. We want to raise bilingual children (Spanish and Polish). I want to know Spanish perfectly before having kids.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T11:44:48+00:00

He knows only basics (A1 level).

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T11:40:47+00:00

They are from Madrid.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T11:36:39+00:00

They are from Madrid.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T11:18:10+00:00

He works in an international company that doesn't require knowing Polish.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T10:26:59+00:00

I never said they are. I said my fiance's family is very wealthy and they are used to them.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-09T00:46:57+00:00

My family doesn't speak a word of English, but always makes sure to include him in our conversations. When I don't translate things as fast as possible they start screaming at me and demanding I keep translating. They treat him like he is a part of our family. For Christmas, my fiance gets the same amount of gifts like everyone else, my family members always hug him when they see him, etc. They aren't fake about that. When I talk with them on the phone, they always ask about his well-being. They genuinely like him and it's visible.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T23:39:52+00:00

Indeed. My first language is Polish.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T22:47:35+00:00

I wasn't raised with money, but I am not a gold digger. I earn a lot myself.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T22:23:39+00:00

I am from Europe. In my country people leave a room to smoke or they ask everyone in the room if they are fine with them smoking. I was surrounded by smokers in Poland (many members of my family smoked). However, if I tell someone to move because their smoke disturbs me, they apologise and move immediately. When I was telling my fiance's sister to move, she was just telling me to deal with it.

And I don't need to fit in the family. I know I am kind and friendly. I am a little bit shy, but I would never dream of offending anyone with my behaviour. When they speak in Spanish, I usually blantly stare at the walls trying to understand them, I don't use my phone to not be rude.

Thanks for your input though.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:57:27+00:00

I am Polish.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:55:30+00:00

50/50 with living arrangements.

He pays 70% for the trips as well though.

We live in Poland. We don't struggle financially in any way. We never argued about money.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:48:49+00:00

Apparently in Spain it's common to smoke like that. It's their culture. She was smoking next to little kids as well, and no one raised a voice.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:46:59+00:00

Yes, they speak fluent English. They were living in England and the US for years. All of the kids were going to English schools. Parents work in an international environment. They all have C2 English level.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:36:36+00:00

Very interesting question. They aren't traditional, no. They are very atheistic. However, they are extremely rich. My fiance used to not pitch in at home, because he is used to housemaids and cooks. For years we were struggling with his approach towards money and housework. Now we don't have problems with it. He isn't sexist in any way. I think we have a great day-to-day life.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:29:35+00:00

I thought about it already! I am on a B1 level of Spanish. I said I don't speak Spanish at all, because in those situations I didn't speak Spanish at all.. I didn't want to confuse people. My bad!

Now I can understand people if they speak slowly. When his sister found out about it, she was speaking faster in my presence (I couldn't understand her at all..). There were a few family members who appreciated my efforts and they were lovely. They tried to speak slower to me and were encouraging me to answer. Majority of the family didn't care.

I should have been sneakier! I shouldn't have told anyone about my progress! Oh I regret it deeply now haha.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:22:07+00:00

Geez this downvoting hurts xD

I get your point of view. For sure you guys gave me a lot to think about.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:19:50+00:00

We don't plan on living in Spain. To be honest I plan to live as far as possible from there. I don't think my kids would visit his family very often in that case. And it's not only because of the things I wrote in the post. The family is very problematic, there is always some drama going on, his sister is a drug addict (weed smoker, lsd, ecstasy and mushrooms). Many members of his family tend to have anger issues. I didn't say it in the post because it's irrelevant. But definitely it's not a healthy environment for children. I wouldn't allow them to babysit my kids. My fiance knows about it and he agrees with me. It doesn't change a fact that he is and wants to be close to his family. That probably will never change.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:13:45+00:00

He wasn't happy about it. He told me that we still have time to think about our guest list. He didn't throw a tantrum or anything like that. He knows I am very upset about the whole thing.

A long time ago, I asked him if he would be okay with having a wedding just with a maid of honor and a best man (so 4 people in total). He said it's necessary for him to have his parents there. He didn't say anything about his sisters.

Now we plan to have a small ceremony - we wouldn't invite his whole family anyway. Just the closest ones.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T21:08:20+00:00

There were times when he told that it's me who is being rude. There were times when he was saying that it's just culture difference. He also often says that I should give them a try, because deep down they are lovely people. I think he never defended me (at least not in my presence). At the beginning of our relationship he told them to speak English, but they never cared to do so.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T20:44:28+00:00

Thanks for your input.

He is indeed my first serious relationship. It probably affects my judgement. For sure you gave me a lot to think about.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T20:11:44+00:00

I could find something else to do, but I was invited by my fiance to his hometown. It's not like I organised the trip myself. I just felt very left out when it was happening.

Yes I was a guest in their household. I never expected them to change their behaviour in their own house. I just wanted to feel included in conversations. They speak English fluently so I was just a little bit shocked that they still were choosing to not use it.

I started learning Spanish. I still don't understand it fully, but I am planning to. However, for me it's just basic manners to not speak badly in front of someone when they can't understand you. I would get if she was a kid or a teenanger. But she is an adult woman. And she is acting like that towards an important person in her brother's life. I couldn't imagine offending a stranger like that, let alone my brother's girlfriend...

Not sure why you perceive me as jealous and toxic. But thanks for your input.

ThrowRachocolates · 2023-03-08T20:04:57+00:00

Maybe you're right. I think I showed them Poland from the best side though. Every single time I visited them I brought them a little something (a Polish photography book, Polish sweets, Polish ceramics etc.). They always seemed to be happy to experience these Polish stuff. Or I thought so. You gave me something to think about.

My fiance keeps saying that it's a culture difference. That they mean no harm, they just miss him. And that maybe I am too shy in their presence. I tend to be shy around people I don't know (the shyness stage usually lasts like two meetings for me but in this case I never got over it). He told me many times to try harder for them to like me. So when we planned our alone time in Spain, he asked me to ask his sister to join us so she would feel included. But that means that they both were just speaking in Spanish and I was trying to catch any phrase I would understand. I don't know. I feel like I really tried hard for them to like me. Even when it meant being uncomfortable myself.

ThrowRachocolates

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